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15 year old Dd and inappropriate messaging of strangers- am i wrong?

(52 Posts)
mummyofmoomoos Mon 24-Apr-17 12:04:23

I spot-check my Dd messages every few days, the last few weeks she has been very secretive and i havnt been able to get hold of her phone, she is 15 and studies hard, behaves mostly, and other than a very rare hormonal strop, is a good kid.

She accidently left her phone on the sofa when she went to the toilet, so i had a peek. She was logged into twitter and still in her messages so i read the first page, they were x-rated messages to and from my dd and another female. Dd saw i had her phone, flew at me and slapped me then ran off to her bedroom where she logged into twitter on another device and started deleting the messages.

Im so mad that shes messaging the content she is, and from what i saw its been going on a couple of weeks, and the other person is a total stranger to her that lives in the U.S.A. She is well aware of what can happen with talking to strangers online, she knows i dont allow it.

I was so angry that she had been doing this and had slapped me, that i threw her phone out of the window and the screen shattered, took her devices off her and told her i was not having that inappropriate behaviour and shes barred off the internet until she is 16, unless it was for school then i will sit with her. She has since sneaked downstairs during the night and used my kindle to set up another twitter account and added the same people to it as i had objected about in the first place. I shouted at her and let her know just how wrong this is, going behind my back sneakily, iv deleted all her social media accounts and told her shes not leaving the house again unless its for school. Shes not talking to me now and i know shes going to find some other way to set up again- what can i do?

MiddleClassProblem Mon 24-Apr-17 12:09:02

Reverse? Troll or just an over reactive parent?

If genuine, of course she's not talking to you. "Never leaving the house again"? Er... yes she will. She's not done anything outside the house anyway...

MarcelineTVQ Mon 24-Apr-17 12:10:42

hmm Talking to strangers on the internet..what are you doing now?

TeaQuiero Mon 24-Apr-17 12:11:50

OK, yeah, there's an issue at the centre of this but she slaps you and you throw things out of windows, smashed her possession, barred her from the internet and 'leaving the house' forever.

So here's a tip. Stop bloody yelling at her and smashing things and sit down and actually talk to her.

My mother was like you. We don't speak. Every little tiny issue she'd go ballistic and I just came to realise she would never, ever listen to a word I said and everything I did was "omg paedos!!1 omg ur a slut!!1" Christ, I wish I had had a more exciting teenagehood, she certainly thought I was!

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 24-Apr-17 12:11:58

Really hmm. If you're for real, you handled it really badly. Really, really badly.

AlternativeTentacle Mon 24-Apr-17 12:13:53

Turn the internet off?

I have to say your reaction is extremely childish.

MarcelineTheVampire Mon 24-Apr-17 12:17:54

YABU and handled the situation awfully. You don't like that she acted violently but you then smash her possession and ban her from leaving the house forever - blimey.

She is 15, they start to experience sexual hormones and it is clear if the messages are to another female that she may be confused about her sexuality. How about sit down and talk to her rather than fly off the handle.

ShowMeWhatYouGot Mon 24-Apr-17 12:18:28

hmm

tinselface Mon 24-Apr-17 12:19:23

I think you've been too heavy handed here OP. I understand your concerns about her safety but your DD needs to know that she can talk to you about anything. Keeping secrets is what gets teenagers into trouble. Your reaction to what you have found out will only push her further away. You can't lock her up until she's 16 (as much as you'd like to!) and you can't realistically keep her off the Internet full stop.

In your position, I would be apologising for my overreaction and for damaging her phone (get it fixed!) I would sit her down, tell her that I love her and reassure her that she can tell me anything. If it's a female she is talking explicitly to, she may be struggling to come to terms with her sexuality and needs your love and support at this time, not your anger.

As much as I love my DM, she was prone to going off on one if she wasn't happy about something which made me feel very isolated as a teenager as I daren't tell her anything. I've vowed to be different with my own DD, I'll make sure she knows I'm here for her no matter how 'bad' she perceives the issue to be.

You need to work on your relationship with your DD. Shouting, throwing stuff and going mad at her is only going to push her further away and potentially put her in harms way.

JennyOnAPlate Mon 24-Apr-17 12:19:43

If this is true, your reaction was utterly ridiculous and over the top.

icanteven Mon 24-Apr-17 12:20:42

I think you know you handled it badly, so what happens next is about damage control.

What your daughter did was very stupid and irresponsible. To then SLAP you was completely and utterly beyond the pale (unless you are a generally quite slappy household??).

You are completely within your rights to remove her devices for a fixed period (two weeks?) and then insist on supervision until she is 16. Inciting a child to post sexually explicit content is against the TOS of most if not all social media platforms for a reason, and your daughter evidently needs to be re-educated on this until you are 100% satisfied that she gets that she has been exploited and groomed.

However, you also behaved like a child by smashing her belongings (and belongings that you presumably paid for in the first place!!). You need to replace the broken phone (when her ban period is up) and acknowledge to her that you were in the wrong for breaking it. You also need to discuss the fact that her slapping you was an intolerable response on her part and that there are separate consequences for that (allowance withdrawal for two weeks?).

Beyond that, I would not dig yourself in any deeper. By losing control, you destabilised your position of authority over her and you need to fix that thoughtfully and carefully, but without backing down on the (reasonable) consequences for her bad behaviour.

MarcelineTVQ Mon 24-Apr-17 12:21:16

Also If she does not have access to the internet her feelings won't miraculously disappear, if anything it will push her to act in real life?

ThatsNotMyMummy Mon 24-Apr-17 12:23:15

I would be sitting her down and watch the breck bednar documentary. Don't push her to these people, talk to her. In her eyes these are her friends not strangers

mummyofmoomoos Mon 24-Apr-17 12:24:48

Not a troll, very over protective parent- will admit to that. Shes my girl , my first born and was never the secretive or sneaky type. She was open with me about her sexuality- not a problem, love is still love regardless, iv obviously handled this wrong, so how can i fix it?

Janeinthemiddle Mon 24-Apr-17 12:27:20

First step is to sit down with her and apologise and admit to her of your over reaction.

IloveBanff Mon 24-Apr-17 12:27:28

MarcelineTVQ Mon 24-Apr-17 12:10:42 "hmm Talking to strangers on the internet..what are you doing now?"

Surely the big difference is that these were "x-rated messages". That is why the OP is so horrified and reacted as she did.

CainDinglesLeatherJacket Mon 24-Apr-17 12:30:59

If this is the way you react to things, then chances are that when she is old enough, she will leave your house and not talk to you again.

You need to start the damage control NOW - invading her privacy, smashing her devices and not letting her out of the house is not a healthy way for a parent to deal with any situation.

KC225 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:31:32

Gosh. I am assuming this happened over the weekend. You wouldn't be posting on here if you were having second thoughts about your actions. How are things this morning.

We are all worried about our children and Internet contact by strangers. She may be 15 but she can still be manipulated by who knows what on the other side of the world. Who knows if it is really a woman.

You should sit her down and apologise for damaging her phone, ask her to apologise for slapping you. Try to come to an understanding where you will repair her phone if you can trust her.

Explain how hurt and worried you are about messaging strangers in such an intimate way. Give her the opportunity to talk. You start your post saying how she is a good kid, tell her that.

You both need to start rebuilding trust. Easy to say given the messages from strangers and the sneaking about.

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 24-Apr-17 12:32:07

You need to give her some space, both of you need to calm down. Then apologise for your over reaction. Say that you understand she's growing up. However, the reason you became so upset is because any internet conversations can be very dangerous. They could use words or pictures against her, or coheres her into dangerous situations. Plenty of examples around, sex and the internet do not mix!

I might say 'I'm disappointed you didn't show much common sense in this, you're a smart and mature young woman and I expected better'. I might switch off the internet for a week as punishment for lying.

MarcelineTheVampire Mon 24-Apr-17 12:33:37

Mummy I think you need to apologise for over reacting but state your concerns.

I think your concerns are completely valid and as another OP said show the Breck documentary- she may be being groomed and you need to protect her. However, your response is paramount - she is the child and you are the adult, you need to keep calm because she will have an overly emotional response. I think banning her from devices is fair until you know that she is safe.

You also need to address the slap- that isn't right on any level. I mean, your response was also aggressive but she needs to know she can't physically attack you.

You need to have open and honest communication - sit down and let her talk to you about how she feels and then you can respond calmly with your concerns.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 24-Apr-17 12:35:21

Op I don't blame you, very worrying. How does she know that this female is who she is, and how old she is. Grooming springs to mind. I could get her devices and disconnect the internet. Phone NSPCC or 111 for advice as to what to do.

Yes we are strangers on the internet, but we are adults, we are talking about a child here, having inappropriate communication with someone.

Cammysmoma Mon 24-Apr-17 12:39:14

Your reaction was over the top but at the same time as well your daughters safety is clearly important to you. I think personally I would sit her down and have a nice chat with her, I always found as a child I'd talk to my parents more openly if they spoke to me like a person, rather than just shout at me. You won't get the answers you won't by flying off the handle.. this will just make her rebel against you.

Although sexually explicit content being sent via messages to a stranger from a child is inappropriate. The stranger could be an older man or woman posing as a young child.

tinselface Mon 24-Apr-17 12:39:14

I think you need to think very carefully about what you are going to say to your DD and how you are going to move forward from this.

I agree there should be some punishment for her hitting you. As I said previously, I think you need to apologise for the way you reacted. You need to talk calmly and clearly about the dangers of talking to strangers on the internet. Perhaps show her this video from Leicester Police about the devastatingly sad case of Kayleigh Haywood (this was shown recently to students in a local school to me as part of internet safety awareness - TRIGGER WARNING it is very upsetting but gets the point across very well).

https://leics.police.uk/categories/kayleighs-love-story-film

mummyofmoomoos Mon 24-Apr-17 12:42:09

Thank you, theres still hope then- happened on friday and yes i need to apologise to her for my over reactions. I hav'nt dealt with anything like this before- she truely is a good kid, i was shocked and scared. Thank you for the sound advice, i have a bridge to rebuild when she gets in from school. Reading my post back, it looks like i turned into my DM- not brilliant, it was assumed that you had done whatever it was before you had even done it sad not nice. When i packed her lunch this morning i stuck googlie eyes on her fruit and made her favourite wrap, hoping she will forgive her old mother x

EdmundCleverClogs Mon 24-Apr-17 12:42:09

The messages - did they include pictures of her, or similar? She might have reacted badly because she's scared whoever she's talking to have such things and may use them against her. You need to carefully ask if anything inappropriate happened, she may have been subject to grooming. Not being straight as a teen is a difficult thing, she may not have anyone in real life who understands. Easy to turn to the internet then, and be taken advantage of.

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