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To leave if they show up wwyd

(21 Posts)
Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 09:54:15

I have not horrible feeling my in laws may show up or be at relatives house when we visit them overseas soon. The problem is my relationship with Mil has hit an all time low, I have very very ill relative and she knows this and has not said one word about her. Ie how is bla so sorry to hear about it etc. She winces whenever I mention my family and always seems in a bad mood around me. Ie if her family ask me about my family which they normally do, I can already feel her displeasure radiating out at me and it Makes it hard to talk comfortably and relaxed. Fill is better but hard work in the different way and we are going to visit mils mum first and foremost as we all like her. Then we are going off to visit another place on our own. We are looking forward to a break with our dc for a few nights, we have had toughh few months, endless hospital visits etc and I feel like turning round and leaving if Mil appears. They also act as if they never see the gc inspite of seeing them loads and far more than my family!! It's happened before when they were there when we clearly assumed they wouldn't be. I don't think I could hold my tongue after latest thing with sick relative, or bear to have her in the background when her family ask me. Wwyd, slug it out or make a stand and leave! But then not sure where we could stay either at short notice!!

THirdEeye Sun 23-Apr-17 10:16:35

What makes you think that they will turn up?

Have you told them where you are going?

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 10:19:35

We are visiting mils family, they all know, and in past they turned up yes. Mil is obsessed with gc and I don't feel she will miss this opportunity to get more time with gc.

Mumzypopz Sun 23-Apr-17 10:26:59

I think you just need to bite your tongue I'm afraid. I would say act as if she isn't there, but don't think you could do that if you are staying at hers after you stay at her Mother's?! Sounds like she really wants to spend as much time as she can with the grandchildren and that's not a bad thing....Some mils don't bother....If you know talking about your family annoys her , I would be tempted to do it even more.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 10:31:11

No we are all in the UK her family is over seas we are visiting them. Mil has just had three days and nights with the dc but still acting a week later like the martyr who never sees them!! Getting fil to say as always, you know where we are if you need childcare. I know many don't bother, but I feel her behaviour is extreme.

notanurse2017 Sun 23-Apr-17 10:31:46

How is your dh dealing with his mother's behaviour?

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 10:36:28

I wouldn't say they have much of a relationship really, ie he would never go round to hang out with her. She has made that impossible. So the flow of chat is always functional, about things that are happening. She always seems to be in mood about something and verge of tears always so he can't do that much. Years ago he tried to stand up to her and she totally disregarded him and layed it all at my door. They had a huge argument once and later she told me, the fact they had this argument and dh was unpleasant was my fault. Ie not sure how he could deal with this.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 10:36:38

I wouldn't say they have much of a relationship really, ie he would never go round to hang out with her. She has made that impossible. So the flow of chat is always functional, about things that are happening. She always seems to be in mood about something and verge of tears always so he can't do that much. Years ago he tried to stand up to her and she totally disregarded him and layed it all at my door. They had a huge argument once and later she told me, the fact they had this argument and dh was unpleasant was my fault. Ie not sure how he could deal with this.

MrsOs Sun 23-Apr-17 10:37:44

I would get dh to find out what this is all about... i dont have living inlaws but i know others that do that have equally irritating mils who undermine and are actually just down right out of order. It must be emotionally draining. Id get dh to speak to her and id try and keep my distance and hope she doesnt turn up and ruin the trip.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 10:41:02

The other thing is that I have my own tricky relatives to navigate the hospital, it's all been hugely stressful etc and I like mils sister and mum I am looking forward to going. I have been under much extra pressure not sure I could cope right now with this little break turned into something else

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 23-Apr-17 10:56:46

Thing is if your dh tells her you want some time just the family without her, she sounds the type of person, who'd definitely turn up. So I think unfortunately you've go to suck it up and see. Are your dates flexible for what you do after? Could you go away and come back at the end of the holiday and 'trick' mil?

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 11:03:14

It's only four nights and two will be elsewhere. I just feel so raw a the moment I can see myself lashing out at her, esp after relative terminal illness. Not flexible at all.

Chewbecca Sun 23-Apr-17 11:08:32

Does she actually say or do anything? It sounds as if this is mostly vibes or feelings you are getting from her, which are quite difficult to moan about.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 11:17:17

Scowls, walks off, hates anyone complimenting us... Simmers... Chew I can imagine myself saying something like "I'd love to tell you about my relative but Mil might not like it, she never asks after them and seems bad tempered when they are mentioned etc.... blush I know it's childish but I feel very angry towards her.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 23-Apr-17 11:19:39

You're going to have to interact with her as little as possible than. And if you do end up telling her to eff off, would that really be such a bad thing? She will be the one overstepping the boundaries. If you do arrive, to be confronted with her I would have thought the first thing you'd say is "oh, I didn't think you'd be here. I was wanting a nice, quiet time with x and y. Never mind." Shrug and smile very sweetly. It will make you feel so much better to stand up to her for a change. And she can't accuse you of nastiness. And if she gets upset, point out she just had the nice quiet time at your house and how disappointed she isn't allowing you the same time with x and y. And if all else fails, what's wrong with getting angry with her? She doesn't get to dictate to you how you spend your time.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 12:03:38

Mummy I would love too, I have years of pent up rage inside me, I would very much be painted as the bad guy though, the irrational dil they were told I was and am. The problem as it were.

I have a feeling there has already been some upset caused as they thought we were going for four nights soley with the family but have been surprised its only two - two is plenty BTW with two small dc in some one elses house.
The other thing to do is instead of hanging round the house with the grandma - we could just do some days out instead with the DC away from MIL.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 23-Apr-17 14:52:57

I know all about this. I've been painted as the problem one in my birth family. In reality, out of all of us, I'm the most stable and adult person. I'm the scapegoat in a narcissistic set up. I no longer care what they think of me because they're the imbalanced and unhappy people.

By setting you up as the "mad wife", they are expecting you to comply or else. They are shaping you and making you fit into a box of their design. Being too scared to face how they may perceive you if you don't comply, you are buying into this nasty game. The more you do it, the more exacting and tyrannical they will become. And the more demands they will put on you. The only way out of this is to refuse to play the game. That either means by staying away (low contact or no contact) or by getting strong and dealing with the situation. I see your dh is unable to deal with her either. Don't be surprised if the relatives know exactly what she's like. They may well be rolling their eyes at her description of you.

Tulipsaregold Sun 23-Apr-17 15:59:49

I no longer care what they think of me because they're the imbalanced and unhappy people

Good point I need to keep telling myself this Mil is deeply miserable person. I am happy never ever to see her ever again, which is why I am dreading her being there. I think I will just have to expect it - hopefully have a happy surprise if she is not there and if she is - be as bright and relaxed as possible.
I feel the relatives like me to a degree, no matter what she has said - which is why I was hoping to see them and be able to be normal and relaxed. I think we will have to escape for a day too if she is there and if she wants to come will have to say no.

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 23-Apr-17 21:58:10

If you want tips on how to deal with her, maybe start another thread?

Tulipsaregold Mon 24-Apr-17 17:01:17

YY maybe - good idea!!

gojettersgo Mon 24-Apr-17 17:31:06

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL.
it's definitely her and not you.

All this defensive and passive aggressive attention seeking behaviour is down to her issues.

I would just carry on regardless, and minimise contact but behave kindly towards her. The chances are that her family know that it's her and not you.

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