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Facebook uproar about general request to respect privacy re fertility/ child loss issue

(49 Posts)
AlpacaPark Mon 24-Apr-17 09:05:40

Sorry, not great title, but tried to make it clear!

I've just seen a post on my local FB group, where a mum ask other parents to think before asking if she has more kids, when, why, why not... Fertility issues, baby loss, upset parent...not an unusual topic, comes frequently on here too.

But good grief the replies! From throwing toys out of the pram: "well, I am never going to speak to anyone and be friendly ever again"
to the plain vicious "you have to be stupid to dictate what people can talk about", "the world doesn't stop because you've lost a baby" I am lost for words.

Bear in mind it's a local group! It's not remotely anonymous, it's not a big community either, there's no trolling on there. We can all say the wrong thing unwillingly, but to be that nasty? I don't remember seeing things that bad on here for example, is is just me or is this shocking?

ElFanjo Mon 24-Apr-17 09:12:40

For some people, their right to be nosy and tactless outweighs other people's right to privacy and sensitivity.

I have secondary infertility, and it's amazing how many people have asked some fairly invasive questions about when we're having number 2, better get a move on, lonely only etc. I have found it difficult to deal with at times, but I can't imagine how awful it must be if you've lost a baby.

BounceBounceSplishSplash Mon 24-Apr-17 09:17:53

Even if it's not anonymous, sitting behind a keyboard seems to bring out a vile nasty streak in some people. The poor woman who posted.

ZilphasHatpin Mon 24-Apr-17 09:22:31

Ugh! What horrible people! I'd be making note of those names and being very cautious about what I share in future.

NeverTwerkNaked Mon 24-Apr-17 09:24:10

What awful people.
I hope people are stepping in to defend her / explain to them why they are being awful?

AgathaMystery Mon 24-Apr-17 09:28:06

Why are people so bloody mean?!

I also think some people ask the questions about 'any plans for a baby?' Or 'not having another one then?' as small talk/something to say.

Unfortunately after 5 years I've had my fill of it and now I just look people in the eye and say '^Things went badly wrong and I can't have another child^'. This shuts most people down. Most. I had to add the badly wrong bit (which is the truth) as some people are tenacious.

I wish uteruses weren't fair game for idle chit chat. But I know people usually aren't being deliberately mean.

AlpacaPark Mon 24-Apr-17 09:32:33

I am absolutely amazed by some of the replies frankly!

It's probably one of the huns who pride themselves in "telling like it is" (so they think), but I am reading the thread with an open mouth. And you think that AIBU can be a violent place...

yourcarisnotadiscovery Mon 24-Apr-17 09:35:51

Yes there are some vile people. Poor woman. To have posted that message must mean she is somewhere near the edge and the pain of having to answer those questions is too much to bear. It is hard - but I agree that some just say it for chit-chat and would be mortified if they had hurt someone's feelings. I tend not to get asked now as I am so

TestingTestingWonTooFree Mon 24-Apr-17 09:36:24

Some people are just not receptive to hearing /learning that they're wrong and it makes them very hostile. Arseholes.

Buddah101 Mon 24-Apr-17 09:36:27

I too have secondary infertility and You honstly wouldnt believe the amount of times i've been asked when Im having another etc. It's just relentless.

The worst came from my own aunty at the weekend after I mentioned we'd booked a holiday to take ds to eurodisney - "Yeah but at his age he will want to be with a little friend, I really wouldn't bother taking him anywhere unless he has a little brother or sister to go with, he won't enjoy it, he's probably lonely as he is... and so on. I ended up telling her about my 5 previous Mc's and now had been diagnosed with 2nd infertility. Shut her right up, I hadnt actually wanted all of my family to know but its much better than the rounds of questions we are constantly asked.

I have a friend who is struggling to conceive at all and Im so grateful for RL support that we can compare stupid questions we've both been asked!

Goldenhandshake Mon 24-Apr-17 09:37:00

Ugh Alpaca, is it just me, or does every person who 'tells it like it is', just come across as a rude, opinionated prat? I know a few people who pride themselves on telling it like it is, it really is just code for being rude and thoughtless.

AlpacaPark Mon 24-Apr-17 09:44:45

Goldenhandshake It's not just you, it seems to be a free card for nastiness.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 24-Apr-17 09:46:05

Buddah flowers

OP, some people are complete thoughtless wankers, some are intentionally cruel and dismissive of anything they haven't experienced.

All you can do when you see it is call it out so at least the person being attacked knows they're not the one in the wrong!

TheFirstMrsDV Mon 24-Apr-17 09:48:28

I am not trying to compare the issue in the op with my example but it might illustrate how stupid people in local groups can be.
Someone posted in a dog group that she was frustrated that people kept lurching at her dog to 'say hello' and it made her nervous because dog was a rescue etc.
Cue a flurry of outraged posts 'I will say hello to any dog I want to thank you very much!!!!' 'how stupid your an idiot I luv dogs and if I want to say hi I will lol x' (why do they put a x after being so rude?)
One person tagged friends in 'look at this xxxx and kkkk omg how stupid!!!!!'
The person who did that ran a local dog grooming service so was pissing off hundreds of potential customers fgs.

People don't think. They react as if they were on their doorsteps bitching with their mates. They can't grasp that their words do not disappear into the wind.
In short, they are dickheads who love a bit of drama.

AlpacaPark Mon 24-Apr-17 09:53:01

Buddah101 It's awful! flowers

I am catching up on yesterday's debate, there are some crakers.

I understand we can all upset someone without meaning to, but some of the reactions are something else. Blimey!

FairytalesAreBullshit Mon 24-Apr-17 09:56:53

It depends on how people are locally. To some if a close community, they would feel like they almost have a right to know the ins and outs of every persons life. Somewhat macabre but liken it to those who read the death announcements or check the newspaper for people who have gone bankrupt.

People can be nosey, this woman has expressed an opinion that obviously had targets. The over reaction was, well I just won't speak to you again, that's easier.

Personally having gone through fertility stuff and losses, I didn't mind people knowing, it wasn't a big deal for me. It stopped them in their tracks that's for sure.

The one time I got grotty was when whilst in hospital before DD, DS came to visit, a female loudmouth started asking the ins and outs of why he was an only child, was I selfishly depriving him of siblings. Being on a ward with 5 other women, 4 of whom were a lot older, I felt they didn't want nor need to know the ins and outs of my gynae issues.

So whilst an OTT response from some, they may feel like, why is this suddenly an issue. Is it that hard to say having a few issues.

NewDOOFUSfor17 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:09:52

A bit of a different situation but I have only 1 dc. This is by choice firstly because there is no way on this earth we could afford another and secondly ds is 5 and still wakes several times a night meaning I spend my life in a perma-fog and could not imagine adding another non sleeping child to the mix.

I have had to endure years of "when are you having another?", "isn't he lonely?", "every child is different, the next one will probably sleep", "you will be able to afford it, you just get on with it"'s relentless. I now deal with the question with very well acted mock horror and people now never ask twice!!

Imo though, and I'm not defending the posters who have said awful things, Facebook is probably not the best platform for making a bold statement about a highly emotive issue. Facebook is fast becoming a free for all for people to be as spiteful as they can because they don't know you but the people that matter are far more respectful and understanding of the struggles you have faced so keep unwanted opinions to themselves.

FairNotFair Mon 24-Apr-17 10:10:43

is it just me, or does every person who 'tells it like it is', just come across as a rude, opinionated prat?

Not just that... people who "tell it like it is" are invariably super-thin-skinned and ridiculously easy to offend.

This makes them relatively easy to avoid over time grin

AlpacaPark Mon 24-Apr-17 10:15:15

you are right, that might be the reason Fairytales

As someone else said, why does anyone need to know people very private business. At least we know who to avoid at the school gates I suppose!

BaggyCheeks Mon 24-Apr-17 10:21:16

People who brag about how they just "tell it like it is hun x" always come across as a bit thick, IMO and not very social media savvy if they don't realise how those sort of posts/comments come across.

It is handy though because it saves the hassle of getting to know someone before deciding whether to avoid them or not wink

NataliaOsipova Mon 24-Apr-17 10:27:20

In my experience, some people are incredibly nosey and insensitive and others are massively over sensitive and take everything as a personal slight or dig at them. (Sometimes these people are also one and the same and are unbelievably annoying, but I digress!). It's a fine line, really. Asking someone if they have another child is, at least in my opinion, a perfectly reasonable and socially acceptable question in the course of normal chit chat. BUT - and it's a big but - if the answer back is "no", then it is not acceptable to pursue it any further. At all. If the person you have asks gives more information, then you respond sympathetically but cautiously. So both sides have a point. You can't limit normal conversation and you can't expect people to consider 100 different scenarios before asking a seemingly innocuous question. But you can expect people to have a bit of tact and not to pry into personal details or offer their own unsolicited opinions.

Maudlinmaud Mon 24-Apr-17 10:31:54

I could have written your post MrsDV have seen comments like that so many times. Our local police page is a hoot for people tagging others in suspected crime posts... idiots. I feel for this lady though.

jojo2916 Mon 24-Apr-17 10:50:13

Lots of comments can unknowingly cause offense the most innocent of questions could cut someone like a knife depending on circumstances but I think it's unreasonable to expect society from asking fairly standard, small-talk questions I do feel it's a bit of a centre of the universe thing and thats coming from someone who has experienced major tragedy.

Morphene Mon 24-Apr-17 10:53:29

maud seriously?? Are people tagging 'hey was this you mate?'

I wondered why the police put stuff on facebook but maybe people really are that stupid!

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 24-Apr-17 10:58:58

Oh there are nasty people on here. I'd be lying if I said otherwise, but I thinking I can confidently say. No one would ever say to a women suffering a loss because you've lost a baby. Erm, we know that. Of course it doesn't stop arse hole. It can't stop. Life goes on. It has to. We don't need insensitive idiots to tell us!!!!!!!!!!!angry
I mean there's heartless cunts, but surely comments like that are a limit for anyone.!!!!

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