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AIBU to expect more support from DH re money probs

(49 Posts)
tigercub50 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:47:31

Money is a big issue for a lot of couples. My DH is self - employed & the nature of his job means he doesn't always have a regular income. Unfortunately we have had to borrow a great deal of money from my parents & we have loans too. I have always tried to be positive & upbeat & would never criticise him ( the only thing I have done recently is to suggest looking through the finances to see if we can make any savings anywhere). It has been a big bone of contention that I don't have a job. I worked part time last summer & it was good for my self esteem as well as for not having to ask my DH for money. Before I got this job, he used to always bring it up in arguments that I wasn't contributing. As I have said in various posts, we are working through some problems & he had stopped doing that as it really upset me. However, things are very tight again & he said that the main issue is that we only have one income. He didn't say it nastily like before or in an argument but I could do without hearing it. I asked him to be more supportive but he replied that he didn't really know what to say. He knows I am jobhunting & trying my best. If the situation was reversed, I would try not to state the obvious! Maybe I am being too sensitive? It's a big male pride thing too & understandably he hates having to ask my folks to bail us out. Again as I have previously posted, our relationship is improving all the time but I need to feel we are together on this

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 11:50:20

You don't say why you've been out of work for almost a year?

Do you have children?

HelenaWay Mon 24-Apr-17 11:52:26

Why aren't you working?

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 11:52:28

I meant to add, not wanting to ask your inlaws to bail you out, is not a 'big male pride thing'.

It's an adult thing really.

TwitterQueen1 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:53:14

Is there a reason why you are not working? If things are desperate there are usually casual jobs around - you can sign on at a temp agency and then pick your times / days.

ShotsFired Mon 24-Apr-17 11:53:36

Notwithstanding the query on why you have not been working also, this -

My DH is self - employed & the nature of his job means he doesn't always have a regular income.

Is this irregular income even enough to provide for the family at the lowest, most infrequent levels? Because if its not, your husband needs to think about getting a job that will before bitching at you about your contributions as well.

VimFuego101 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:56:03

Do you have children? What kind of jobs are you applying for in relation to your qualifications? Just wondering if you need to expand your job search a bit since you've been searching for a year now.

It also sounds like your husband may need to look for full time employment since his business doesn't seem to be going well.

tigercub50 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:11:22

We have one DD ( she's 8). We live in an area where there are not a huge amount of jobs so when you apply, you are up against hundreds of others. My DH was saying the other day that he might have to rethink what he does, although the business can do very well. His earnings, irregular or not, would be ok if it wasn't for having to pay off our debts. My folks have said not to pay it back if it's causing more problems, although my DH pays some back when he can. I wouldn't say he was bitching but I don't really need reminding that he is the sole breadwinner.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 12:19:19

It's quite hard to say whether YABU or not really.

If you are honestly looking for jobs every single day and you've done all you can to improve your chances of getting work, then I'd say YANBU.

But only you and your DH know if that's the case.

What happened to the job last Summer?

millsbynight Mon 24-Apr-17 12:21:41

Tigercub I'm in the exact same position as you! When DH making lots of money everything is fine and we're happy but for the last year/two years or so he's been making a LOT less money and things are really tight and he lashes out at me that he has to pay for everything and he provides a roof over everyone's head and feeds everyone. When the times are good he'll say "I don't want you to work, I love you being a SAHM" but when times are bad everything is my fault because I don't bring in a second income.

londonrach Mon 24-Apr-17 12:25:34

Op...theres always work you just have to look every single day approach shops, supermarkets, offices, companies. Tbh if you need the money you work. Something will turn up but its a daily task looking. With an 8 year old you free ish during school times. Good luck in your search. Agree dh also needs to look at getting a paid job too rather than self employed. If he wants to keep the self employed part maybe do that one day a week, evenings etc.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 12:25:57

But the OP hasn't said how her DH feels about her being a SAHM to an 8yr old.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 12:26:18

Sorry, my last post was to mills

Pinkheart5915 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:26:58

This situation has to change you can't go on borrowing money all the time. It must be very stressful for you and your dh having irregular money and asking for hand outs for your parents

Have you done everything you can to improve chances of finding employment? How are your qualifications? Have you made sure your cv is a good one? And you job search each day? Are there no warehouse/cleaning/waitress/summer jobs where you are?

Your dh might also have to look at more stable employment as the business is so irregular. What's best for the family needs to happen and that is undoubtedly stable employment

tigercub50 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:29:15

The job last summer was temporary although unfortunately I had to leave earlier because I injured my hand. I did think the company might have contacted me for Christmas hours & again at Easter - I discovered that they were taking on but I didn't get a call so had to reapply. I will try again as this is a holiday area so they will be starting to get busy. I have a learning difficulty which does limit me slightly on what I am able to cope with but I was good at this job & praised for my outstanding people skills 🙂

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Mon 24-Apr-17 12:29:16

I think he's right that things would be a lot easier if he wasn't the sole earner. I know how difficult it is jobhunting unsuccessfully, but it is also very stressful to know that you're the only person responsible for keeping the family afloat.

Obsidian77 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:29:57

To all those asking op why she isn't working, why doesn't she just get a temp job etc, when's the last time you actually tried this?
I'm looking for work at the moment and having a very difficult time. It really isn't that easy.

tigercub50 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:30:41

A lot of summer jobs get snapped up by students but I always apply anyway

tigercub50 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:32:21

Sorry to read your post millsbynight 😞

whatisgoingon1 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:33:55

OP you need to get a job, irrespective of how hard it is .Your DH is against same odds if looking for work and shouldn't be a sole provoder.Its 21st century ..

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 12:33:58

Don't wait for them to contact you OP.

You need to be proactive.

If the students can snap up the jobs, so can you.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 12:34:46

Have you tried looking for night work/late shift work?

NapQueen Mon 24-Apr-17 12:37:18

How many jobs are you applying for a day, OP?

TempusEedjit Mon 24-Apr-17 12:40:17

Is there anywhere you could volunteer in the meantime e.g charity shop etc to show potential employers that you're keeping your people skills up to date?

ChocolateSherberts2017 Mon 24-Apr-17 12:43:04

I've copied and pasted from another thread I posted on. Visit CAB for advice on debt repayments and benefits advice.

Check out your local council and local university/college job vacancy page and look for entry level admin jobs.

Also have a look at your local schools for admin jobs as these will be term time only so you'll have the same holidays as your child.

Have a look on the mumsnet jobs page for opportunities.

Make sure you are receiving all the benefits you're entitled to such as child benefit, tax credits etc.

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