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To be so despondent at how unlikely my daughter's attacker will even get to court *Trigger warning*

(41 Posts)
Beyondworried Tue 25-Apr-17 17:27:56

The more I find out the more unlikely it seems the shit who raped her will not even be charged.
Am trying to reman upbeat for her.
The statistics are truly shocking. Am wondering why it is even illegal if it so fucking hard to even get someone charged.
Sorry..... am having my own pity party.
My wonderful, funny, kind DD is starting out in her adult life having to deal with this.
Maybe I should exact my own retribution..... it would be worth the jail time

defybelief Tue 25-Apr-17 17:34:02

I was raped aged 16 and although the man was charged, it didn't go to court due to lack of evidence. It's extremely rare to get a rape conviction, many rapes aren't even reported in the first place and the likelihood of any action being taken is reduced at each stage.

I wouldn't say that it's affected my adult life massively - I am happily married now, and I've always had a healthy sex life and body image. I refuse to let it define me.

I know the man who raped me was eventually imprisoned (and is currently in prison) for another attack, which I feel pleased about, as the whole 'lack of evidence' thing left me feeling as if people didn't believe me - so I feel vindicated now. It is a shame that another young girl had to suffer before he was finally put away though.

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 25-Apr-17 17:38:58

I was raped. I didn't report it or tell anyone til much, much later. It's glib to say because it won't help, but it is possible to overcome. It's possible to move on. It's possible to still live a happy, healthy life despite the utter horror of what happened. My children are happy and gorgeous, I have a job I love, a DH I love, a home I adore. I'm the cliche of 2.4 children and nobody would outwardly guess for a minute that I was ever a victim of rape. But I like that; it means it's not defined me, it's not become who I am.

Your DD will survive this. She will get through it. She will get past it. Hold your pity party; you are absolutely entitled to. Your DD has been through something no human on earth should go through. But don't think that this has to define her. It doesn't, and with your support and kindness and love she can come through the other side. You are incredible.

Coldilox Tue 25-Apr-17 17:49:28

It is so so hard to get rape convictions. Utterly shitty system (I am a rape detective so I know it well). It does happen though. All I will say is don't pin everything on getting a charge/conviction. The police will be doing everything they can but sometimes it's not enough. It's important that your daughter is able to recover from this even if she doesn't get her justice l.

Beyondworried Tue 25-Apr-17 17:52:36

Thank you for your kind words. As more details emerge the level of my anger and upset goes up a notch. He is an arrogant an dvild specimen. Spent a long time yesterday staring at his picture. Don't know why. While I understand we live in a country where one is innocent until proven guilty I find it incredible SHE has to prove this shit brutally raped her rather than he needs to prove he didn't. I can imagine his lawyer will be telling him reassuringly it is unlikely to get to court and even if it does will do everything to undermine my DD and get this wank stain off. Sorry..... seems my thoughts are just spilling out. Police aren't being much fucking good either at the moment.

canihaveanewname Tue 25-Apr-17 17:53:11

I'm so sorry you are both going through this. My best friend was raped, he was found not guilty. Her mum went on holiday during the trail. THAT is the thing that's always been hardest for her. I know this is a horrific but a wonderful loving supportive mum (like you) makes a world of difference.

He's an evil shit and I'm sorry this has happened

canihaveanewname Tue 25-Apr-17 17:54:01

Spill your thoughts here .. it's ok, we're here for you

gluteustothemaximus Tue 25-Apr-17 17:56:41

I never reported any rapes.

One friend was raped, and never reported.

Another friend was raped and almost killed, got a conviction (and had her sexual history dragged up in court). He's probably out now.

It is awful. It is wrong. But please help your daughter to be strong. She will get through this. Horrible thing to accept so young x

flowers for you both x

Batgirlspants Tue 25-Apr-17 17:59:25

So sorry op flowers for your dd and you.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Tue 25-Apr-17 18:01:51

OP flowers

I know this will be no consolation but I was raped at 15 and haven't told my family to this day (over 30 years ago) - your DD is so very brave and I hope she can access the support she needs, regardless of what happens to the scummy cunt that attacked her flowers

PollytheDolly Tue 25-Apr-17 18:02:45

My friend was raped whilst working in South America on a uni placement . Zero chance of a conviction there and was treated like shit by authorities and medics alike. She came home traumatised and was telling me the details, she had no support there, I almost vomited.

OP there is a chance this cunt will get justice. Focus on that for now.

Huge hugs and focus that (absolutely justified) anger.

isupposeitsverynice Tue 25-Apr-17 18:03:43

I agree your support is going to mean so much to your daughter. you can get support for you from mosac, my mum saw them for a year and found them really helpful. Good luck to both of you.

LuxCoDespondent Tue 25-Apr-17 18:04:35

It's a horrible situation but please don't "exact your own retribution". You won't help your daughter much by taking yourself away from her for the next five or so years.

Criminal law requires the accuser to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the accused is guilty. Leave it to your solicitors and the police to find the evidence. CCTV, forensic, witness statements. Don't succumb to a rush of blood and take your own revenge.

SpiritedLondon Tue 25-Apr-17 18:12:01

There are a number of reasons that convictions for rape are so hard to achieve. Firstly, the CPS are judged on the number of convictions which means they will only charge suspects where there is a realistic prospect of conviction. Secondly the crime is often committed behind closed doors with no witnesses and where forensic evidence is less useful. Thirdly society has very fixed views on what they consider to be rape. As sick as it sounds people want the victim to be violently attacked by a stranger, to be have shouted no very loudly, to have sustained visible injuries. They tend to struggle more with cases where the 2 parties knew / know each other or were in a relationship, where the victim was drunk or otherwise has behaved in a way deemed " irresponsible" ( e.g. Getting into an unlicensed mini cab ) Juries are much more likely to acquit the suspect in these circumstances. I'm afraid that these are common beliefs and are often displayed on this forum ( most recently in relation to the judge who made comments on her retirement). It even has a is referred to " rape myth acceptance" These factors make securing a conviction so much more difficult.

LakieLady Tue 25-Apr-17 18:13:52

It is bloody awful that it is so hard to get successful prosecutions for rape.

When the man who raped my friend was finally convicted, the police told her it was the 3rd time he'd been on trial. He'd been acquitted of rape and attempted rape before he raped my friend.

He got 7 years, and was probably out in 3.5. She's never been the same since, and it happened in 1983.

Be strong for you daughter, OP. The police should be able to give her details of agencies in your area who can help her recover.

Still hope the fucker gets put away though.

PumpkinPie2016 Tue 25-Apr-17 18:14:46

I have no useful advice but flowers for you and your DD xx

Beyondworried Tue 25-Apr-17 18:18:48

I need to be careful that this doesn't consume me.
The police haven't even been in touch since last Wednesday. Not sure of this is normal. I am worried they are not going to take this seriously given the issues with getting a conviction.
Spirited my thoughts exactly.

SpiritedLondon Tue 25-Apr-17 18:19:14

Lakielady nowadays the police would have an opportunity to introduce details of previous rape charges into's referred to as bad character evidence. Back in 1983 it wouldn't have been allowed. Nowadays any previous charges or convictions or even accusations for any other sexual offences can be disclosed as part of the trial in lots of circumstances.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 25-Apr-17 18:23:54

flowers. I can't believe your beautiful courageous daughter may not get justice. Its small wonder so many rapes go unreported.
I personally wouldn't blame you for taking the law into your own hands.
I'll freely admit I would. If the justice system failed my dd. I have no problem whatsoever in saying that.

WowserBowser Tue 25-Apr-17 18:25:05

My rapist got 10 years. Served 5 then was released and has since been sent back. No idea what he has done.

It is possible to get a conviction. Although the whole process is fucking traumatic.

Sending love and strength to you both

DeleteOrDecay Tue 25-Apr-17 18:27:32

I'm so sorry you and your dd are going through this, I can't imagine what you both must be feeling right now. It makes my blood boil that rapists can rape and 9 times out of 10 they get let off and then the victim gets accused of making a false accusation by people who don't understand how the system works. The system is messed up. I wish something would change.

Good luck with everything, what ever happens make sure your dd knows you are there to support her no matter

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 25-Apr-17 18:27:38

3.5 years for a crime that's on a parr with murder. 3.5 years. People can get their benefits sanctioned for fucking longer than that. angry.

youarenotkiddingme Tue 25-Apr-17 18:28:08

Spill here. Far better for you to have an outlet and then you can concentrate on your DD inRL.

It is shit. That's why many woman don't report it. Your DD has done an extremely brave thing.

Victim support are usually brilliant if you haven't contacted them already.

SpiritedLondon Tue 25-Apr-17 18:28:52

Beyondworried I don't know what region you're in but I know that in London the teams are overwhelmed with cases.....I know you don't want to hear that. You daughter should have been allocated a SOIT / SOLO who should be keeping her updated. The timescales you're talking about are long if she needed a forensic examination and that hasn't been done but I'm afraid the process generally is quite drawn out. If your daughter reported the assault some time after it happened then the main task will be to take a statement about what happened....this is very detailed and time consuming even though it is often done as a video interview. If you would like to seek some advice outside the police I would strongly recommend an ISVA who can provide practical advice and act as a go between if necessary. The police should have referred you to a local service but Rape Crisis is a good starting point.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 25-Apr-17 18:30:03

Can I.
Your poor friend. She has an apology for a mother.

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