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AIBU to want to understand why he did what he did?

(38 Posts)
Spaghettihoops23 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:13:29

So long story short....
Child of divorce, saw "dad"for a few years then contact just stopped. Not seen him since I was around 10, now 32.
No child maintenance to my mum, no xmas or bday. No big deal, had a great childhood brought up by mum and grandparents.
Still always had relationship with "dads" parents.
Cut to 4 years ago, grandpa on dads side past away. Was ill for a uncle tried to get in touch with him(apparently works for military being a superhero😐)couldn't get in contact, works at the end of the earth blah blah blah!
Didn't appear at funeral. No contact since.
Sunday my lovely gran passes away. Today I find out that "dad" has been told and will be in our home town tomorrow and will be staying in my grans house! His 2nd ex wife told him. Even though before it would take weeks to get messages to him.
So my aunt made a good point yesterday about the possibility of him turning up as now that both his parents have passed there will be money.
He just makes me so angry that he didn't visit his mum once after his dad died.
I have been waiting for an opportunity for so long to ask him questions but now that is it becoming real I'm freaked out and feel that I just want to scream, shout and kick the cunt!

ZigZagIntoTheBlue Mon 24-Apr-17 21:16:51

I can't offer any real help but you might feel better if you're cold and icy towards him. I doubt very much there is anything he could say that would come close to being a decent explanation for his absenteeism and we can only hope his parents wrote him out and he gets the square root of fuck all for his troubles. My condolences for your gran flowers

Aria2015 Mon 24-Apr-17 21:30:13

I'm sorry you've been through this. I have a shit dad too. I did manage to have a heart to heart with him a few years back and express how much he'd hurt me etc... he said all the right things and cried. For that conversation I felt like I'd got through to him. He promised all kind of things but hasn't changed. But strangely it doesn't bother me now - getting it off my chest and telling him how shit he's been was so therapeutic and really put my bitterness and sadness about our relationship to bed.

So I'm all for you telling him what you feel and asking him questions. Just be prepared that he may not show any remorse and may make excuses for himself.

Best of luck, I hope you manage to get some closure.

Spaghettihoops23 Mon 24-Apr-17 22:21:42


BoneyBackJefferson Mon 24-Apr-17 22:33:42


But if you do do this be prepared for his version of his parents to be different from what you know of your grandparents.

SanitysSake Mon 24-Apr-17 22:37:01

I wouldn't give him the benefit of your breath.

Finola1step Mon 24-Apr-17 22:40:43

I would be tempted to not say anything ti him. Wait for the penny to drop about who you are (I'm assuming that he won't recognise you immediately but he may). Icy cold as a PP suggested.

Flopjustwantscoffee Mon 24-Apr-17 22:48:51

Boney, well maybe. But it wasn't just the grandparents he walked out on was it?

Blumkin Mon 24-Apr-17 22:50:55

Condolences for your gran. flowers

Think carefully about going and asking questions - it probably won't give you the closure you need... That closure has to come from within you.

Your emotional are probably fragile after the death of your gran - focus on grieving for your loss of her, be kind to yourself, and do not allow him to make this painful time even worse.

After all no words alone can compensate and make it right.

You may meet him and find he's not prepared to answer any questions, or that he gives skewed answers, or he doesn't want to see you at all, or he suddenly wants to forge an intense relationship you're not really ready for or willing to have. Or any number of things. He's disappointed you enough in life already.

Sending you a hug

BoneyBackJefferson Mon 24-Apr-17 22:55:04


I am not going to even try and make excuses for this man.

All I am doing is pointing out that the OP has one definitive view of her grandparents and mother, this may not be reflected in what her "dad" may say.

And as unpalatable as it may be, there maybe some truth to what he says.

As the old saying goes

Let sleeping dogs lie.

IHeartDodo Mon 24-Apr-17 23:10:11

Sorry about your gran.
Maybe just try to focus on saying goodbye to her and ignore your 'dad'.
Otherwise if you stew about it then later you might resent your dad "taking" this from you?
(not that he doesn't sound awful, but this isn't about him)

HappyFlappy Mon 24-Apr-17 23:11:57

He's a shit.

Feel free to tell him so, but don't expect him to listen. However, you will probably feel better for it, as Aria says.

I recently had the opportunity to vet my spleen with someone who had done me a very great disservice. He refused to take responsibility for any of his malicious actions. Didn't matter. I let him know how I felt and didn't let him BS me - he didn't like having to hear a few home truths at all!

It was FANTASTIC! grin

HappyFlappy Mon 24-Apr-17 23:12:48

*vent, not vet. My spleen is very healthy and does not require medical attention from an animal doctor, no matter how qualified.

tararabumdeay Mon 24-Apr-17 23:36:21

This is so sad. Sorry for the loss of your Gran.

I met my Dad for the first time in 25 years last year. It was amiable, even somewhat affectionate in a nostalgic way, but there was no connection.

That's how it was left. Yes, I could do the dutiful daughter and I'm sure he'd hoover it up to make up for the five natural (three half siblings) and two step children he shirked responsibility for but I have other things to do.

He's not a bad person, just not my type these days. I'll give him his credit in that he was interested but not gushing.

If there's money involved, in your case, then that's his issue - not yours.

On the plus side: his behavior and my DH's father's too, made DH and I resolve to stay together even when it all got a bit hairy.

You do not have to connect with the man if you see him. If you do, you're the adult now, it's on your terms.

Jux Mon 24-Apr-17 23:48:25

So sorry flowers

Kick him. Then tell him how you feel, and then ask as many questions of him as you have - write them down so you don't forget them, and so you can give him the list (keep a copy for yourself).

I'm sorry to say that the likelihood of him istening is low (especially after you kick him, so don't do that!)

chastenedButStillSmiling Mon 24-Apr-17 23:48:58

Sadly many, many parents find it easy to walk away from their children.

And most of them will never understand the hurt and devastation it leaves behind.

Talk to him by all means, say whatever's in your head or in your heart. But however the conversation goes, he's still someone who walked away from his responsibilities and the ties that are supposed to bind us, didn't bind him.

flowers for all your losses.

tillytown Tue 25-Apr-17 05:07:03

Sorry about your grandparents flowers Hopefully they excluded your father from their will, the dickhead deserves nothing.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 25-Apr-17 05:25:58

I would expect bullshit excuses if you talk to him. I'm sorry for your loss.

morningrunner Tue 25-Apr-17 05:55:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 25-Apr-17 06:10:12

I'm really sorry for your loss. Do whatever feels right for you. He will never be the parent you need. At a time like this, it's going to be really hard to see him. You are worth so much more than an idiot, who abandoned you. Your grandparents knew this and so does your mum.

I really hope he is not left a penny. He deserves nothing. He certainly doesn't deserve to see what a wonderful woman you've turned into.

TheTabardOfDoom Tue 25-Apr-17 06:13:16

I would say, "Hi money Dad money glad money to money see money you money. You money look money well money. I money hope money you money get money the money money money money" and walk away. What a bastard! The staying away and being a bad parent will be down to sheer laziness until the sniff of lucre is on the air.

highinthesky Tue 25-Apr-17 06:20:35

You have every right to be angry OP, but remember you owe this man nothing.

Don't even give him your headspace. He'll crawl back into his hole soon enough.

peukpokicuzo Tue 25-Apr-17 07:15:22

I don't think that trying to understand why is the way to go OP. Because the emotional maturity it would take for him to admit to being a selfish arse is almost certainly beyond him.

Don't try to talk about feelings. You have no need for a relationship with him. Interact with him as little as possible.

Though it doesn't seem appropriate for him to just be allowed to stay in his parents house. Is the existence/contents of the Will known yet? He may be disinherited which would be perfectly reasonable. Unless he is known to be legally sole heir he should not be allowed to occupy the house or have access to any personal possessions.

Butterymuffin Tue 25-Apr-17 07:19:07

Is your uncle still around? It would be better if it wasn't just him in line to inherit anything. I agree with staying icy cold. Sorry he's been so shit.

Donthate Tue 25-Apr-17 07:23:21

I hope your grandparents had a will. He sound like he has come sniffing for money. Don't spoil the funeral with an argument just ignore him

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