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Should we have sneaked DM in?!

(45 Posts)
cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 13:40:08

DH is running London Marathon today so as a family we decided to make a weekend of it. It was also my DMs Birthday yesterday which was a milestone one. She had originally said she wouldn't to do her own thing so we only booked weekend after she had said this. Fast forward and she hasn't booked anything and she decides she too wants to go to London. She says she hasn't booked anywhere as she can't afford it but is happy to come for day (2.5 hour train journey each way, we live 1.5 hours train journey away from London) and could we meet up. So DH, and our 2 children with ASD went. Kids argued so much, winding each other up and fighting so DH and I had to split yesterday and do different activities. We all met back up and also met with DM and had lunch, probably not somewhere that DM would have chosen but my priority was kids. Mum seemed ok and I got restaurant to make a fuss, sparklers on dessert for example. DM was dropping hints about wanting to stay, she could go on park bench etc and that she wasn't thinking about going home.I just wasn't sure if we could sneak her into hotel which I felt was what she was expecting and also, if I'm completely honest felt that DM was gatecrashing. I felt compelled to 'give her a good time' when I was already struggling to manage kids but I kept this to myself. DM is a narc and our relationship can be difficult.We then all argued about what to do next and it culminated in DM, DH and DD going off to catch open top bus and DS and I just stood there. DS had wanted more time with me as he couldn't cope with DDs behaviour (hitting, pinching etc) and we had already had a lovely morning at one of the museums. I really enjoyed the time with him as my time is normally taken with DDs challenging behaviour. So DS and I went to Harrods which was his choice. He was also loving the tube experience too. DH etc didn't go on bus as too expensive and were trying to catch me and DS in Harrods but phone signal was rubbish so I didn't know this. DS had then had enough so went back to hotel. DH and DM are ringing and eventually we talk once signal back. Suddenly DM is catching a 6.30 train and no time to come back to hotel. She is upset at not being able to say bye. DH arrives back 1 hour later with DD. He is ok but explains he was very stressed and had to push my DM into making a decision. He was already fed up at having to split up for a second time and then the added stress of trying to work my DM out and can hold of me. It just seems a bloody disaster! I have come back home with kids today as DS still stressed from DD so unable to cheer DH on. AIBU to have not let DM stay with us? Am I being mean?!

PeaFaceMcgee Sun 23-Apr-17 13:56:40

Yanbu. She kept changing her mind repeatedly and must put up with the consequences.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 13:59:40

Thanks peaface.

YrHenGi Sun 23-Apr-17 14:00:08

YANBU, and it's not a very restful day's preparation for DH before running an actual marathon!

QueenArseClangers Sun 23-Apr-17 14:02:37

Your DM sounds rather selfish.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 14:02:55

No YrHenGi, you're right. In hindsight the whole family idea was a bad one 😨

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 14:04:14

DM also said, later on our phone call last night that she would have liked to have seen more of me??!! Yes I have wondered that queen.

NurseButtercup Sun 23-Apr-17 14:11:16

Omg no yanbu you tried your best and your mom got a nice family day out. I'm more gutted for you, your kids & dh that you didn't even get chance to cheer him on today running the London Marathon. It's so hard to train for that and actually get in. Your mum will be fine.

sadsquid Sun 23-Apr-17 14:16:33

YANBU, your mum sounds like a pain in the arse. She can't say she doesn't want to do anything with you, let you make other plans, then gatecrash and try to change things to suit herself. Birthday or no birthday, that's not on.

Renaissance2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 14:22:33

How did you husband do in the marathon?

GreenHillsSunnySkies Sun 23-Apr-17 14:27:08

Sounds like something my DM would do. Says she doesn't want to go somewhere or do something then gate crashes and makes it all about her or complains to others she wasn't really invited i.e. we took her at her word and didn't fucking beg her to come. Says oh don't make a fuss about my birthday which = make a HUGE fuss about my birthday. I don't care what we do/where we go/eat/stay = you'd better read my mind because I DO care so choose exactly what I want or I'm going to have a face like a slapped arse all day.
Sorry she spoiled your weekend, it sucks you didn't get to cheer DH on, congrats to him btw, hope he finished and did well.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 14:27:53

Hi Renaissance, he's still going bless him. Almost finished, have been tracking him on an app and he rang me when he crossed Tower Bridge. Am really proud of him.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 14:29:21

My DS also commented on her having a habit of doing this, in his words being random and gatecrashing and that she needs to plan things better.

KickAssAngel Sun 23-Apr-17 14:54:31

My gran used to be like this. It was some kind of warped thinking that nobody should ask to have a fuss made of them, because that is attention seeking. But, of course, many people secretly want a fuss, so they end up making a fuss about not wanting a fuss, and it all gets ridiculous.

Lesson learned - keep it simple for your kids, plan how to deal with your DM (e.g. do something 'big' the weekend before, keep it low key in London with the kids). Don't mix the two.

potoftea Sun 23-Apr-17 14:56:31

I feel really sorry for you as you were trying to be nice to your mother, support dh the day before his big day, deal with 2 children who had different needs to each other, and work out the best for everyone.
Your mother was out of order. She ruined your weekend and was really unfair to your family.
Having cheered my own dh on in marathons I know how nice it is to be there and I'm sorry for you both that you can't be.
I suggest you make a big fuss of him later today and a celebration dinner either today or tomorrow to show him his achievement wasn't forgotten in the drama.

VimFuego101 Sun 23-Apr-17 15:09:13

YANBU, she was being ridiculous. Was there even anywhere in the hotel room for her to sleep given that there were already 4 people in there? I'd have told her to shut up after the park bench comments.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 15:13:26

Yes Kickass, true but as DM kept changing the goalposts it was difficult to plan. Thanks potoftea. I like the celebration tea idea too.
DH has finished Marathon! Wow, what an achievement.

cheekymonk Sun 23-Apr-17 15:15:00

No Vim, there wasn't. 2 double beds so it wouldn't have been a comfortable squeeze. DS gets very anxious about dodginess and rule breaking too. Ironic too as DM likes to appear so proper!

Birdandsparrow Sun 23-Apr-17 15:20:52

Your mother sounds like a terrible drama llama martyr. Mine is similar and worse and we don't speak any more.

ItsOut Sun 23-Apr-17 15:27:49

Your DM sounds a pain but I can't see how she ruined the weekend. It wasn't anybody's fault. It was an ambitious plan with the kids and it didn't work out. It was just one of those things. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The fact your DM was upset at not saying goodbye to you and your DS is a bit silly but nit a biggie either.

DimplesToadfoot Sun 23-Apr-17 15:48:33

Its never a good idea to sneak someone into a hotel room that isn't actually booked in
Imagine there was a fire, hotel manager says to firemen/women "4 people booked in that room", they get 4 people out your mum being one of the 4, but miss your dd whose scared and hiding in the bathroom.

Well done to DH on finishing the Marathon, thats some achievement

Scaredycat3000 Sun 23-Apr-17 16:10:13

YANBU, it was 100% your Mother's manipulative fault. She certainly is a drama llama martyr. Even your DS can see straight though her, you've been trained to accept her behaviour, in FOG. My MIL is so proper, so superiorly christain, she knows she is better than everybody else, so, so, fraudulent, uses FIL's blue badge, commits hit and runs, spent most of the last 10 years of work waiting for various tribunals to end her career. She too thinks nothing of sneaking extras into hotel rooms. Don't put your family though this again, there is lots of support online, there will be lots of crying and drama from your Mum, but put your family first, because she doesn't, she never even put her family first, just herself..
And well done to your DP grin

Ethylred Sun 23-Apr-17 16:16:16

Christ, haven't you heard of paragraphs? My eyes hurt and I didn't even read that stream of logorrhoea. I'm judging you for it.

sadsquid Sun 23-Apr-17 16:23:44

Well good for you Ethylred. hmm

DoItTooJulia Sun 23-Apr-17 16:24:56

Geez Elthyl take a chill pill. Or stop taking wanker pills.

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