DP and job, aibu?(14 Posts)
My DP and I have been together 2.5 years and in that time we have rented and then bought a house. We are also expecting a baby within the next 3 weeks.
When I met DP he had job A, and although he disliked it he kept going because of the money. Once we started renting he wanted to look at something else. He spoke about going back in to the forces, a decision I struggled with but accepted as his choice and encouraged. He got an interview then decided against it. Stuck with job A.
He then decided he wanted to go back to job B, something he trained in before we met. Then he decided not to.
After we moved in to our house he decided on job C, more hours and sales based but he seemed confident. Again I supported him. Again he turned it down when push came to shove.
He has, in the last week, started a new job, job D. Job D involves working with vulnerable adults and had DP convinced he wanted to go to college and then university in the following years to finally pursue career E. He seemed so set on this. Again I supported but I did have to let him know that it would be a big change and there was a chance of these adults lashing out at him in frustration and other issues he has never dealt with.
One week in and DP has been punched 4 times, hit with a plastic bat and then today he has been strangled.
He now isn't sure whethwr he wants to continue with this job or look for another.
I understand he is struggling, I know he's having a hard time and this is all new to him. However I cannot get over how many job changes he has considered and not followed through on. I hate the uncertainty and stress it places on us as a family and I'm not sure I can continue to plaster a smile on my face and encourage him to do something else.
Aibu to have reached the end of my tether with the constant changes?
But if I've read this right he's actually only changed jobs once? The others were just things he thought about and looked into, and decided not to pursue? That's hardly "constant changes". And he's stayed working throughout, so not sure what stress that places on your family?
He has only changed his job once but with the armed forces he was pretty much wet to go, had medicals etc and then backed out at the last minute.
The same with job C, he accepted the offer and then decided to phone in a day before he was due to start and and cancel.
Job A took him back both times.
It's more the stress of him deciding he's unhappy, deciding on completely new careers, me trying to sort finances to see how we'd be, offering the emotional support and so on only for it to go back to how it is.
I just know that if he decides to change again we'll go through months of applications, interviews and him toing and froing on any offers and so on.
I just can't deal with his constant mind changing and the uncertainty it places us in.
If he finds he cannot cope with his new job then you may have no choice but to support him through looking for another one.
How much support does he have at work, as presumably he is being trained "on the job" rather than just plunged in at the deep end? Was he able to research in any depth what the job would entail, both good and bad?
I know that "caring" type roles would not suit me. Not because I don't care about people. I do. More because I know that I simply couldn't cope with some of the stuff that can come with it, perhaps as your DP is now finding.
If I was about to have a child with someone I would be very keen to encourage them to find a job that didn't involve being strangled on a regular basis. By the law of averages he is going to get badly injured in that job sooner or later.
I spent weeks telling him what the job would entail - personal care, possible injuries from people lashing out, long hours on his feet and so on.
I repeatedly told him and at one point told him I didn't think he would be okay because he has said repeatedly he couldn't do that role. His own parents, siblings and friends said the same.
He insisted it would be fine.
I know he cannot stay in this job but he decided to take it 3 weeks before the baby is due, meaning he was no longer entitled to paid paternity leave and had to use holidays. He left a job where he could get in to other roles in prisons, immigration and so on (which he has always been keen to do) because he couldn't be bothered.
Now it looks like he'll be leaving this job sooner rather than later, or he'll to and fro and become resentful of working again.
TBH he sounds like he might have anxiety. The pulling out of new jobs at the last minute sounds similar to how I used to behave when my anxiety was really bad. New situations were very stressful to me and I would have panic attacks and pull out at the last minute. Do you think that could be it?
Is there any possibility of him being a SAHP for a while? It would give him some time to have a real think about what he wanted to do and put a plan in place, possibly retrain.
Actually the SAHP idea sounds great.
Why did he leave a job with paid paternity leave for one with none 3 weeks before your due date? That's really odd,
Then you do have my sympathy. I too have a DH who can be lacking in the "nderstanding reality" department, no matter how many times you try to tell him something.
It hasn't happened over his job, as he has always had the same one and been with the same employer for 23 years now, but it has in just about every other area of life. He views everything through rose tinted spectacles and can see no other aspects no matter how many times anyone explains to him. In fact, trying to explain downsides to him is like hammering your head against a brick wall. He doesn't believe it until he actually experiences what he has been told all along. It can be infuriating.
However, people who cannot cope in their jobs working with vulnerable adults or children really do have to seriously consider leaving. I am aware that doesn't help you now though, and yes, I would very probably lay into him with "You were told" etc. I would just be so angry I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
Unfortunately a SAHP wouldn't work, I don't think, unless we looked at tax credits and if we were eligible.
At the very most, once I return to work, he'd possibly need to earn at least £700 to pay some of the bills and his car etc (shared household finances and food, separate car finances and petrol/phone/private spends) as my income just wouldn't cover it all. That would be me paying all my own bills, and £1000 of the £1200 household expenses, still leaving him with money at the end of the month.
Although he has this stubborn pride and would hate to feel like someone else was supporting him.
He is going to have to leave, definitely. It's not a career choice for him and I don't want to see him suffer. I just hate all the discussions we have and then he makes his own mind up anyway.
Christ he had us looking at relocating down south for the forces, looking at houses etc and thinking about marriage for marriage quarters before going "nah not for me".
I'm also wondering wtf he was thinking leaving the job with paternity benefits so close to you giving birth.
Was he ever in combat situations? Possible delayed pts causing anxiety?
Never in combat situations.
And no clue, he just did because he decided he was wanting to go to college next year and then unifor four years after.
I'd like to give his head a good wobble but it won't do anyone any good right now.
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