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To tell them to stay away

(143 Posts)
Madammim17 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:31:36

DS is just over 12 months old. Ex of seven years left me five months into my pregnancy and, after two months of abusive and horrible messages from his family and absolutely nothing good from him, I've not heard a thing from any of them since. DS and I have a lovely little life together, he goes to nursery while I work full time and even though money is tight, we have lots of family and friends close by so DS is absolutely surrounded by positivity and love.

This weekend I received a message from ex's mum (took me a while to realise who it was all I'd blocked and deleted all numbers so she obviously got a new one) telling me that ex has decided that he wants to meet DS and I have no right to stop him and that they all have a right to see DS. I haven't responded, but my first initial knee-jerk reaction was to type out a furious message saying who in their right mind would allow somebody who actively chose to not be involved in their child's life anywhere near them?!

Am I being unreasonable to tell them to sod the fuck off and to stay away from DS?

ImYourMama Mon 24-Apr-17 11:33:48

Is his name on your sons birth certificate? If not, I'd tell him to do one.

If he wants to see his son, he can pay for he and claim through CMS. That might put him offf!

wickerlampshade Mon 24-Apr-17 11:33:49

Is he on birth certificate? I'd not I'd be inclined to ignore.

Madammim17 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:35:19

Sorry, I should have said about that! confused No he isn't on the birth certificate and I've never received or asked for any money from him.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 24-Apr-17 11:35:33

Tell her all communication will be through solicitors only. .
And block..
Then move on.
Doubt you will ever hear from any of them. .

ThisisMrsNicolaHicklin Mon 24-Apr-17 11:35:48

Is your ex on the birth certificate? If not your ex MIL can whistle for it.

5OBalesofHay Mon 24-Apr-17 11:36:33

You are not unreasonable to feel like doing it but you probably will have to sort contact with your child's father.

I would ignore messages from anyone but him though and see whether he bothers to pursue contact himself.

peachgreen Mon 24-Apr-17 11:37:23

While I can totally understand the temptation to ignore it, you have to also consider how your son might feel when he's older, if he knows that his dad wanted to see him and you wouldn't let him. Of course the situation isn't that black and white, and I can understand why you must feel it would be in your son's best interests NOT to see his dad (and anyone from his vile family) but he might not see it that way.

Personally I would say that he can see him once he starts paying child support - including the back payments. That might well be enough to put him off and then it won't have been your decision.

Pinkheart5915 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:43:02

While your not unreasonable to be angry, A child does have a right to know both parents and if his father really wants to see him some arrangement will need to be made. One day your child will be an adult and you can say you were the bigger person and didn't stop anything.

You could tell them to go via solicitors
You could agree to 1 meet with the father only in a public play park or soft play and see how it goes after that
You can also ignore if you wish

Madammim17 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:43:08

That was one of the things that ex's mum said in the message; that I'd be a bad mother if I went against them and that DS would hate me for it.

I've never had any intention of lying to my son about his dad, obviously keeping it age appropriate, but I just don't see what good can come from this. He hasn't cared for the whole first year of DS's life, that can't just be ignored or forgotten.

WorraLiberty Mon 24-Apr-17 11:45:25

I would be tempted to ignore on the basis that if he wants to see his child, he'll inform you himself rather than his mum doing it.

It's quite possible he still wants nothing to do with the baby, but she does.

If you do reply, my advice is to imagine a judge is reading every single text and ask yourself if you're coming across as reasonable, just on the tiny off chance you are taken to court.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 24-Apr-17 11:48:45

Unless you are prepared to hand over your baby to strangers at this time - which they are - and a flakey ex at best. . I would say let them take you to court. .
If he is serious about stepping up then he will be offering you financial support ASAP and will go and seek legal advice. If he isn't serious is he df material anyway?! One stable solid parent is all your ds needs right now. . Years down the line at ds request you can rethink. .

juliascurr Mon 24-Apr-17 11:48:47

rightsofwomen.org.uk/
good luck

lotusbomb Mon 24-Apr-17 11:49:16

Do not deal with them directly. Go through a solicitor.
My daughters father has been absent for the majority of her life. When he got in touch last year wanting to see her, I allowed it graciously thinking it was what was best for her. He was consistent for a couple of months and then disappeared again when he realised I was in a relationship (with respect, we had broken up 5 years previously confused ). Being absent as a default was one thing, but now having to deal with a confused 5 year old that was over the moon the be able to finally have a Dad and now doesn't understand why he's deserted her is a special kind of heart breaking.
I appreciate your situation is little different, your DS is younger for a start, that issue of consistency remains the same and is huge. I would want evidence and to see some effort that his father wanted to be in his life consistently, not some arsey message from his mother. You cut them off for a reason, you are not obligated to allow that level of stress back into your life. If they want contact, they will agree to go through the courts amicably. If they push back, you already know what you're dealing with from the outset.

Stormwhale Mon 24-Apr-17 11:49:42

I would state that due to the often abusive nature of their contact with you any contact arrangements will be made in court. Clearly write that you want them to stop contacting you, and any further contact that is not through a solicitor will be classed as harassment and reported to the police. He will then have to fund the court case, which may well put him off.

HappyLabrador Mon 24-Apr-17 11:49:49

I think Worra makes a good point. It may be that he doesn't even know his mother has contacted you.

I would probably ignore to be honest. If he's desperate to see your son, he can contact you himself.

Have you kept all the horrid messages they sent you when you were pregnant?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 24-Apr-17 11:51:49

I don't think I'd respond to her. He should be asking himself. You haven't identified any reason contact would be prevented legally, but the lack of commitment is a concern.

I'd be tempted to have a go at calculating how much child maintenance he's failed to pay. That might put him off (although no judge will ever approach it on a pay per view basis).

SaucyJack Mon 24-Apr-17 11:53:58

I think you need to look at the time frame in the grander scheme of things.

A year out of your son's life is obviously a long time when your son is only one, but imagine 10, 20, 30 years down the line. Would you rather they were able to build a relationship from now, or are you happy to explain to your son when he's older that you chose to block contact for the next X minus my 1 years because your ex chose not to bother for the first year?

Basically, two wrongs don't make a right. Bitterness helps nobody.

Pinkheart5915 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:56:58

It has to be about the child, what's best for the child. That is all that matters here

If the father isn't that interested give him enough rope and he'll hang himself anyway won't he? Personally I wouldn't ignore I would arrange 1 meet in a soft play, 1 chance IF the father turned up I would see what I thought after about the way he and the child were with each other and go from there. Then once grown up you can tell your child your tried, you wasn't petty and stopped nothing

You were with him for 7 years which is a fair amount of time and got pregnant with him so the relationship was mostly good???

WizzardHat Mon 24-Apr-17 11:58:21

I think if he wanted to see your son he'd contact you himself, not get his mum to sort it. And agree with pp that he'd want to pay something towards maintenance.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Apr-17 11:58:22

if your ex wants to see his child why isn't he contacting you? if it's his mum who wants to see her dgc, she should be up front about it and not lie.

i'd ignore.

HouseworkIsASin10 Mon 24-Apr-17 11:58:26

I would have said let them have supervised contact for an hour or so. You don't want to have to explain to your son when he's older that you blocked contact.

But the bitch mother was sending you abusive emails so I would basically ignore. Let the ex get in touch and grovel.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 24-Apr-17 12:00:36

Another one saying just ignore and if he's bothered he'll be in touch himself.

Nothing wrong with writing down exactly what you'd like to say, really let rip, and then don't send it. It'll get it out of your head and they've treated you horribly so might be cathartic.

But this woman is nothing to do with you or your child anymore so leave her to it and hope she gets bored and doesn't contact you again.

expatinscotland Mon 24-Apr-17 12:01:15

I would ignore her. He can contact you himself. And FWIW, I'd tell him to go to court, he's not on the birth certificate because he's an abusive arsehole, you son's better off without such a creep in his life.

NoFucksImAQueen Mon 24-Apr-17 12:01:24

Ugh his mums a cheeky bitch isn't she! No contact for all that time then a demanding message being rude and bossy.

If ex gets in touch with you I'd draw up a proper contact so he has set hours and it's consistent for your Ds. As far as his mother goes, ignore her message.

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