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To ask what constitutes cheating

(21 Posts)
GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 18:29:18

As the title says. For you is it the actually cheating or the intent/attempt? Would it be suggestive texts? Even if the person your DP didn't reply or give any indication that they were interested. Emotional affair? Meeting up but not having a sexual relationship, a kiss, having a one night stand? Or a full blown affair?

And how would you deal with these situations?

Pondering over a friends situation and looking for opinions!

Squirmy65ghyg Sun 23-Apr-17 18:30:54

All of it. Everything you've said above.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sun 23-Apr-17 18:32:42

Unreciprocated texts no. The rest of it, yes. My rule would be I wouldn't ever say anything to another man that I wouldn't be comfortable saying in front of DP and he feels the same. Anything that disrespects your relationship and commitment is cheating to us.

Fruitcocktail6 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:34:09

All of it, I was be horrified and heartbroken by flirting, suggestive texts, anything. If you're in a relationship you shouldn't have anything other than normal friendships with other people, it is pretty clear in a relationship were the line is.

Mrsmadevans Sun 23-Apr-17 18:34:56

Everything you have mentioned is cheating, personally I would go absolutely mad and insist upon no further contact. I may even go as far as divorce I think.

SailAwayWithMeHoney Sun 23-Apr-17 18:36:11

Whatever you wouldn't do in front of your partner imo. If you're doing something you feel you've gott hide, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 18:46:49

I agree with all of it! But I realise some people are different.

Situation is friend suspected intent on cheating he DP denied it. Sharif he ha never spoken to this woman She felt she couldn't trust him. They split. Her DP wanted to give things another try promising he would treat her better. She agreed to work on it, things are going very well.

However she discovered that the intent was there and her DP sent a message to a woman clearly more than a friendship intended. She did not respond. Friend knows this because she knows the OW and her situation. So basically his attempt failed. On asking her DP he said he had already told her there was a message sent. He had not. She has asked me where does she go from here?

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 18:48:56

Sorry for the drip feed blush

nancy75 Sun 23-Apr-17 18:50:02

In the situation you describe it seems the man would have liked to be unfaithful but just didn't get the chance, to me that's the same as actually doing it, I would get rid

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 19:12:43

Nancy I agree with that. However, I don't think she will. He is flat out refusing to talk about it beyond admittance. Her self esteem is low and I'm worried she will try and work through it for the sake of keeping him.

I don't trust him

Gingerbreadmam Sun 23-Apr-17 19:15:05

in my opinion anything you wouldnt do to your dp or admit to your dp.

for me that would start at any kind of contact. i am loyal and expect the same in return.

Pinkheart5915 Sun 23-Apr-17 19:22:29

People are different and For me personally cheating would be oral or full sex, either of those would be my marriage over. I think a kiss/few texts I could deal with.

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 19:26:15

I suppose it depends on the general state of the relationship and how the cheating partner acted how honest and showing active interest in reaping the damage

Meekonsandwich Sun 23-Apr-17 22:42:12

I think it depends,
If I found a flirty message from dh to a collegue/friend/stranger I can't say I'd get worked up about it.
If it went along the lines of "I want to have sex with you and I'm unhappy with my wife" or was nude pictures
I'd be a bit more pissed. but it's not cheating imo. Id still want to talk it through and work on It.
If it was a kiss/grope/sex (of any kind) then it would be over. That would be cheating for me.

I don't really think cheating in the mind is cheating, because wishing isn't doing. You can think you're a lovely person doesnt make you one. You can think about divorce or leaving doesn't mean you did it, you could even talk about it or get the paper's drawn, but it's meaningless if you realise it's a mistake and dont go through with it.

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 22:53:30

Meek I tend to agree with you. I could forgive a text I think depending on content like you say. It's his reaction to her that's making me apprehensive on what to say. He is blaming the ow for telling, and her for getting other people involved! He got ow involved. Not that she reciprocated! Basically he's gone on the defensive because he has been caught out which is a big red flag. If he was honest and held his hands up it would be easier to get past.

I really feel for her, she hoped he would go down the honestly route so they could work on it. The reality is hitting home that he's not going to do that and her self esteem is likely to hit rock bottom now

Guavaf1sh Sun 23-Apr-17 22:54:40

Sandwich speaks a lot of sense. We are all human and if an incredibly low bar was used to define cheating the word becomes meaningless and utterly unhelpful in deciding whether any relationship should continue. To say unreciprocated texts on a phone is cheating is extreme. Every single person in a relationship thinks about what it would be like to stray at some point. Whether it is acted on is the real deciding factor

GoodYarns Sun 23-Apr-17 22:55:45

The text itself could be forgiven I guess, but trust is a major game changer in a relationship. I think I'll have to be honest and tell her personally based on the reaction I wouldn't trust him.

coconuttella Sun 23-Apr-17 23:23:12

I was be horrified and heartbroken by flirting

Seems a little extreme, but perhaps depends what you mean as flirting....

gamerchick Sun 23-Apr-17 23:24:44

Doing anything with someone else you wouldn't let your OH see or know about.

PurpleMinionMummy Sun 23-Apr-17 23:42:23

For me even un-reciprocated texts would be cheating. The intent to cheat is there and they have acted on it by sending a message. The person at the other end not being interested doesn't make your partner any less guilty.

Claiming he'd told her about the message when she doesn't think he has is classic gaslighting. Cheaters do this a lot.

The fact he refuses to talk about hardly indicates he is willing to work on things.

GoodYarns Mon 24-Apr-17 00:08:48

I agree the baseline is don't do anything you wouldn't let your DH/DP see or do.

I also agree a text could be forgiven depending on content and state of relationship and willingness to regain trust. Any relationship without trust is dead in the water.

I think he's not willing to talk because he's trying to work out an explanation he thinks she will believe. Her self esteem is extremely low and he is partly responsible for this.

I hope she finds the strength to realise she's better than this and her self worth will multiply ten fold when she stops engaging with him.

He often gaslights. She has attempted to leave a few times but after a week or too he is begging her for another chance. It's so sad, she beautiful, intelligent, funny and a great friend. It's so sad seeing her being brought down like that.

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