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To ask my dh to leave after our 15 year relationship

(25 Posts)
MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:30:42

I have recently discovered my dh has changed a girls name to a mans name in his phone. We have had history of him speaking to females in the past but he never tells me about them. We dont have alot of friends and he is nearly always at home with us. So i feel i should know any female he knows, or at least any female that he has long, 40 mins or 1am conversations with. The messages i read seem quite harmless but he never tells me upfront that he has been messaging or speaking to an old female friend (as he says), or an old school friend. And also, these messages were received at 1am. It said something like, "im up. Are you still with them? This is my other number". . He said the message wasnt for him as it makes no sense. But he got in at 12am last night. He swears nothing is going on but why does he have to conceal their name in his phone? I can't help but think that the friendship is something more. The problem is, on this occasion, i saw no proof that he spoke to her or non-innocent messages. When i confront him he says he was scared to upset and lose me(???) Thats why he doesn't tell me - because of all the drama it has caused in the past.

This is the 3rd lie in a year. We got a 7 month old dc. I can't take the lies. I want to leave him but it seems an overreaction from a 1am missed call from 'john'. When is enough enough??

FanaticalFox Mon 24-Apr-17 21:34:07

That would be enough for me to LTB to be honest flowers

ThePinkOcelot Mon 24-Apr-17 21:34:46

Enough is enough when you say so OP. Who has conversations at 1am with old school friends?

Shoxfordian Mon 24-Apr-17 21:36:28

Yeah that's so suspicious
Ltb

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:37:47

Nope. i'd be done.

happypoobum Mon 24-Apr-17 21:41:36

LTB

LonginesPrime Mon 24-Apr-17 21:41:47

Yes, you don't need an excuse to leave him!

If he's making you feel like shit, tell him to pack his bags and go stay with his trusty friend John...

StillDrivingMeBonkers Mon 24-Apr-17 21:42:00

So i feel i should know any female he knows, or at least any female that he has long, 40 mins or 1am conversations with.

The messages i read seem quite harmless but he never tells me upfront that he has been messaging or speaking to an old female friend (as he says), or an old school friend

We have had history of him speaking to females in the past but he never tells me about them.

Are you a very jealous type?

TBH my DH has all manner of old school friends, some are old girl friends from teen years, female colleagues and so forth, It's never occurred to me to read his phone.

Bottom line, if you YOU don't have trust then there is no relationship. I think you're looking for excuses to leave.

MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:42:21

It doesn't seem right to leave someone based on suspicion.. especially as we have a family, home, car and 15 years together. And i cannot prove anything, apart from he changed a name. (Well, thats all he did on this occasion).

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:45:19

If there's mistrust then I could leave over that. If somebody makes me feel paranoid theyre not for me.

MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:45:57

Im not the jealous type. It all started when we were young and child free .10 yrs ago and he met up with an ex female colleague for coffee. He chose not to tell me, but he had a slip of the tongue months later. I was so mad as he felt the need to hide that. So now, he choses to hide any female interaction he has.

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Mon 24-Apr-17 21:47:59

Secrets are only for people who have something to hide.

RiseToday Mon 24-Apr-17 21:51:02

He's a serial liar and John is quite obviously a woman.

Chippednailvarnishing Mon 24-Apr-17 21:55:35

on this occasion.

He's taking you for a mug.

PyongyangKipperbang Mon 24-Apr-17 21:56:26

"I lied because I knew that you would over react"

Oldest line in the book. It turns their lie around to being your fault.

No, he lied because he knew that what he was doing was wrong. If it didnt need hiding then he wouldnt be hiding it.

YANBU to end a marriage to man who lies to you consistently and in whom you no longer have any trust. Just be aware that he will try and imply that you are ending the marriage of this one "mistake" so that you question yourself and back down. Dont, because this isnt one mistake at all. It was the latest in a series of deliberate lies and lies by omission.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Mon 24-Apr-17 22:00:27

10 yrs ago and he met up with an ex female colleague for coffee

So you haven't trusted him for 10 years ..... still you've got the baby now .....

Iflyaway Mon 24-Apr-17 22:08:12

As a new mum you obviously feel vulnerable and after a 15 year relationship it's a whole new life change, for both of you.

Do you feel he is pulling his weight? Being there for you and his son?

To me it sounds he is still in school-boy mode. Messaging women while pretending they are men?! WTF!
Pathetic trying to cover up his lies and highly disrespectful of you and the new family dynamics.

I would be slowly but surely getting my ducks in a row.

FanaticalFox Mon 24-Apr-17 22:11:27

Don't stay together because you have a house and a car! The fact you said that suggests you're clutching at straws for this relationship.

RealFakeDoors Mon 24-Apr-17 22:28:38

OP, have you caught your DH flirting with other women, sexting, or having an emotional affair? Has he used adult chat / OLD? I have to say, meeting with on old friend without telling you doesn't strike me as the greatest crime in the world. Certainly not worth holding onto for 10 years. I'm feeling were not getting the full story here.

NeedsAsockamnesty Mon 24-Apr-17 22:42:30

You have issues with him talking to any woman without notifying you then it's time to finish it.

People in relationships who trust there partner do not feel the need to check up on them.

He could be doing all sorts or he could be doing nothing but the starting point is unhealthy.

Yep he shouldn't be storing numbers under the wrong names but you shouldn't be looking and in this situation you can act due to your feelings you do not trust him so it's end game

BaronessBomburst Mon 24-Apr-17 22:46:06

Put "John's" number into WhatsApp and see what profile picture comes up.

MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 22:51:29

RealFakeDoors - so, the history......
Not seen flirting. No sexting. Saw a call he made to a woman in an online chat room. Just one call. He said they were talking about a party on Facebook that a mutual friend arranged. That was a year ago. I caught him out on that again. Next, Some inappropriate facebook posts about his 'prefered sexual acts and other filth'. Posted on a private facebook group. Again, we moved on from that as it was not an affair but still classed as a secret. Then he was messaging a female all day one day but the messages seemed like she was very into him. Asking what he was up to. How our kids were.. But he failed to tell me about this new friendship. He seems to be physically faithful as hes always in but can't help himself with going off for a private chat or text-time in secret.

MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 22:52:39

BaronessBombarst - good idea, although the text said she was changing her number.

MannBoy Mon 24-Apr-17 23:01:45

Iflyaway - he is a great dad. Pulls his weight. Another reason it doesn't seem right to throw it all away over some words on a screen.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 24-Apr-17 23:04:08

He isn't a good dad if he treats his sons dm like shit. .

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