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To retract this offer to STBXH?

(56 Posts)
Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 21:19:22

Ex and I separated about 18 months ago, and I finally moved out with the children (11 and 7 now) a year ago into my own home. This was made possible thanks to my dad who gave me the money to buy my home outright with inheritance from my mum who died two years previously (lack of emotional support following my mums death is one of many reason I opted to leave ex).

Sadly my dad died in August, and my sister and I have sold his and mums house now. We are very lucky to have been left a sizeable inheritance., though obviously I would live in a shed to have my parents back.

I have already given ex a sum of £5k to clear his car finance and renew furniture in the room the children share at his (formerly our) home. There are other things that need doing, about 10k worth in total, and I had offered him the money to do these jobs.

Ex has recently started dating a new girlfriend. His previous GF was lovely, I liked her and she was kind to my kids and I was sad when they split. She even came to my dads funeral to support ex and I asked her to join us in the family pews as ex was a pallbearer. Just adding this for background to demonstrate that I don't have general issues with his new partners.

New GF however, is completely unstable. She hates me (we have never met) is jealous of the fact that ex and had a friendly co parenting relationship, by his own admission she throws tantrums whenever he mentions me. She had a hissy fit when I commented on a post in his Facebook wall and has now blocked me as seeing us interact is traumatic. She broke up with him over these jealousy issues, self harmed in his house then drove off under the influence of +++alcohol with him warning me to move my car in case she ram raided it on her way past my home. All this is now conveniently forgotten and he is well and truly under her spell. He has now informed me that I am controlling and manipulative, that I am trying to control him with the offer of money and SHE (GF) will not accept it.

For context, even when married we maintained separate finances, I paid for about £20k of improvements to his house already with an inheritance from my grandfather some years ago, my parents paid for a new bathroom a few years ago as a gift, as well as a new front door, improvements to the kitchen etc, so I have sunk a fair bit of money into the property, but I am happy to walk away and make no claim on it. Also, he does not pay any maintenance for the children, by mutual agreement.

I have now made an appointment with a solicitor - I'm sad about this as we had said we would sort things out without involving them - but I'm concerned by how she seems to dictating things to him and think I need some legal support to protect myself and the kids. I intend to file for divorce, and request a clean break order financially, as well as looking at a child arrangement order that outlines that the children reside with me.

He has now relented and said that he will speak to GF about accepting the money - at this stage am I U to tell him to fuck the fuck off? They've been together less than 3 months and she appears to be angling to move in and I'm not keen to fund housing improvements if she could subsequently try to make a claim on the property. I never had any intention of trying to control him with money, I was just trying to be kind and fair, but now I am pissed off.

WWYD?

StillStayingClassySanDiego Tue 25-Apr-17 21:25:32

I wouldn't give him any more money, You've been very generous already, she sounds hard work and I'd be concerned any money wouldn't go on the house renovations.

Squirmy65ghyg Tue 25-Apr-17 21:25:39

I think you're a bit silly to be giving him money. Two gfs in 18 months? Not exactly long term.

The solicitor seems like a very good idea.

witsender Tue 25-Apr-17 21:26:58

Ha! I certainly wouldn't be trying to twist his arm into accepting a kind offer like that. If it will benefit your children then fine, but it sounds like you are going pretty easy on him anyway so be really can't complain.

rollonthesummer Tue 25-Apr-17 21:29:23

Why would you not be getting maintenance for your kids from their father?

Why are you not asking for money from the house?

Why are you planning to give him money?

I wouldn't be happy with any of these things.

Broccolirevolution Tue 25-Apr-17 21:29:46

Don't give him any money and please do seek maintenance. Even if you put it aside the kids can use it as a deposit for a flat or.something when older.

WildBelle Tue 25-Apr-17 21:32:09

I don't really understand why you are hurling so much money at him? Is he the main carer of the kids or something?

Sleepdeprivedredhead Tue 25-Apr-17 21:33:15

Carry on. Make a complete and final financial break. Do get advice from solicitors on how to ensure security of your inheritance for your children.
Put money aside for your children. Continue to communicate with him as normal in every other way.

C0untDucku1a Tue 25-Apr-17 21:36:13

Solicitor. Why are you walking away with nothing and no child aupport?

Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 21:38:08

No, he isn't the main carer. I have them about 80% of the time. Contact is also organised around his shifts so he basically informs me when contact is happen ending and I just have to roll with it, which is aggravating, but I try to facilitate contact as much as possible as the children love their dad.

I agreed to no maintenance as he isn't on the most fantastic wage and it would make things very tight for him, as he is still paying a mortgage, albeit small in the scheme of things. I would rather he has a bit of spare cash to take the kids to the cinema or on days out or whatever than have the £32 a week the CMA says he'd have to pay me. Obviously I am fortunate not to have to stress about money despite currently being a student, and when I graduate I can command a starting wage that is far in excess of his. The children have also been well provided for from dads estate and I also save for them, they will have a decent lump sum when they are 18 and I figured memories and quality time with their dad was more important.

I'm not claiming on his house, because he can't afford to buy me out/increase his mortgage and I don't want him to sell it or struggle to keep it, it is my children's other home.

ilovegin112 Tue 25-Apr-17 21:40:02

Just wondering could stbxh claim half your inheritance money? I would definitely go and see an soliciter

sadmommyhere Tue 25-Apr-17 21:41:24

I can't believe you are giving him so much money, and that you are not seeking to claim money owed to you and your children...
If it was me I would be on to the cms tomorrow!
You need to think about this divorce, it sounds like you are owed money from his property but as you have a sizeable amount of savings and a house of your own I think that maybe it will be suggested to him to try to claim some...
Does he earn more than you?

Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 21:43:11

gin, I have done some research and I don't think he'd have a hope in hell to be honest, although we were married though separated when I inherited, the fact that I am the main carer and he is adequately house suggests the courts would set it aside in consideration of joint marital assets. This is however why I want a clean break order agreed - I don't want to claim on his house, I don't want him claiming on mine or my inheritance. The offer of money was because I felt guilty to be honest - had I not left him he could expect to be mortgage free and considerably better off than he is at the moment.

Though if he'd been nicer to me I wouldn't have left him so I don't sob over my cornflakes about it or anything.

MGFM Tue 25-Apr-17 21:44:01

um, am I the only one that read that she has just bought a house outright and has also received a considerable inheritance. I assume thats why the OP is happy to walk away from the family home. I am not expert in this area but understand that unless you are in Scotland your inheritance could be considered a marital asset and if he went t court you might have to give him a hell of a lot more than 10k. I would encourage him to take the 10k but I would also make sure it is signed off by a judge in course who may actually think that he is getting shafted. But considering you have had separate finances throughoyt the whole marriage might work in your favour.

Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 21:44:27

No, he doesn't earn very much. When I graduate I can expect to start in a wage that is nearly double what he currently earns. I really don't need his money or want to take it from him. I just want him to maintain a stable home for sour children when they are with him.

MGFM Tue 25-Apr-17 21:44:40

judge in court

sadmommyhere Tue 25-Apr-17 21:47:51

I would expect this to go to court to be honest, I would get legal advice asap.
I think things will turn verrrrry sour, due to his gf

MGFM Tue 25-Apr-17 21:51:32

It could look like your dad waited till you separated to give you that lump sum. is there a reason he didnt give it to you when you were with your husband to clear your mortgage? Just thinking how it might look.

lizzyj4 Tue 25-Apr-17 21:51:56

Don't give him any more money and get everything legally formalised as soon as you can so he can't come after you for anything else further down the line. It sounds as if whatever you do in this situation is going to be interpreted in the most negative way possible by GF.

PolynesianGirl Tue 25-Apr-17 21:52:10

No please do not give him any money.
Even though you are not divorced, you are separated and therefore otnis up to him to now stand up on his own two feet.
The arrangement is very much in his favour atm.

And YY to carrying on with the sollicitor, at the very least to protect your own assets (aka your inheritance).
They will be able to tell you what is considered fair in the eyes of the law. You will also be able to set things in stone and avoid the danger of the new gf manipulating things to her advantage.

KC225 Tue 25-Apr-17 21:54:17

I would hold off the offer of the money. I cannot see this relationship lasting and if offering now is so problematic then don't. Wait till he is on his own or back with the first one. If the current is that unstable she is likely to smash or sabotage any improvement in another of her jealousy fits.

Is she around when your children are there?

I think your attitude to your finances regards your DH is quite refreshing. It's great that you are able to put your children re: updating their former home and making sure he has money to treat them. I hope it weather's the current amour.

Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 22:00:12

KC they have not met her yet. After the drink driving incident he told me he was being wary and wanted me to meet her first etc, he's now done a 180 and told me he can do what the fuck he likes etc... It is something else I will be discussing with the solicitor. I don't think there much I can do to stop him tbh but it's a conversation I'd like to have. I have always deliberately not micromanaged his parenting despite some decisions he makes not sitting well with me, but I don't think she is a positive influence for them.

topology444 Tue 25-Apr-17 22:05:13

What and where do you study that you are so confident to earn a good salary after graduation? I would be very careful with giving away money or agreeing to no cm before you have an agreed divorce settlement and a well paid job. It is not so easy to get a job after graduation and with Brexit times are even more uncertain.

Welshmaenad Tue 25-Apr-17 22:07:02

Top I am doing a social work degree. I graduate in June and have already secured employment via an agency. My institution has a100% employment rate, 6 months post grad, for my course.

Crapuccino Tue 25-Apr-17 22:10:58

Sorry but I wouldn't be giving him money. If he needed things for the comfort of the children whilst they were with him and my finances were very adequate to take care of those matters, then I would buy those items and have them delivered, but absolutely no chance I would hand over large sums of money. The inevitable outcome is that he will spend it in ways you don't like and that will cause friction. It may also set up an expectation that you should continue to do this. I see very little good coming from this, and plenty of bad that could be stirred up by it.

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