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Aibu to want my oh to try harder with jobs ?

(18 Posts)
Baybay16 Tue 25-Apr-17 19:14:17

Hiding in the bath because I feel like im going to lose it and I really dont want a fight tonight.
Things are really tough right now financially, we are really struggling.
I work full time 40 hrs and he works 20-25 hours at two different jobs, one is a contract of 12 hrs the other is a contract of 8 hours.
We used to put a set amount into our joint account every month to cover rent and bills and that worked good but lately we are living from pay slip to payslip struggling to get by. I will give him his due he doesn't spend anything for himself and his money if we need it goes towards essentials no questions asked.
He got the second 8hr job as the 12 hr job stopped giving him extra hours ( he used to get pretty much full time hours from.them ) this second job promised more hours than the contract so it was going to work out at around full time hours with both jobs.
6 months later still no extra shifts from job ( this was now september time, ) they have since took on 4 new people but are refusing to give any thing other than contract hours.
It dawned on us that he wasn't going to get extra shifts so he told me he would start looking for a new job something with more hours.
He still hasn't found another job and he doesn't seem motivated to, I have asked him and asked him I send him screen shots of jobs all the time, he tells me he applies for loads but now I am not sure if he does.
He got paid at midnight last night and by time we have phoned today and caught up on bills his pay is pretty much gone. I get paid Friday but since he has no money now.I will be paying all of the rent and monthly direct debits.
We have budgeted and are very strict with our money we don't have cars and we walk everywhere. Tonight we were in aldi getting some food shopping and the card was declined. I started getting upset and cried a little bit whilst walking home it just feels like there's no end to it and he just keeps saying itll be fine it's okay.
A few months ago I had a nice little savings pot of 1.5k and even that has gone from catching up on bills and me paying more than he is.
I am sick of nagging him to get another job so I finally said I think I am going to get another job, a bar job, I thought this might kick him up the arse and make.him think hold on I really need to do this bit nope, he said 'if you think then'. I've applied at a job the shifts are 10pm-4am so I'll be working 9am-6pm and then 10pm-4am to be honest I don't care because I am so sick of this stress.
I fell down the stairs at Christmas and have had a very bad ankle injury, I had to go back to work full time way too early because we couldn't afford it and it is having a lot of an effect on my health, I thought me taking another job would be out of the question but he doesn't really care.
I just said I am going in the bath and I said oh I've sent you some jobs you.could apply for them whilst I'm in the bath and he said "erm maybe later ill"

Just dont know what to do , if he could just get full time hours It would help us out a lot but he just doesn't seem to want to sad

Goondoit Tue 25-Apr-17 19:18:36

It doesn't have to be like this. You don't feel like you are in a partnership
What does he bring to the table!
Are you married? Kids? Own your home or rent?
If I was in your position I'd be having a very serious sit down chat and saying I don't work my arse off to still scrape by and I need you to help me more!
Can't believe you offered to have a second job FUCK THAT if anything he should be looking for bar work!!!
What's his reason that he isn't wanting to get full time work? Is it health related?

Trifleorbust Tue 25-Apr-17 19:19:00


I think he is being really, really selfish. For me it would be ultimatum time. As a single parent you would probably be entitled to some support, which might mean you could work normal hours. He needs to pull his bloody finger out. I am really angry for you!

Baybay16 Tue 25-Apr-17 19:24:51

He doesn't have a reason for not wanting to go full time. We not married , rent , dont have kids ( joined the site when I was an au pair a few years back )
I have said we moved in together 2 years ago from our parents house. It's not an option for me or him to move back in with them

Goondoit Tue 25-Apr-17 19:26:43

Well then if he's not going go pull his finger out its time to become housemates and he needs to pay 50% until you find somewhere else but you really need to tell him the current time situation is NOT ON

Trifleorbust Tue 25-Apr-17 19:34:35

Oh sorry, I didn't realise there were no kids involved. I would separate sharpish.

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 25-Apr-17 19:35:06

I have said we moved in together 2 years ago from our parents house. It's not an option for me or him to move back in with them

So move in with friends, or find a flat share.

Otherwise, what? You're just going to stay living with someone you don't even seem to like, let alone love?

This sounds miserable. You would be so much better off cutting your losses, and moving on.

You know nothing is going to change, so.....

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 25-Apr-17 19:39:02

In fact, the solution is so obvious to this one (not married, renting, no kids), that I almost wonder what sort of advice you want people to give.

Everyone will agree with you that this sounds really bad, and that yes, he's a waste of space.

There is no advice we can give him, only you.

Otherwise, was this just a bit of a vent to let off steam?

In which case - sorry he's being so annoying, yes, it sounds really bad: brewcake

mumonashoestring Tue 25-Apr-17 19:40:46

he just keeps saying itll be fine it's okay

Of course he does, he's got you to carry him. Whatever he does you're pushing yourself harder, denying yourself any hope of having disposable income or savings, because you're effectively bailing him out every month.

Find a flatshare with a functioning adult. Let him do the same. Time for him to do some growing up. Once he's wrapped his head around the idea that he needs to pay his way and take responsibility then he might be worth considering as a partner. At the moment though, you're parenting, effectively.

Baybay16 Tue 25-Apr-17 19:42:50

I have considered a flat share, I am not from here and don't have many friends.
I do really like him and love him, he has stepped up financially before which is why I don't understand why he isn't doing it this time. After a few months of moving in together I needed an operation and was off work for 6 months, he picked up extra hours (back when they allowed it ) and he worked sometimes 50 hours to pay for everything to help us i dont understand why he isn't trying this time around.
He contributes in every other way the flat is ways sparkling clean from him, he walks me to work and he supports me in every other way just not financially this time round. We have had fights about it and he says he is trying and I have seen him apply for jobs but I am just frustrated with him

MoreThanUs Tue 25-Apr-17 19:49:26

I was going to say leave, but after your last post I'd maybe have a call and reasoned conversation with him sometime and say what you're willing to put up with and for how long. If he wasn't meeting his share of costs in 3 months I'd leave. This is no way to live.

AgentOprah Tue 25-Apr-17 19:52:37

Live separately, be financially independent. You can still be in a relationship with him.

LadyLance Tue 25-Apr-17 19:52:48

It's often possible to find a room to rent individually within a shared house/flat. It's not always ideal, as you don't know your housemates, but if you have a lock on your door, it won't usually be too bad, and it might even be a good thing- you could make new friends. Maybe investigate this option and see if you would be better off?

Do you feel like you want to stay with him because you will be lonely otherwise? Maybe if you move out, you will have the time/energy to take up a hobby and meet people that way?

Then again, maybe he is trying, but not being effective- could he get some advice on his job search, e.g. how to improve his CV? Or there may be other things that are causing him to struggle to find more work. Is there something he could do from home/freelance in his spare time to bring in a bit of income?

Crispbutty Tue 25-Apr-17 19:57:00

You can't work those hours! It's crazy.

No kids, not married... bugger supporting him like this if he's happy for you to work 20 hours a day. He should be getting a bloody bar job!!!

Baybay16 Tue 25-Apr-17 20:05:55

Just got out of the bath and he has been sat on laptop applying for jobs and has an interview at Friday at 3pm! Relieved isn't the word

missymayhemsmum Tue 25-Apr-17 20:56:59

That's great news!
You know, half the country is like this. people are scraping by from payday to payday, in insecure and overpriced rented places, with jobs that are short hours, badly paid, patching together work to try and make ends meet, and being slapped back and screwed over. there's only so much getting up again that anyone can do, and it sounded like your fella had hit his limit. Hope things improve for you both

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Tue 25-Apr-17 21:10:13

Great update! I'm glad he's pulled his finger out, good luck to him for Friday!

ActuallyThatsSUPREMECommander Tue 25-Apr-17 21:15:42

Good luck OP. MN can be a bit black and white about people but actually Sometimes people can be crap in just one area of their life for a while - I really hope you can get it together.

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