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AIBU to not invite my family to my wedding?

(11 Posts)
user1493102722 Tue 25-Apr-17 08:01:39

Sorry, it's another wedding one...
NC for this as obviously I don't want to offend anyone.

I am engaged but do not have a wedding date yet (DP and I are quite young and it will probably be a few years yet) but this issue has been playing on my mind for a while.

I have a very large extended family, including many cousins, aunts, uncles etc. It is a very welcoming and loving family and I have always been included in family events BUT my extended family has quite different political views from my immediate family.
In short, my extended family are not very sensitive about race/sexuality etc, and can be 'passively racist' quite often. For example, they have defended blackface in the past in certain contexts (eg as a costume) leading to arguments between us . Despite this, they would not say (or believe) anything openly hateful but are very unlikely to sensor their language in any way at my request.

I have very pale skin while DP's parents are from Africa and he has quite dark skin.
If I invite only some of my extended family (ie the ones who aren't racist), the other members of my family will definitely be offended. If I invite all of them, I am worried my DP's family will be offended.

AIBU to only invite some members of my family or should I invite all/none of them?

Theworldisfullofidiots Tue 25-Apr-17 08:03:24

Have a small wedding. Just have people you really love and can be relaxed with.

mangomay Tue 25-Apr-17 08:08:35

YANBU, it's your wedding and you have who you want there. Don't be swayed by people trying to guilt trip you. Stand your ground. DP and I are having 8 people at our wedding and no more. We're having a party later for around 30, but the actual wedding is immediate family only.
If you and DP come up with a line, and stick to it, then when anyone questions your choices you just say it, repeatedly if need be. "We've decided to have a small wedding and we'd like everyone to respect that"

OvariesForgotHerPassword Tue 25-Apr-17 08:09:12

It's a cliché but your day, your way grin

We didn't invite my racist, homophobic uncle to our wedding. It caused a massive rift and everything kicked off and my nan wouldn't even come to the wedding ceremony, but DH and I wouldn't have relaxed. I'm bisexual and DH's ushers included my gay brother, a lesbian and our best friend who is trans, not to mention a huge amount of variety in our guests. I prioritised their comfort and I'm so glad I did, the day was wonderful and relaxed without him there and anyone who chose not to come as a result missed out smile

Prioritise the non-racists (DP's family and your non-racist family members) over the racists. Who cares if they're offensive? They should think of that before they say racist things.

You will be on edge all day if you invite them, waiting for it to kick off. Let them be offended at not being invited; don't get drawn into it. I ended up writing an email to my uncle (at his request) telling him exactly why he wasn't invited, 4 days before the wedding. He then kicked off at this too, which confirmed I was doing the right thing but it was stress I could have done without. Just don't engage.

Enjoy the wedding planning!

user1493102722 Tue 25-Apr-17 10:30:35

ovaries did not having your uncle there cause a long lasting rift or did it pass?

If I only invited people who I really wanted there, I would end up inviting some people' adult children but not their parents, as well as the other way around. I'm worried that this will mean that people are very offended.

OvariesForgotHerPassword Tue 25-Apr-17 10:39:55

We only got married in December. I have no interest in having any contact with the uncle so I'm not fussed about any rift there. It seems to have calmed down with my nan as in there's no arguing but my mum can't forgive her for not coming to the wedding over something as petty as someone else not being invited, and my nan is very much "you have to invite the whole family to keep up appearances" so she's still not happy with me.

However we had an amazing wedding, everyone who was there felt relaxed, most of the family understood my reasons and there's certainly no big feud or huge arguments, just a general cooling-off with relatives whose views I find abhorrent anyway smile

If people have a go at you, you have a few options. You could ignore and not engage, give excuses about space and prioritising the family members you're closest to, or tell them exactly why you're not inviting them. I tried the 1st and 2nd, the 3rd was a last resort for me.

Be prepared for the "woe is me" act, some will play the victim and say "I have no idea why user hasn't invited me". My uncle did this, prompting me to send him the email saying well actually, it's because you're a vile racist homophobe. He then convinced himself it was me being young and naive and silly (I'm 22).

You both need to be relaxed and comfortable on your wedding day. For me, the stress of sorting out the issues with the guest list was so worth it for the atmosphere on the day smile

Those who want to be there will be there, regardless of who else is invited. If people get swept up in the family politics of it, you're better off without them there.

MidnightAura Tue 25-Apr-17 10:44:21

I would just have immediate family. It's you and your DPs wedding day. Have who you want there not who you should feel you "have to" invite.

GabsAlot Tue 25-Apr-17 11:34:17

your wedding you invite who u want

if its going to cause problems dont invite any extended family i.e not even the adult children

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 25-Apr-17 12:06:13

I just had a family member visiting. I quietly sit cringing and hope she won't say anything unPC when I am mixing with other parents at after school activities or with friends. You are totally right to not want these family members at your wedding. You need to relax and enjoy your day.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 25-Apr-17 12:07:58

He then convinced himself it was me being young and naive and silly. Same thing is said to me...I'm 46.

Mumzypopz Tue 25-Apr-17 14:15:53

It's really not unusual to just have immediate family at your wedding. If they get offended so what. Life is too short.

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