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To have another baby if DD doesn't want me to?

(53 Posts)
gonenative Sun 23-Apr-17 21:19:53


Looking for a bit of parenting advice - am rarely stuck but not sure how to proceed with this so would really appreciate some thoughts from you all.

I have two daughters, aged 8 and soon to be 13 from my first marriage. Their dad and I split, amicably, 5 years ago and we have them 50/50.

I have been with a new partner for the last year. He is brilliant, a solid, kind, man who is great with my kids and wants to form a proper relationship with them.

We are currently living about 150 miles apart so only see each other every fortnight but the plan is for him to move in with us towards the end of this year.

I'm 40, and he's 32 ,and while he's totally up for taking on my kids, he really wants a child of his own, which is what I want to, but given my age feel like we need to get started with this sooner rather than later, so I broached the idea with the kids a month or so ago. My younger one was really excited by the idea but the older one was utterly bereft.

It's been mentioned (mostly by my younger one) a couple of times since and each time she's got really upset. She feels that she will be pushed out of the family, that she will no longer get as much attention and feels she would be jealous as this hypothetical baby would be with me all the time, whilst she and her sister would be with their dad half the time. I have tried to reassure that none of this would be the case, that my love for her won't diminish, and that she can be here whenever she wants, but she still seems so sad.

Am I selfish for wanting to make a family with my new partner?

What can I do or say to make this easier for her? Am also aware that it may not even happen and am slightly kicking myself for saying anything, but felt I needed to prepare them for the eventuality....

Please help!

Thanks in advance

PodgeBod Sun 23-Apr-17 21:26:20

It's madness to have a child with a man you've only known for a year and only see once a fortnight.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Apr-17 21:30:12

I was going to laugh and say if everyone ask their kid's permission to have more kids, there would be a lot more only children in the world grin

But on a serious note, you've only been with this guy a year so no wonder they're worried about it.

Squirmy65ghyg Sun 23-Apr-17 21:30:57

Broaching the idea with someone you've been seeing for a year is crazy. Why put the idea into your kids heads? You haven't lived together yet!

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Apr-17 21:32:00

Are they even happy about a man they've not yet formed a proper relationship with, moving into their home?

It wouldn't surprise me if that's worrying them more.

Why can't he get himself a flat/bedsit near you until the relationships are formed properly?

PumpkinPie2016 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:32:33

In all honesty, I think it might be too much too soon for your daughter.

She barely knows this man, however lovely he may be and, assuming he moves in with you will need to adjust to that.

Adding a new baby so soon will be more change and probably very unsettling for her.

I appreciate that at 40 you feel your time for another baby is limited but personally I wouldn't do it yet.

AppleOfMyEye10 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:33:10

It's only been a year, which is like 5 minutes. Also you don't even live together. Sounds like a bad decision to make op.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Sun 23-Apr-17 21:33:30

i agree with Podge you should not be even thinking about having a baby with a man you've only known for a year, when you already have 2 DC.
No wonder your dd is upset.

AppleOfMyEye10 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:34:49

He's 'great' with your kids because he isn't living with them. How do you know if this is what he is genuinely like on a full time basis. Anyone can be lovely in short bursts.

Crisscrosscranky Sun 23-Apr-17 21:35:24

I came on to post about the fact that our DD (9 at the time) was devastated (not an exaggeration!) that I was pregnant with baby 2 but that 6 months later she can't wait to be a big sister!

However, your circumstances are completely different and YWBVU for all the reasons PP have stated.

WorraLiberty Sun 23-Apr-17 21:35:52

And also OP, you refer to him as your 'partner' but he's actually your boyfriend.

Justmuddlingalong Sun 23-Apr-17 21:36:10

Try living with him, full time for a while. Then decide if a baby is on the cards. I don't think you can possibly know each other if you've only been an item for a year, and only together every fortnight at that. Madness.

Brokenbiscuit Sun 23-Apr-17 21:36:27

Am I selfish for wanting to make a family with my new partner?

I'm really sorry, but under the circumstances you describe, I think yes - it would be very selfish. You've only been with this guy for a year and you barely see him. You have never lived with him, and he hasn't shared a house with your dc. It's way too soon to be rushing into having a baby with him imo. I don't blame your girls for being concerned.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Sun 23-Apr-17 21:36:34

Tbh, talking about it with your kids, when the two of you don't even live together, seems a bit too much.

DonaldStott Sun 23-Apr-17 21:36:38

I agree with him moving to your area and forming a proper relationship with your children. Considering you have only me with him what, 26 times, how much time have your girls actually spent with this bloke? And your asking them to consider their feelings towards you having a baby with what to them, is possibly no more than an acquaintance?

Or have you been on family holidays etc?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 23-Apr-17 21:36:48

once a fortnight for a year?

you have spent how long exactly IN CLOSE CONTACT with this man?

dontbesillyhenry Sun 23-Apr-17 21:37:56

My DD (11) was so appalled at having a new sibling on the way she threw her fish fingers across the kitchen.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 23-Apr-17 21:38:56

It's madness to have a child with a man you've only known for a year and only see once a fortnight.

I agree with this I'm afraid.

NapQueen Sun 23-Apr-17 21:39:40

You dont even know if you can bear living together. Find that out first.

Imknackeredzzz Sun 23-Apr-17 21:41:34

Oh come on!!!! You barely know him for gods sake!! Honestly some women

GreenPetal94 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:41:38

I'm not sure your 8 year old knows how she would feel with a new baby sibling. When it came to it whe might really enjoy it.

GlitterGlue Sun 23-Apr-17 21:44:14

No wonder they're concerned. You barely know the man.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 23-Apr-17 21:44:29

Your DD is very smart. She can see the idea of tying yourself to someone for the rest of your life (by having a baby together) based on a year of fortnightly dating is stupid.

I know the clock fells like its ticking. But listen to your smart daughter.

ErnesttheBavarian Sun 23-Apr-17 21:45:56

Also madness to plan for a baby or not depending on the whims of a 13 year old, who blow hot and cold every 2 minutes.

I wouldn't rush into having a baby either. But I wouldn't choose to have, or not to have a baby depending on one child 's wishes.

What if the 8 year old changed her mind, and decided she didn't want a sibling, and the 13 year old changed her mind and decided it would be good after all ? Would you then change your mind again?

She might well love having a baby to cuddle.

What do you mean that your partner wants to form a proper relationship with them? How well do they know each other? How often have they seen each other? How much experience does he have with them /other children?

Just read another thread from a woman who had a dd, then went on to have baby with new partner, and he is not nice to the dd now new baby is there.

Do not rush into this and be sure of his kindness towards dd's before doing anything else.

Aderyn2016 Sun 23-Apr-17 21:47:58

I wouldn't in your circumstances. Your dd thinks that you, dp and the baby would be this little unit and she and her sister would be out on the edge. You don't know your boyfriend well enough to say this wouldn't be the case. He cannot promise to love your kids, he doesn't know them! You need for him to have bonded with them properly before you bring a new baby into the mix - if you have one now and then it turns out your boyfriend obviously favours his child over yours/doesn't bond with your dc then it will be a disaster.

Under normal circumstances I would think siblings don't get a say but where there has been divorce in a family (or other traumatic loss) you, as the mum, have to put them first and handle them very sensitively.

Sadly, time isn't on your side. By the time your dp gets to know and bond with your dds it may be too late for you to get pg. If he is desperate to be a dad, then this could be a dealbreaker for him so in your position I would be seeing if he sees a future with you if there are no babies.

Sorry OP. It's not a great position to be in, but I think you have to put your girls first and not take risks with their happiness.

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