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AIBU?

Husband and MIL

34 replies

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 08:36

A month ago I suffered a missed miscarriage and my MIL offered to come down. When my husband went to pick her up(an hour a way) she made excuses that she had to go back the next day but as my husband had work he wasn't able to do this so she didn't end up coming.

That is the last time we have spoken to her. In the meantime I suffered a haemorrhage and an emergency D&C and I was on my own in A&E as my husband was with the children as we have no one to have them.

I feel so angry, hurt and upset that she had not bothered with us but I have come to the point that I don't want I act with her now anyway as this was just one of a long list of things.

My husband on the other hand and rightly so I suppose is struggling but my issue is he is so miserable and grumpy that it is affecting the mood in the house and affecting me and I'm feeling angry and resentful. I lost my mom last year and I suppose I saw my MIL as a mum figure as I used to call her all of the time for a chat so I thought we got on well. I'm feeling a combination of upset over losing my mom and baby and MIL not giving a damn but my husband constantly thinking about it all and I think wanting to be in touch with his mum.

I know I'm unreasonable about it really but because of all the feelings I'm feeling I'm not thinking rationally. MIL has said some awful things about my eldest son when he was a baby saying he would grow up to be a 'gay boy'. This comment is enough for me. It makes no odds to me if he loves a man or a woman I would just want him to be happy and hope he could confuse in me. This was in response to another arguement. I want to go no contact, I think she is toxic. My husband is at the point of saying things won't be the same but she is my mom.

Don't know where to proceed from here really. I feel emotionally drained and anxious.

OP posts:

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Nanny0gg · 25/04/2017 08:40

Give yourself some time and space.

It would be quite understandable for you to want nothing to do with her, however it is up to your husband how he handles it (although his loyalties should be with you - and after that comment about his son...)

Maybe get this moved to Relationships? Lots of help and advice there.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/04/2017 08:43

I remember your previous post.
I have been in similar situ.
My dh took some time to accept his dm wasn't the person /parent that he thought she was. . Then he moved on. . And happily left her behind. .
Your dh likely feels let down himself and on your behalf. .
Tell him he is welcome to have a relationship with her but it's best for you and your dc if you all don't.
I told my dh I would accept his choice to see his and he didn't want to.
Sorry for your loss too.

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 10:33

Thank you for the replies, sorry for the delay I was on school run.

I think that's what is getting to me the most that she has history for this behaviour and although he is aware of it he said it's his mum. I truly understand that but in the process of it all it has a negative effect on us all as he is miserable and sensitive about it all.

He said he knows things will never be the same but he can't not talk to his mum again. I'm not asking him to I just don't want it to constantly cause bad feeling at home.

Over the years his mum left early at our wedding(5pm), MIL had also criticised my aunt who had decorated our reception room as DH family went and sat down and were messing with the table displays and my aunt said to them"don't you thing the bride and groom should see the room first?"MIL left early at our first son's christening, criticised our second son's christening and left after the service. She didn't even say hello or goodbye to me so I didn't even know what was happening, it was only my friend telling my husband that his mum and BIL who had brought her had left that made him go after her and in the car park he offered to take her home later after the buffet but she told him not to make her choose between her two sons. That's not even what he was doing but she twisted it.

MIL also ripped apart my family who allowed us to have my sons birthday party at their house. I heard her while I was upstairs poorly.

At my mum's funeral she said somebody was rude to her because she was asked how she knew my mum and MIL said she was abrupt. She just makes every occasion about her.

Many other instances of saying she will come down but cancels at the last minute.

Sorry if it doesn't make much sense I have literally put it down as it has come into my head and it has made me feel better.

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PeaFaceMcgee · 25/04/2017 10:38

I wonder if he would read the stately homes threads on here - fear, obligation and guilt is no foundation for his relationship with her.

He needs to get help with this as it's affecting the family.

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 10:56

Peaface, where is the stately home thread? Also how do I get this thread moved to relationships?

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 25/04/2017 11:01

Yes she is his dm. .
But you are his dw.
And that means his loyalty must be to you and your feelings.
She sounds bitter of that tbh.
And her attitude to your dc would make me keep them away. She doesn't sound like an appropriate gp. .
Leave it with dh and don't give her head space. You really don't have to have a relationship with her. It isn't the law!

PeaFaceMcgee · 25/04/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2862886-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 11:09

Thanks justmade, I have decided I'm not going to have a relationship with her. I have told DH this and also said he needs to decide what he wants to do as it's only him that can make that decision.

MIL has never had a relationship with our children my six year old was crying though when MIL didn't come as stupidly we had told him she was coming as we really didn't think she would let us down this time due to circumstances.

Looking back she has been bitter and tried to ruin every occasion we have had. My family have all died so I probably feel it more as we have lost our support network. I know we are not unique but it hurts all the same.

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Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 11:09

Thanks peaface for the link, I will have a read.

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mummytime · 25/04/2017 11:12

The Stately homes thread is in relationships - it has "Stately home" in the title.

To get your thread moved - report your first post, and in the comment say you think it should be moved.

And its not you its them. "Toxic Families" is often recommended too.

KC225 · 25/04/2017 11:35

I am sorry about your loss OP. I do understand she let you down and you were angry but knowing her history of leaving and cancellation maybe you should have sought out a friend or neighbour or what about your DH's siblings.

If your DH is struggling and being miserable by having no contact then why not say to him. You contact her but I will not, I am still hurt and angry regards to what happened and I need time (perhaps a whole life time). Perhaps he will come to his own conclusions later but you don't want him blaming and resenting for having no contact, a couple of phone calls every now and then is not such a big betrayal. If the children have had no relationship with her than that will probably stay the a same.

All the time is he miserable or guilty with having no contact she is still in your marriage controlling emotions. Choose your battles. He contacts her, you don't want to know about it.

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 11:39

saying he would grow up to be a 'gay boy'

I'm with you, Freddo. What the elf is that comment supposed to mean?

Your DS will grow up to be himself, and if you raise him to be a good, honest and kind human being, then you have done a good job. His sexuality is the least of his attributes, and will be his business only.

She sounds nasty and sniper,

HappyFlappy · 25/04/2017 11:40

*eff - not elf
(Though I quite like "what the elf" as a minor curse, now I come to consider it )

HeteronormativeHaybales · 25/04/2017 11:42

I have every sympathy with you, having direct experience of something similar, but you cannot expect to dictate to your dh that he is not to have a relationship with his mother. It is your right to avoid her, but don't force him to do the same. The realisation that a relationship is not good for one takes a long time and needs to come from the person themselves. I say that from first-hand experience of a position similar to your dh's (but without the pressure from my spouse).

JustSpeakSense · 25/04/2017 11:48

I can completely understand why you have decided to have no relationship with her.

Your DH sound miserable though, I think you need to make sure you are not influencing his decision to stay away from her (I think you are) let him come to the realisation of who she is on his own.

I'm sorry for your losses as you begin to recover you will find your emotional strength again and surround yourself with people who lift you up and support you.

One of my favourite quotes 'keep those who keep you'

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 11:51

I wouldn't tell him to not have a relationship with his mom, my issue is how he is because of it is having a negative effect on us all. I'm miserable because of the tension and losing my mom and baby within a year of each other. I have said to my husband to call her if he needs to but he said he doesn't. I suppose he is dealing with a mixture of emotions but this was the final straw for myself due to the miscarriage and her general attitude.

Happyflappy, I quite like what the elf myself

Her comment about my son being gay when he is older was disgusting.

My husband is probably trying to process it all and I will support him whatever he decides but I don't want constant unhappiness in the house.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2017 11:51

Some people do make things all about them unfortunately. You are totally correct to go NC and to keep your children away. Your dh is struggling because he's been conditioned for so long and his feelings are totally normal. As are yours.

If you can afford some therapy or counselling, I really could highly recommend talking this through. Your mil is having a massive impact on your marriage and you know how toxic people are by how much they of a negative affect they have on you even when they are not present.

Take solace in the fact that you are not her. She sounds very very messed up. I read this and I think about my sil. I think when her son grows up, he will one day have a partner, who is suffering in the way in which you are suffering. She is incredibly toxic and made my stepdads funeral two week ago all about her. There is nothing we can do for these people and can only protect our children, our loved ones and ourselves from them.

OnionKnight · 25/04/2017 11:53

Your MIL sounds awful but you cannot force your DH to not see her.

What is this chuff about husbands needing to be loyal to their wives, is it a case of once they are married they need to forget that they ever had a mum?

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 11:55

Onionknight, I'm not forcing him to not have a relationship with his mum. I just don't want an unhappy home because of her actions.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 25/04/2017 11:56

Onion

Op has said she's happy for her dh to continue seeing his mother. He gets to decide and this is as it should be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2017 12:04

What is this chuff about husbands needing to be loyal to their wives, is it a case of once they are married they need to forget that they ever had a mum?

No not at all. Some mothers of their now adult sons are not emotionally healthy. Such women cannot and actively will not let go of their now adult child and want them to remain dependent. They are jealous because they feel "pushed out" and also cannot accept that their now adult son has a wife. They still need such people like their son to be emotionally dependent on them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2017 12:06

OP

Your H is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and has been programmed to put her first and foremost in his life. He has been well trained by her. Hence all his inertia now. However, such inertia on his part re his mother simply hurts him as well as you.

Do post in Relationships and read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

OnionKnight · 25/04/2017 12:06

I get that, I suppose I read it as H must be blindly loyal to his wife, the mum is now irrelevant.

Sorry

PrettyGoodLife · 25/04/2017 12:09

I hope you feel better soon and that this does not hang too long over your family. You seem to be taking a very sensible approach. GOod luck and stay strong!

Freddofrog1983 · 25/04/2017 12:12

That's ok onion.

I have tried to include MIL on various occasions such as when we booked a holiday I suggested to DH that we invite his mom along which he did. She accepted then a couple of weeks before she said she couldn't go. That is just one of many examples.

I also phoned her very regularly just for a chat and she even commented that I spoke to her more than her own daughter so I have tried to have a relationship with her.

We are not in touch with SIL and BIL's as they are worse than MIL.

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