to monitor my child's messages

[Takamine]

without him knowing?

He's 12 and has an iPhone. I've installed software which allows me to monitor incoming and outgoing messages.

He is aware that I peridocally check his phone so he deletes everything.

Things have been a bit up and down with him at the moment which is why I'm keeping an eye on it but I'm having a moral wobble....

So... AIBU?

[Trifleorbust]

Honestly? I wouldn't let him have the phone.

[Angelicinnocent]

At 12, you wbu if you did not monitor his internet access.

[Rach6l]

No I don't think so, I got my 12yo a phone on the proviso I check it. That's the deal. What if you find something though?

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

Assuming you pay for the phone technically that's makes it yours regardless. .
As the parent you should be looking out for him anyway - whatever measures are needed to do so. .

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

YANBU, at all. I monitor all devices in our house (except DP obviously since he's an adult). To allow a child unfettered, unmonitored (is that a word?) access to the internet and social media is as dangerous as allowing them to play on a train line imo. More parents should monitor their kids activities online!

[Takamine]

No access to internet at all - I've removed Safari.

He catches the bus to school so it's to check in / let me know if he's running late etc, so I would feel uncomfortable with him not having it.

[HeyRoly]

Tricky one.

So he knows you can pick up his phone and check messages, but deletes them before you get the chance to see them, hence the spying software.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why you want to monitor everything, but he's going to be mortified if he ever finds out.

[Takamine]

I'm monitoring messages between him and his friends that he clearly doesn't want me to see.

What if you find something though? Depends on what - I might just monitor the situation, or I might step in if it was something serious (bullying for example)

[SaorAlbaGuBrath]

Bullying can happen even without internet access so I still think you're right OP

[Takamine]

HeyRoly He absolutely would be mortified. I think that's why I'm having a wobble.

[AndNowItIsSeven]

What is the software?

[Takamine]

I'm feeling relieved not to be immediately flamed, it can't be as bad as I thought!

[Takamine]

AndNowItIsSeven Google iPhone spyware , there's a few

[Nquartz]

DD is only 5 so not something for me to worry about yet but I would definitely monitor her phone.

[Takamine]

What age is it an invasion of privacy though?

[ohforfoxsake]

You need to trust them at some point.

At 12 I pick up and look at their messages and browsing history. With restrictions on DD can't delete her history without the passcode.

My 14 and 15 year olds, no. Occasionally I pry into their Instagram threads if there's a sleepover or I feel one of them is being cagey, but on the whole no.

I hope that by 13/14 I've drummed into them the rules of messaging and posting. Now I need to leave them to it.

At 12, I think you should still be checking - but openly and randomly.

[Takamine]

deckoff I know... and it does worry me. However, his recent behavior has been worrying and he is very secretive, he's not open with me at all and any efforts I make to improve this don't seem to help (perhaps another thread). This was the only way I could see to find out what's going on with him. I have told him that I will check his phone, and often I ask for it out of the blue.

[DontPullThatTubeOut]

Tbh I can understand checking their internet, although I don't think I would but I'm not at that stage yet. Checking the messages sits uneasy with me, I don't know why but it's almost like spying on a conversation with his mates which no one would do I don't think. If he needs a phone for contact but you don't trust him, try blocking any number except yours? Or leave him without credit and to use the reverse number to call you. If he's not allowed internet anyway just get him a cheap phone that only allows calls and texts and see if you can block all but your number.

[blankmind]

He's a child, you are the parent, do your job and supervise him.

Why give him such a sophisticated phone if all he needs it for is "He catches the bus to school so it's to check in / let me know if he's running late etc, "
You may have removed Safari but can't he get online in several different ways when he's out of the house?

[DontPullThatTubeOut]

Maybe he just doesn't trust you and that's why he is so secretive, I mean you're being secretive too.

[Takamine]

We share Apple Music and I have a lot of audiobooks already purchased so it made sense for him to have my old phone.

I only planned on monitoring whilst things don't seem right with him to make sure nothing is going on that I should be aware of. He's been playing up at school and both me and his teachers have drawn a blank about what could be causing it. After keeping an eye on his messages it would seem the issue is a girl

I wish he would just talk to me but he clams up everytime I try