Fucking football v regular commitments aibu(28 Posts)
DH is a massive football fan. The word fanatic describes him to a T. He has had a season ticket for his club, it was his and his now deceased dad's thing. His feelings are something I just don't comprehend. I didn't care about him going to the games before kids and when I was working full time. It was slightly irritating to plan around them, but I did it.
Fast forward 14 years and we now have 3 kids to plan around and I teach from home some evenings. One day a week, during term time only, I also go to an activity. I really enjoy it, and would love to do more, but we have 3 kids etc.
As anyone interested in the sodding premier league probably knows, the match schedule is always sodding changing, and makes it impossible to plan around.
I feel that when things clash during the week, especially my paid work, the regular timetable commitments come first, and that if he wants to go to these things, he has to sort out babysitters. He always throws it back saying that I am the one with the babysitting contacts (true, as I have been a sahm until starting teaching last year) and gets all huffy, saying I resent the football and I knew how passionate he was about it from the start. He also throws into the mix the cost of his season ticket and wasting money if he doesn't go. He sells the fanzine at the game, which covers the cost of his ticket, but takes him out for even longer. It's become a real bone of contention.
So tonight he's just come up and laughed, saying we're going to have an argument. He's now got a match on Wednesday, when I do my activity. I said we didn't have to harvest an argument, he could not go for a change, see if he could sell his ticket, so I can do my class. Or he could find a babysitter. He seems to think that neither of these options are possible, and we're back to the old "I resent his football" argument. The thing is, if it doesn't affect anything I don't mind him going. However, there are more and more times when it negatively affects the rest of the family, whether that's arranging holidays and social occasions around the ever changing schedule or trying to juggle the needs of our kids.
I am looking to go back to work, with a 2 hour commute either way, and therefore he's going to be the default parent as he will have a shorter working day. He's keen for me to do this, but I don't think he grasps that often I won't be home before 8 and he's just not going to be able to go.
I'm sick of arguments every time there is a clash, and I'm being made out as unreasonable, when I really don't think I am. Many people gave up their season ticket when kids came along, and just buy for the home matches they can attend. He won't even consider this.
So aibu and either way, has anyone else been in this situation and found a way forward that suits everyone
My dad follows our local team and England home and away. My mum sucked it up. I would never marry anyone like him (much as I love him). It is selfish but you can either put up or shut up. I would just go and let him sort it out.
Yanbu! I go to quite a few games but will miss games for family stuff.
I was completely with you 100% until I read '2 hour commute each way'
Is there any way to avoid this commute? Move/work from home? With three kids that's going to be a complete nightmare.
[misses point of thread]
YANBU but how about you give him the babysitting contact details so he at least has the option to arrange it. If it was me I'd just shrug and say "enjoy the match, here's the number of a few babysitters" and leave it at that. It's back in his court then.
Surely this was something you disused before you had kids? Can he not take them with him?
my DH was a season ticket holder but he gave it up when we had kids. Football used to always be on a Saturday afternoon but now it can be any time which yep does make things hard to plan. They do release the league fixtures beforehand so it's quite easy to plan with these. FA cup not so much.
If he wants to go on the football he needs to do his share of the planning and now and again be willing to give up a game.
Sorry I meant to say DH is going on more now. Are the kids not interested? he has started taking DS with him to the odd match, it's great
Why is this not something he's sharing with his DC?
Why is it only you who can organise a babysitter?
Sorry, but I don't understand either of those things.
But I'm not into football at all, so to me football committent sounds to me like manchild stamping feet. But I guess to football fans, they'd maybe understand this more?
It's not to do with football, it's just a basic family rule, surely that, if one of you wants to go out when the other isn't available (ie following the 'first on the calendar rule' which obviously means regular weekly activity), then the second one has to find someone to have the dc, or they can't go.
Of course this works the other way if you want to go somewhere on a Saturday afternoon.
Why would anyone take a job with a two hour commute? That sounds FAR more unreasonable than going to football if you have young dc, to me.
He does take 2 of the kids sometimes at a weekend (youngest a bit too small) but it's not cheap. They are too little to go to games on school nights, he doesn't get back until 11 pm usually.
Babysitters - we don't use them an awful lot, but it's usually the teenager a couple of doors down. No reason at all why he can't, but he works full time and it's "easier" for me to do it. (He's a teacher so no access to computers or mobiles during the day). However, no reason at all why he can't just pop down after work.
Commute - going to have go to into London from home counties, whatever I do. It's a half hour walk to station, then 45 minutes into a mainline station. Then I have to get to wherever I'm going (tube etc). If I'm lucky it will be 1.5 hours, but I used to go right across town, which was 2 hours door to door. Hopefully I'll be able to get something more central this time, and be able to work from home a couple of days a week, once I'm established.
We have the rule about first on the calendar for everything but football, which seems to always trump it. He agrees that it's unfair on me but is not prepared to forego a match. On the very rare occasions he has, I've been reminded of it for months afterwards, and it's constantly brought up as an example of how much he's prepared to compromise.
He agrees that it's unfair on me but is not prepared to forego a match.
So he's a selfish twat then isnt he? Sounds like you may be outearning him soon, and then the point of him will be........ oh, not much
I'm a massive football fan as is DS, but DH loathes it: so I'm a bit biased.
Sounds like the key issue is around arranging the babysitter more than you not wanting him to go. I really feel your pain over having to do all the thinking and logistics (same here) but actually wouldn't it just be easier and less angsty if you did text the teenager rather than having the row with your DH.
On the commute thing: can you cycle to the station? If you could halve the walking time that would help. I work in London a couple of days a week, usually, with a two hour each way commute but can't shorten any bit of the journey (I'd like to skip the Tube bit, but that's not going to happen).
I agree about the commute. Do not take yhat on. Is your dh going to be off all summer and you gone late into the evening when ye could be having family time.
Football is a pain but l would just get the girl down the road myself as its not worth bringing a whole bad feeling into the house. As your dc gey older he can take them all and think of all your wonderful free time. Great bonding just like he had with his dad. .
But no 2 hour commute. That way lies madness.
Jeebus, why cant you just text the babysitter and just avoid all of this?
Family of football fans here, all 3 of us are season ticket holders -Give DH the babysitter contact details and let him sort it out, it's not difficult.
2 hour commute? - You're bonkers.
Raggydolly problem is that although they release the fixtures beforehand they often get changed for TV/cup matches etc.
it must be a nightmare to organise family life around footbaĺl fixtures.
The two hour commute each way sounds epically ridiculous.
I've just finished doing something similar for a short period and it nearly killed me! I have two dcs.
Anyway, you clearly resent his hobby and I don't think you respect each other. He's not making moves to try and accommodate it - but he's right, you know the babysitters etc. So why not just give him all the details, explain what he needs to do then he can sort out logistics.
DH and I have regular social calendar check ins and agree well in advance what can and can't happen. If it changes, we have a discussion and usually come up with a solution together.
You don't like football so you don't get it! You are asking why his things trump yours but actually want your things to trump his.
The football isn't the issue it is arranging the babysitting that is in that he assumes it falls under the "wife's work" category.
Between you find a willing and able teenager that he or you can contact to babysit if required or devise a list of people that you can both access as and when a babysitter is required. It's not rocket science.
It's a ridiculous comittment and he is a selfish twat. You have offered compromises (home games only, standing committments being honored) but it's his way or nothing. He is too damn selfish to even sort out the babysitter so he can fuck off out to football.
Honestly, I couldn't be with someone who prioritised a bunch of men kicking a ball around a field over his family (and I am a football fan).
*Raggydolly problem is that although they release the fixtures beforehand they often get changed for TV/cup matches etc.
it must be a nightmare to organise family life around footbaĺl fixtures.*
Its a friggin nightmare..we recently went to a re-scheduled gig in the north thinking we could tie it in with a match on the Saturday only for them to change it for the tv. And that's before the stress that is actually trying to buY tickets
I think NUFC box office are going to be on my friends and family soon
"He always throws it back saying that I am the one with the babysitting contacts"
"Here you go DH, this is the number for the babysitter, knock yourself out"
Yanbu, he honestly sounds like a complete dick, willing to put football ahead of family.
However after 14 years it's a bit late to start moaning, you knew this when you married him and went onto have 3 kids. It's been that long, I doubt he will ever change his ways.
Fwiw, I am a football fan (love watching all sports tbh), but I only go see a game a few times of year and dh also likes football so comes with me so we generally make a family outing of it.
No advice, but empathy here. My DH is also a footie mad season ticket holder. The added complications are that we live 130 miles from his home team & said team won the league last year so we have had all the Champions' League stuff too (although they're out now).
My DH does take DS1 & sometimes DS2 with him but Ds3 is too little & they are always gone for around 6 hours leaving me to entertain preschooler Ds3 at ILs house where there are no toys.
In addition, DH also coaches Ds1's junior football club & both are gone for all of Saturday morning, every week, taking the only car, so we are limited to the village. Next season it will be every Saturday morning & every Sunday morning, so we will be unable to have weekends or even days out
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