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(46 Posts)
cleanlaundry Tue 25-Apr-17 08:03:37

Just wanted to get everyone's opinion on this. DH and I don't have joint bank account, I know sharing finances is the norm but I can't get my head around the fact that I have my own debts to pay back, which is we have a joint account, then essentially we would both be paying my debt? I have a credit card balance to pay off but most of the stuff I bought was for the baby. But I see that as my purchases that I wanted to get the baby so essentially I'd pay it off.

However if we did have joint finances then Is it unreasonable to then divide the leftover money equally between ourselves?

He earns a whole lot more than me but I'm part time because of DC. I don't know how he'd react to giving me half the leftover money because he does sometimes make a point about having to pay for everything (big things like bills and food etc but I pay almost half the mortgage and any other little bits we might need around the house) but that's obviously because he's full time and earns 3x as much!

If you're the higher earner how would you feel having to share your leftover money with your other half?

It's family money. It pays for all three of you to have a roof over your heads, food in your bellies and your child to have clothing.

You're doing unpaid work around the house that DH would have to pay somebody to do if you didn't. To raise - let's not forget - his child.

You might want to get this moved to Relationships.

TheSnowFairy Tue 25-Apr-17 08:09:24

DH and I have 3 DCs. All his (ft) wages and all my (much lower pt) wages go into one account which we both use as needed.

It's not your DH's 'leftover' money, IMO it's family money.

HTH

Devorak Tue 25-Apr-17 08:09:56

My DH has taken sabbatical time (2 years) off work and I entirely supported him. Didn't mind at all. I had extended maternity leave and he supported me. We're a team.

He earned considerably more than me when we got married but all money has always been pooled. We have individual and rarely used credit cards but that's mostly to have the ability to surprise each other.

I find the idea of separate finances weird and any debt becomes joint when you're married. If paying it back makes financial sense then you should. If it's a low-interest type loan where you're better off keeping the cash somewhere else then do that.

TheSnowFairy Tue 25-Apr-17 08:10:18

x post with preemptive!

expatinscotland Tue 25-Apr-17 08:10:25

Another person married to a financially abusive person. I was the only earner for some time. All the money went in one pot and we divided equally what was left after bills, because we're a team, he was not my employee.

As for debt to pay your child together stuff, words fail!

You're paying half the mortgage on 1/3 his wage and he's grousing?!

Your spouse is a dick.

HermioneJeanGranger Tue 25-Apr-17 08:10:34

It's family money!

Havingahorridtime Tue 25-Apr-17 08:13:49

If you worked more hours and earned more money it would impact on your husbands ability to work so many hours and earn so well. So effectively the money you both earn is shared money as you have earned it jointly by working as a team (just doing different things). I don't have a joint bank account with my DH but he earns more Han me so we make sure that we contribute proportionally to the household and children's costs and have roughly the same amount left each to spend.

mellysam Tue 25-Apr-17 08:16:14

In our house all wages go into one joint account (at the moment only my wages because DH is SAHP) and we get exactly the same amount of personal spending money after food shop/kids expenses/bills/mortgage to spend on our own things like CDs, etc.
As a PP said, we are a team.

Havingahorridtime Tue 25-Apr-17 08:16:49

And baby stuff is definitely a joint expense as you didn't create the baby by yourself.
Me and DH both have credit cards which we pay individually from our own spending money but those cards are used for either shit that I want (shoes and bags) or shit that DH wants (random useless shit). If we put anything on a card for the kids or house we pay it back jointly.

Lydsy Tue 25-Apr-17 08:20:05

We have our own bank accounts and a joint spends account. We both put what ever money is left after bills into the spends account to pay for food/ fuel/fun stuff. Dh puts a lot more money into the account than me as he works ft and is paid a lot more than me who works pt. He knows I work at keeping the house and family life running smoothly. Children are a joint effort why do you feel you have to pay for baby items?

honeylulu Tue 25-Apr-17 08:26:05

It should all be joint if there is a disparity in income, particularly if that disparity is because one partner earns less because they care for the couple's children and the lions share of running the household.
I still think it's OK to have separate accounts particularly if you have different spending habits (ie one prone to get into debt while the other is thrifty) but the sharing of the pot should be equal.
I admit that in our household finances are fairly separate. We have joint accounts for household expenses and kids stuff and holidays etc and we contribute to it a monthly proportion of our earnings. We keep whatever is left. This does mean that I (as the higher earner) have more disposable income, though when my husband earned more, he had more. I've suggested sharing it all but as he earns a decent salary himself and I pay for most of the family "treats" and am also good at saving (currently for an extension that will benefit all of us) he said he is happy to leave things as they are.
If our incomes were wildly different and one partner was "going without " while the other treated him/ herself or sat on piles if cash, I'd agree that would be totally unfair.

honeylulu Tue 25-Apr-17 08:27:24

Why are you considering clothing the baby is your expense? Shielding your child from nakedness is not a treat, it is a necessity!

beekeeper17 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:32:57

But surely it's not his money, it's money that he has brought in for the family in the same way that whatever money you bring in is for the family? Everyone contributes differently in a relationship/family e.g. someone may bring in more money, someone may do more childcare duties, but it seems a bit cruel to put you at a financial disadvantage because the role you have within the family doesn't bring in as much money as him. Do you really think it's acceptable for your husband to sit and watch you getting into debt buying things for the baby and he's not contributing? Sorry if that's a bit harsh but it's really not right.

beekeeper17 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:38:08

And I earned more than my husband when I was working full time and had no issues with pooling everything. Now I'm on maternity leave and he is obviously earning a lot more than me. But we don't treat it as his money or my money, it's just that we effectively just have one wage coming in to the family now plus a little bit of maternity pay.

sailorcherries Tue 25-Apr-17 08:42:20

My other half and I have a joint account and our own personal accounts. Our wages get transferred in to our own accounts and we then pay an equal sum in to the joint account (we earn relatively the same).

From the joint account we pay the mortgage, home insurance, tv, food, council tax etc etc.
From our own account we oay our car finances, petrol, phones and the remainder is our own, which we put some of in to individual isas. We use our own accounts for this to as we each have the choice how much to spend on cars and phones.

I also recieve the child benefit and csa in to my account, so I tend to buy any little bits ans bobs for DS without issue. When we go out as a family we tend to take it in turns to pay, no grudges. For holidays we just pay half each.

I appreciate it isn't how others work but we aren't married and it works for us.
In the future I will likely earn more than OH, possibly 1.5 times his wage (not as dramatic as you) but I'll pay more in to the joint account to build up joint savings.

beekeeper17 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:42:56

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/when-having-separate-bank-accounts-is-the-opposite-of-independence-20170320-gv26o5.html

I read this recently and thought it very interesting.

harderandharder2breathe Tue 25-Apr-17 08:47:39

If you were also working full time and using childcare, that would be costing a hell of a lot more

You being part time is allowing him to be full time.

Family money should be shared, you're a team.

Smilingthru Tue 25-Apr-17 08:54:22

DH and I have a joint account and our own accounts. I'm part time due to DC. DH earns double my wage. Wages go into our own accounts. I put half my wages in (which equates to half the mortgage). We use joint account for all bills, food, petrol, joint socialising, bits for DC, days out. DH puts enough of his wages in to cover the rest. Works out we are both left with the same amount of money in our own account for our own things if that makes sense?? So both left with say £500 for our own social life, clothes etc. We both save what we can but that depends on what we have going on (last month I saved very little as had to pay for a hen do). We have separate savings but purely because DH is one we can only access at a bank and mine is one we can access online. Just works better if we need to use savings for emergencies etc.

I have a small Credit Card debt (used card whilst on mat for Xmas presents). DH doesn't know about this (shock horror!!!) as we cleared all debts recently so he would be annoyed. It's only about £300 so I'm just paying that off on my own.

I struggled initially when I went part time with DH paying for more etc but I make sure I keep the house clean (most of the time) so he doesn't have to when he gets in from work.

I'm looking to up my hours later this year and DC will need to go to a Child Minder for this to happen (family current have DD). We will use my extra wages to cover this cost.

It's just about give and take. We try to see money as both of ours rather than inidividually.

RB68 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:56:24

Has to be shared. DH&I when we met I was the higher earner, with overtime he just about got to where I was when I was made redundant. My redundancy also went in the pot, everything goes in the pot, but also we don't have freerange to set up debt everywhere - so any big purchases like cars, houses, IT, TV, Furniture is a joint decision and so is how its financed. He generates most of the income now through his own company - which I run for him we take an equal salary but only from a finance point of view - its not reflective of either of our work loads/expertise etc its just how we do it. There have been comments in the past like - well I bring the money in - but thats like the sales director telling the MD he is in charge of making money - Sales guy can't do it without the MB, FD and Ops manager and oooh I do all of that side of things, so I tell him where to stuff it and if I don't my smart 11 yr old points out to him that he cant do it without me!!

nicegorilla Tue 25-Apr-17 08:57:13

We have separate accounts but view our finances as joint. I have poor credit so it would be a bad idea to officially combine finances as it would mean getting a worse mortgage rate.

DH earns many times my salary so he pays all the bills and transfers a lump sum into an account for my use which is just topped up when it runs low. We don't really keep tabs on who has spent what and he doesn't comment on what I spend money on. He pays for any big expenses like furniture and holidays. I think it's odd not to consider baby expenses as joint. Tbh we just think of everything as joint expenses as it benefits us both in some way to be able to spend on nice things for ourselves.

Newtssuitcase Tue 25-Apr-17 09:00:10

All money is joint money here (I am the higher earner atm). We are a team and individual purchasing for things like socialising/clothes etc is done on trust so just as DH wouldn't clear out the joint account buying clothes for himself, neither would I.

I know people who have separate money but I really struggle to understand how it works without causing some underlying resentment. Particularly once children come along.

Imamouseduh Tue 25-Apr-17 09:03:22

We don't have shared finances but we both work full time and have no children. DH out-earns me by a long way, we pay bills proportionally to what we each earn and our leftover money is ours individually. I would absolutely hate for him to be able to see every little thing I spend my money on, and have no interest in knowing how he spends his. Has worked for us for 10+ years.

MissClarke86 Tue 25-Apr-17 09:04:11

I am the higher earner and we've always had a joint account. We discuss purchases together.

ElisavetaFartsonira Tue 25-Apr-17 09:19:59

You're in debt because you had to buy things for the baby instead of it coming out of what's left after bills are paid? That's awful. And unless it's because DH gave you enough to cover it but you decided baby needed designer instead of Tesco, he is being utterly unreasonable.

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