To be really pissed off with the amount of gossip that is being generated about me and my life?(15 Posts)
I am getting divorced. For one reason or another ive left the family home for a bit of a breather. I also know that there is a lot of gossip about why I'm not around. Fair enough. What is annoying me is the amount of forward and direct questions being asked to me and my best friends. I know its stupid but it totally hurts and offends me. My divorce has almost destroyed me and now it is light entertainment for those around me. How do you lot cope with it?
i know exactly how this feels, 2 years later and my ex still goes in the pub that simultaneously helped to cause our break up and witnessed the fall out, he also slept with many of the customers and staff and he took the kids in this pub when he saw them last. i have not said a word but it still niggles me now.
Say nothing. Tell people to mind their own business. Keep your head held high. My ex slagged me off all over Twitter. I said nothing. I kept my dignity.
They'll soon grow bored and find someone else to gossip about.
Tell them you're not going to be spreading rumours or that it takes two people and change the subject.
Or just avoid those who feel they need to know.
I went through this a decade ago now and found is soul destroying at the time, by found two things really helpful. 1. Someone said to me, it all be the same in ten years, just hold on (so so true) and 2. The poem "If" by Rudyard Kipling. That sounds like such a cliche but someone read it on the radio just at the peak of my despair and suddenly it seemed to be speaking to me - especially the parts about truth and lies and building yourself up again. Keep your head down and soldier on and you'll be alright
For one thing you are probably vastly overestimating how interested people are, and for another you've probably talked about other people in similar situations before.
They will be interested and nosy for about two weeks until it all dies down and something else will grab their attention. Let them gossip.
These people are not your friends, OP, if they're being nosy and insensitive or think your divorce is comic entertainment. When I was obviously pregnant for the first time at 40 (continually throwing up, barely eating, disappearing for hospital appointments) but not saying anything to anyone because I was possibly going to have to terminate, which wasn't even legal in the country where all this was happening, close friends were quietly supportive, but never asked a single leading question about what was going on, despite me saying nothing till I was 18 weeks pregnant. To this day I'm touched by how tactful they were.
Oh, hang on, I misread and thought it was your best friends who were being nosy. Just shut everyone else down pronto.
I'm sorry you're struggling, hopefully the divorce proceedings will go as well as possible.
I'm sure you've thought of this, but leaving the family home can have consequences when splitting assets etc. so please make sure you're covered for that.
I'd ask people why they want to know?! It tends to fluster them.
Had something similar happen when something really, really bad happened to me at work (it wasn't my fault). I had people asking if I was OK and wanting to meet and talk ... and eventually I realised they were feeling for gossip and getting off on the drama. Meanwhile, I was so ill I had priority appointments at my GP's. When actually asked for help they fled so fast that they left skid marks. I lost respect for many colleagues as a result.
I'm so sorry OP. I was very fortunate not to have been gossip fodder during my long and bitter divorce - I have good friends.
There were only two incidents I know of where my situation was talked about behind my back and I basically went ballistic at them and the people who told them (who I had trusted).
Who are these people asking questions? I think a simple "I'd rather not talk about it with you" will suffice if you want to keep your dignity.
Or ask them how they found out about your "news".
Keep your head high, smile and say absolutely nothing. Your true friends will make themselves obvious by their response to you. The others don't matter.
I found this out in real life, not when I got divorced so much as I moved a long way away at the same time, but when I was very publicly dumped by my boss (I was his PA). He called me in and said we (emphasis on 'we') would tell people it was my choice. I told him he could tell people whatever he wanted but I'd have no part of it. I kept my silence and the office soon knew that he'd replaced me with his mistress because many people had seen them on the back seat of his car at the executive (open) end of the underground car park, which was visible from the pavement outside.
It was hard to stay silent about it when I was so very angry, but I did it and it was worth it because what I got, was respect that was palpable. It also led to me getting a very much better job two years later. I was headhunted for it, I'd been thinking about leaving on and off but never done anything about it, I liked the industry too much.
Hang in there.
This was me 3 years ago when i divorced - people i don't even know more than to say "hello" to would try and get me to open to them to feed the gossip.
I have never held my head so high as then, even though it was very difficult at the time. It paid off, my private life has stayed just that and that is exactly what matters.
You get to know your real friends from the others in times like this. I even found 2 good friends in this situation who i would never have counted on having before - Stay strong and bite your tongue in public. You will not regret it in the months and years to come. It's not easy
Its not nice gossip. Its mean gossip. And I don't do mean gossip. And I back off when asked to.
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