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Anyone else always the fucking bad cop?

(24 Posts)
PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 19:25:05

I am so sick and tired of always being the one to tell the DC off - DH is just oblivious. The constant repeating myself 'put your shoes on x 100' until I inevitably shout and then suddenly I'm the problem for shouting at them!

I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that being ignored unless I am completely bollocking them is affecting my mental health.

I am trying to follow through on threats - removing toys etc - but DH does puppy eyes at them/me and it is apparent that he doesn't support it. It is unbelievable and I am so sick of it, it makes me feel like I am always at the end of my tether. Anyone else live with a good cop and is tired of being the bad cop?

annandale Sun 23-Apr-17 19:32:18

I've often found myself in this role. Not fun. I do embrace it to some extent - often tell ds it's my job to be mean etc. Can be tricky as dh gets really stressed if there is any conflict in the house, often just fake conflict as in me and ds bantering a bit, dh tries to intervene to sort it out and we are both a bit confused

Have you talked to dh about having a joint approach, including specific examples? Have you considered doing a parenting course together? - I have had people say that going out to the course is a chance to discuss things, just like I've heard people say that the most useful thing about couples counselling is the discussion in the car afterwards.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 19:35:45

Annandale, I haven't even thought about a course. I just need him to step up a bit - he wants everything to be rosy all the time but the kids need to learn to do as we say. It is embarrassing how little they listen to us.

OfficerVanHalen Sun 23-Apr-17 19:38:58

Me.

We are on the verge of separation (over various issues) and i cannot wait. It's got to the point where spending time together as a family is a right fucking ballache, i have a much nicer time with dc on my own. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he hasn't got me to be his enforcer.

Obviously, it's an extreme example but imo this is just shitty behaviour, it's letting one parent carry the burden of all the crap bits of parenting, and ime if a person is selfish and disrespectful enough to do this wrt to one aspect of family life, they are selfish and disrespectful in other ways too.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 19:47:24

Officer, I'm sorry to hear you are potentially separating. But I can see how it comes to that. I also enjoy time with the DC on my own more than I do when DH is there - I make my expectations clear and they know I will follow through. It is like a free for all when DH is around. He does it all under the guise that he just wants everyone to get along but I actually find it quite lazy.

annandale Sun 23-Apr-17 19:48:50

Maybe tell him in front of them? so 'OK Daddy, how long do you think until the shoes go on? Up to you, do you think ten minutes or five?' Make him be the one to give the five minute warning that way. Then at the shoe on point, touch your children on the shoulder (something I was told here and it worked really well) and say 'Right, Daddy's time to put shoes on'. If no response, turn to him and say 'These kids aren't listening to you Dad and I'm not happy about that...' etc.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 19:53:59

annandale, thank you but that sounds bloody exhausting. Sometimes I just leave the three of them to it and take myself off upstairs because I cannot be arsed with the role I have been assigned. I bore myself and I find the constant repetition of requests draining.

newdaddie Sun 23-Apr-17 19:56:03

Ooooh dw and I are the opposite (at least for now.) We're new parents and dd is my dw's mini me while I'm desperately trying not to let us spoil her. Even though she is literally the cutest dd in the world.

snotato Sun 23-Apr-17 19:56:11

I'm sick and tired of being the bad cop!it's always me who tells the children off!

annandale Sun 23-Apr-17 19:58:22

grin Fair enough. I repeat the thing about touching them on the shoulder before making the first request though, it was pretty effective.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 19:59:07

newdaddie, if yours is still a baby you probably aren't facing these issues just yet. Hopefully you and DW will be united when you do.

SparklyUnicornPoo Sun 23-Apr-17 20:00:47

I was, then I completely lost my temper, told DH he could start backing me up or fuck off, we had a massive row, he stomped off and called his Dad, who I gather explained to him why we need to work together and he has in all fairness bucked his ideas up, although does occasionally need a 'DD isn't listening to me at all' to remind him to step in.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:01:18

Annandale, I will definitely try the touching thing, I do ask them to acknowledge that I have spoken to them - DS often doesn't even miss a beat when I ask him to do something.

And I'm trying not to be difficult but the touching thing it isn't always possible - think DD upstairs supposedly getting dressed, I call up to chivvy her along and then discover she is still in her PJs ten minutes later!

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:02:12

snotato, perhaps we could co-parent together? I think we would enjoy our DC more then!

DeadGood Sun 23-Apr-17 20:03:47

"Sometimes I just leave the three of them to it and take myself off upstairs"

I would start doing this sort of thing whenever he is around, and explain to him beforehand why you are doing it.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:06:59

DeadGood, is probably isn't good that I encouraged him to go on a long run this afternoon because I knew it would be more relaxing being by myself with them is it? But the more I'm thinking about this, the more irritated I am getting.

When we go out for big group meals, it is always me reminding them to use their cutlery, sit at the table, not get in the way of the waiting staff etc while he just has a jolly time. I come back frazzled and he comes back thinking the socialising has been fun! He would say because the stuff I tell them isn't important.

newdaddie Sun 23-Apr-17 20:12:59

Thanks OP I hope so too

AlwaysDancing1234 Sun 23-Apr-17 20:15:14

God yes I totally get this! I'm always the one telling DC to wash, dress, bath, do homework, tidy up etc when DH is all 'fun times'. Drives me fucking loopy. If I limit screen time for example he just lets them have the screens as soon as I'm at work angry

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:18:48

How old are they?

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:25:25

9, 6 and 43.

PenelopeChipShop Sun 23-Apr-17 20:30:06

A lot of this is soundimf very familiar. This probably sounds a bit mean but I have nicknamed DH 'Disney dad' (in my head only!) if there's a rollercoaster to go on or chocolate to buy them or an instagram worthy picture he's there, but make them do homework, change dirty nappy, cook dinner, clean it up, or yes, shock horror - discipline them - nowhere to be seen. It's so tiring.

I had a big argument with my ds after his swimming lesson today bc I wouldn't buy him a snack at 5pm when we were literally going to eat dinner as soon as we'd got home. Of course, DH apparently takes him to the cafe for chocolate apparently (making them late for dinner when I'm at home making it, gggrrrrr).

I think it's because he works long hours and just wants a short cut to his affection

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 20:37:51

Penelope, I think the hours we work have something to do with it too. We both work FT so I think DH just wants our time to be 'nice'. But it effectively means the time isn't nice for me. He is good in so much that he won't go against 'my' rules about snacks, tablets etc. But we all bloody know who is the bad cop in the house for not allowing x 100 portions of sweets etc.

OfficerVanHalen Sun 23-Apr-17 21:26:45

Thanks Pippa. I'm sorry you have this too, and sorry for the merailment. Like i say i don't have any easy answers unfortunately. It's one of those things that sounds like not that big a deal, and people don't really get iyswim, but it is knackering and frustrating. I feel like screaming OMG GET A FRIEND YOU FUCKING SADDO at my dh sometimes, it really is pathetic. He does stuff like has let our 7yo play 18 rated computer games (but not for very long! And with the sound off! So he couldn't hear any swearing! So that's ok lol!) or, i came downstairs the other evening and he was showing them a clip from Total Recall (but not a really bad one! Haha lol), he knows I don't like this stuff and find it completely unnecessary, but i just get handwaved at and ignored if i bring it up. Oh well, he can enjoy getting divorced for the second time instead, i guess. Lol.

PippaFawcett Sun 23-Apr-17 21:34:44

Officer, ffs that is shit. I'm sure there is a trend these days with all of us to extent aiming to be our children's friends instead of their parents but there needs to be boundaries and a hierarchy. I actually think having rules for the children offers a sense of security for everyone because we all know where we stand. Mine just don't think we are ever serious when we tell them off and I have had enough.

Good luck with your divorce, if and possibly when, it happens.

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