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Morning responsibilities!

(49 Posts)
buckyou Tue 25-Apr-17 08:46:47

I'm really fucking cross but not sure if it's because I'm knackered!

We have a newborn (9 weeks) and a nearly 2 year old. A couple of dogs and horses. I'm on mat leave, husband works FT, not stressful but long commute.

Baby's got a bit of a cold and wouldn't settle unless he was laid on me all night. So it's not been a great one. My husband normally takes the dogs down the field and drops 2yo off at nursery which is a big help to me. This morning he didn't get his arse out of bed in time so couldn't do any of this.

Do you think I've got unreasonable expectations? I've managed to do everything now but tbh the baby had just settled and it would have been nice to get a bit of extra kip! Husband had a full nights sleep as far as I know.

Should I be doing morning kids / dogs while I'm on mat leave or should husband help? He doesn't argue and say he shouldn't help but we seem to have these occasions where he doesn't get out of bed quite regular!

MycatsaPirate Tue 25-Apr-17 08:52:14

Well yes it would be helpful if he hadn't slept in and done his usual stuff but you are at home and have the whole day to get stuff done so I think you are both a bit unreasonable.

MrsCharlieD Tue 25-Apr-17 08:52:29

If he is not getting up in the night then imo he should be doing those chores. I'm currently pregnant with dc2 and in a morning I make the beds, get ds washed and dresses, do breakfast, shower and do make up etc and usually pegler some washing out or get a load on. Dh gets up and goes to work. I silently huff under me breath.

FlapAttack78 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:54:35

What are his working hours? When does he leave and get home? Are you doing all the night wake ups?

While baby is so little him nipping out with the dogs and doing drop off is probably a good idea but if he was knackered with this set up I would suggest having at least one or two mornings where you did it.. take baby in pram with dogs maybe if baby up anyway?

Or could he stay home with baby and toddler while you walk dogs? (Walking dogs sounds easier haha)

I don't know. I have number 2 on way and so have yet to navigate these issues and am also a bit worried about how it will work

RB68 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:01:17

yeah drop off makes sense he is on way to work so stupid to make you go out as well, dogs difficult with newborn in tow so he should be doing till LO around 4 to 6 mths and dependent on how you are. If he wants you to do dogs then he does baby and toddler getting ready - easy exchange and bet he opts for dogs. You being home is not an easy out option for him. But if say two days you do dogs and rest him that might help him with a bit more relaxed start to to the day etc. Dogs will need to go out more than once so no doubt you are in charge of them rest of the day.

buckyou Tue 25-Apr-17 09:07:26

I do all night time feeds / waking. Husband goes about 7.30 and I'm normally back before 6.

The dogs need taking out again at lunch time where I take them with babies, but I just like for them to go out early so they are not bugging me while I'm trying to get kids sorted for out. I suppose they are both jobs I can do but it just seems to lot easier for DH to do them, to give me a hand.

I've just spoken to him, we've decided to move the 2yo to afternoons instead of mornings to avoid the morning rush / grumps on a Tuesday and Thursdays!

Roomster101 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:15:51

If you are doing all the night feeds, then you are sleep deprived, particularly as baby is a bit unwell. Your DH, however, will be well rested, so to me it's a no brainer i.e. of course he should be taking the dogs and dropping off the toddler at nursery. Those who say otherwise either have never had the experience of being on maternity leave with a newborn or they are the type that feel that because they got no help, nobody else should either.

UppityHumpty Tue 25-Apr-17 09:22:04

I think you should start as you mean to go on after maternity really. Give him more responsibility if you're going to return to work.

My day starts at 4am and ends at 12-1am but my DH is just as busy with household work. But that's because we both work full time - if one of us was at home, then that person would handle more household stuff as they'd be home longer.

FlapAttack78 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:26:29

I think he should be helping at nights.. broken sleep all week for you must be really tough. He should at least be getting up on 2 nights of the week at least even if it's not for every night wake up.

Theb maybe the morning after those nights you can walk dogs and he stay home with the easy task of looking after baby and toddler haha while you walk dogs after a good night sleep! He will soon see you don't have it easy and pull his weight a bit more if he isn't already!

DeadGood Tue 25-Apr-17 09:27:05

"Today 09:15 Roomster101

...Those who say otherwise either have never had the experience of being on maternity leave with a newborn or they are the type that feel that because they got no help, nobody else should either."

Brilliantly put

FlapAttack78 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:39:46

I did disclose that I only I have one above haha and I only meant that if he stayed at home with baby and toddler.. or even toddler alone while you dog walked he woukd soon realise dog walking may not actually be the easier of the two options! Means if he is still skeeping you could just wake him up and go right I am off to walk the dogs.. here is baby and toddler bye!!

FlapAttack78 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:41:00

I meant he may realise that dog walking * IS* the easier of the 2 options

fourteenlittleducks Tue 25-Apr-17 09:41:31

I think it's U to expect him to do it every day. You can nap with baby later, while he has to be on the ball at work. He has to leave at 7:30... that's early to be walking dogs and doing nursery drop-off.

I do all night wakings and early starts (SAHM to toddler) so DH can focus on getting ready for work in morning. Although we don't have animals!

Can you hire someone to take over the care of dogs and horses?
Failing that, agree whose turn it is the night before.

ilovechoc1987 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:49:29

If I was home all day I'd be expected to do all that. When you go back to work it should be shared.
I understand you're sleep deprived, and that he's broken his end of the deal, but I'd just let this one time slide and remind him of the promise he's made to do those things.

I think you're very lucky to have this agreement in place, and I don't think you should be expected to walk the dogs when you have the children, full stop, but if you have the ability to put your 2 year old into nursery then you're lucky, I had a 6 yo 2 yo and a newborn who was ill to care for with no help, as my partner starts work at 7am and doesn't finish till 6:30pm.

Let it slide just this one time.

Booshbeesh Tue 25-Apr-17 09:59:43

I think its unfair that ur child should have to change routine and any friendships hes made in nursery because ur husband cant be botherd to walk the dogs and take him. Its called being a parent.

buckyou Tue 25-Apr-17 10:57:30

She's only just started at this other nursery so she wouldn't miss any friends. However, it's really better for us all if she goes in a morning, they do a less early session from 8.30 so I'm going to switch her to that and I'll take her. Husband can take dogs out.

Hopefully no one will be pissed off then!

I don't buy this 'your at home so should do everything' argument though. Men should pull their weight too!

MycatsaPirate Tue 25-Apr-17 15:35:08

It's not a case of the woman doing everything, it's a case of whoever is at home should be picking up the house stuff. I have a few friends whose husbands are SAHD's and do all this stuff leaving them free to work full time, often getting them to drop them off at the station while juggling nursery run and dog walking.

I'm at home. DP works full time (this week leaving the house at 4.45am) and although I only have once child at home now, she's 11, has autism and mornings are a nightmare. On top of that I'm disabled and I have four cats shouting at me for food the minute I step downstairs. I have just got into a routine and alternate between yelling at the cats and shouting up to DD to get up!

It gets easier as the kids get older. Promise.

Roomster101 Wed 26-Apr-17 18:14:31

It's not a case of the woman doing everything, it's a case of whoever is at home should be picking up the house stuff.

They are both at home early in the morning though so it isn't a case of "whoever is at home should be picking up house stuff". It is a case of the woman should doing everything even though her DH has had a good night's sleep and OP has not.

I have a few friends whose husbands are SAHD's and do all this stuff leaving them free to work full time, often getting them to drop them off at the station while juggling nursery run and dog walking.

I'm sceptical that you know a few SAHDs who have been up all night with a newborn so that their wives are "free to work full time". Most women will be on maternity leave when their babies are only a few weeks old.

I'm at home. DP works full time (this week leaving the house at 4.45am) and although I only have once child at home now, she's 11, has autism and mornings are a nightmare. On top of that I'm disabled and I have four cats shouting at me for food the minute I step downstairs. I have just got into a routine and alternate between yelling at the cats and shouting up to DD to get up!

Your DP may not be much help and you may not mind but that doesn't mean OP should put up with it. It's not a race to the bottom.

ilovechoc1987 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:28:01

Roomster it's not just newborns who don't sleep through. Babies often don't sleep through till they're over a year old, so it's perfectly plausible to expect a sahd to be doing nightwakings, I know a lot of women who have gone back to work when their babies were a couple of weeks old, and both parents have been going to work AND waking in the night.

Roomster101 Wed 26-Apr-17 19:58:29

Roomster it's not just newborns who don't sleep through. Babies often don't sleep through till they're over a year old, so it's perfectly plausible to expect a sahd to be doing nightwakings,

I didn't say they didn't do any night awakening as obviously older babies and children sometimes wake up in the night. I think it unlikely that many are up all night with a newborn so that their wives are "free to work" though. At that age, a large proportion of women in the UK are on maternity leave and so they could share night awakenings.

I know a lot of women who have gone back to work when their babies were a couple of weeks old, and both parents have been going to work AND waking in the night.

I'm not sure where you live but if it's the UK I don't believe that you know a lot of women who have gone back to work when their babies are only two weeks old.

ilovechoc1987 Wed 26-Apr-17 20:27:59

Roomster goes to show how much you know!

My babies woke regularly throughout the night for 18 months at least.

I personally know 4 women who have gone back to work before their babies were 6 weeks old, and several more in my time as a childminder. I would often look after babies of only a few weeks old from 7am till as late as 7pm.

Roomster101 Wed 26-Apr-17 20:53:15

Roomster goes to show how much you know!

Show what I know about what?

My babies woke regularly throughout the night for 18 months at least.

So did mine but not as much as when they were newborns when night and day were basically the same thing.

I personally know 4 women who have gone back to work before their babies were 6 weeks old, and several more in my time as a childminder. I would often look after babies of only a few weeks old from 7am till as late as 7pm.

You said a couple of weeks which is two weeks. Do you know lots of women who went back to work when their baby was 2 weeks old? If you do then they are the exception rather than the norm.

expatinscotland Wed 26-Apr-17 21:06:55

'So it's not been a great one. My husband normally takes the dogs down the field and drops 2yo off at nursery which is a big help to me. '

Two times you refer to him 'helping' you. He's not, he's parenting his children and being an adult in an adult marriage. No, it's not too much to expect that he pull some weight in the mornings. You're on mat leave, not 1950s housewife leave. 'But you're home all day'. Yeah, with a newborn baby.

ilovechoc1987 Thu 27-Apr-17 02:21:39

Roomster but mine did wake regularly for the first 18 months? So what was the point in your answer, because at first you said,so did yours..then you retracted it?hmm

Besides Iv known newborn babies to sleep better then mine ever did. I was still being woken 4,5,6+ times in the night when they were 18 months. My 4 yo still wakes occasionally now,she can be awake all night due to her special needs, doesn't mean I get a break the next day or someone to help.
My partner has to be at work at 7am and can't leave the business till gone 6, so by the time he's home after his hour long drive, all the work at home is done.

I have known and do know women who have gone back as early as 2 weeks.
Like I said iv childminded for a while and regularly looked after newborns as young as 2 weeks old. It can't be that rare otherwise I wouldn't have cared for so many.
Maybe in your world, mums get a break and loads of maternity leave, dads work mon-fri 9-5 in an easy job on some computer somewhere, where they finish early On a Friday. Some people are self employed and have to work really hard, and don't have time to chip in at home everyday as well. Life is tough it's not that easy, feminist views aren't always logical.

saladsmoothie Thu 27-Apr-17 02:54:20

When I had a non-sleeping newborn I did the nights and dh did absolutely anything he could to make my life easier.

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