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AIBU?

To ask for your help with this birthday dilemma?

50 replies

JustWhat · 23/04/2017 09:06

It's DS's 11th birthday coming up. He has a variety of issues stemming from early childhood which mean he struggles to make and keep friendships. He has always therefore just been happy to have a day out somewhere nice for his birthday with me, DP and DSS (who is here every other weekend). This year he does have s couple of friends (one in particular who he is closer to) and would ideally like to do something with his friend and not DSS. DSS is much more sociable than my DS and we have found it doesn't tend to work when my DS's friends are brought into the mix with them both as DS's social issues come to the door and he ends up being sidelined again so DP and I have ageees it's probably for the best to keep the school friends separate from family events etc. I've explained to DS it's not really fair to exclude DSS and so he is happy to do the same as usual and have a nice day out on the weekend closest to his birthday with us as a family.

On his actual birthday though he would like to do a little something with a friend or a couple of friends (tea out, trampoline park type thing maybe). As this is a day when DSS wouldn't usually be here anyway I thought this would be ok. DP however usually spends this evening taking DSS to football training. He agrees he should be here for DS's birthday to celebrate with him but says he'll have to bring DSS as it's his usual night with him and he can't tell him he can't take him training but he also isn't invited to the celebrations. What do you all think? To put it in context, DSS always has a party at his mum's with his friends and not my DS and then we have a family day out together when he's here to celebrate too. I can't help but feel my DS is missing out on having the little celebration with his friends which he would like, but can see DP's point too.

Help!

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KateDaniels2 · 23/04/2017 09:11

I dont think what dss does for his birthday is relevant here.

Your son doesnt have a parent living in dss mums house.

I actually agree with your dp. That its his night to have his son.

befuddledgardener · 23/04/2017 09:15

Maybe do the friend party without DH

AlternativeTentacle · 23/04/2017 09:17

On his actual birthday though he would like to do a little something with a friend or a couple of friends (tea out, trampoline park type thing maybe). As this is a day when DSS wouldn't usually be here anyway I thought this would be ok. DP however usually spends this evening taking DSS to football training.

That is fine. You take your son and a friend or two, and your partner takes his son to football.

NightWanderer · 23/04/2017 09:17

I think your DP should take his son to football as usual and you can take DS and his friends trampolining. You're doing something at the weekend too, so have the cake then but something like trampolining and pizza, you're more chaperoning than participating so both parents don't need to be there.

For my DD2's last birthday I took her and DD1 to a place they wanted to visit but didn't take my DSes as they are a bit old and it's too much work with them as well. We then had cake on her actual birthday as a family. It worked well.

SavoyCabbage · 23/04/2017 09:19

Is it that your ds's birthday is on a Wednesday and so after school you want to take your ds and his school friend to trampolining (for example) but your dp takes your dss to football on a Wednesday so he thinks your dss should come to trampolining instead of football?

Or is it that your dp wants to go to the party too?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/04/2017 09:19

I would just take your ds and his friend our and let your dh carry on with dss, that's not excluding dss and your husband isn't prioritising one over the other. That way your husband misses out (sort of) but none of the boys

NightWanderer · 23/04/2017 09:23

Ps. I appreciate that our situation was the opposite to yours as I took my DDs out mid-week but her actual birthday was on the weekend. I guess my point is that even with non-blended families it's not unusual to not do everything as a family unit even birthdays, sometimes it's not practical.

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 09:23

Sorry - do you have the timings

So DS finishes at school at 3.30

When does DH and DSS go to training?

I agree DS should have the party he wants he doesn't have to include his brother or anyone else in that celebration as he's having 2

Like you say DSS already gets a friends party no doubt one your end as well and probably a family donhos side - it's irrelevant but your DH needs to see it

Boulshired · 23/04/2017 09:24

My close aged children do not attend each other's parties with friends since they were five. We always have two separate celebrations. I do not see a problem with having two events.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/04/2017 09:24

In families where there are more than one child living at the residence, individual children get to have the odd birthday evening out with their friends without the whole family traipsing out.

JustWhat · 23/04/2017 09:25

Thank you all. I probably left out the most crucial part (sorry!), which is that I've suggested to DP that I just take DS and his friend(s) trampolining and he takes DSS to football as usual but he disagrees and says he should be there but that he should be able to bring DSS too.

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacle · 23/04/2017 09:26

Thank you all. I probably left out the most crucial part (sorry!), which is that I've suggested to DP that I just take DS and his friend(s) trampolining and he takes DSS to football as usual but he disagrees and says he should be there but that he should be able to bring DSS too.

Then tell him that you disagree and are taking them. Why does he get to decide what your son is doing on his birthday? Surely that is your son's decision - it being his birthday and all?

KateDaniels2 · 23/04/2017 09:28

But he also agrees that keep your ds school friends separate?

So how does he propose he does that?

SoupDragon · 23/04/2017 09:29

You either take your DS and his friends on his actual birthday without your DP or you take them on a day when your DSS isn't around. There's nothing wrong with childrendoingthings without other siblings (step or blood!). I don't think my DC's have gone along to the party things for the siblings apart from when they were small and had no choice.

When birthdays are midweek, we usually only have a small family thing on the day. The "party" activity is on a weekend nearby.

BlondeBecky1983 · 23/04/2017 09:29

Your husband is BU.

BlondeBecky1983 · 23/04/2017 09:30

I would plan the event at the same time as training.

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 09:30

Yes he doesn't get to decide!

Does DH go out with his friends alone?? Does he need that time to bond and chat to his mates?

He needs to let his son do the same - and yes I know you'll be there (to pay)

Your DH has a choice and he's choosing DSS over DS because any number of parents could take him to football -

I have taken my children out with their friends without DH attending I'm surprised you got this far!

Tell him what's happening - state it as fact - it's not up for discussion

SoupDragon · 23/04/2017 09:32

I've suggested to DP that I just take DS and his friend(s) trampolining and he takes DSS to football as usual but he disagrees and says he should be there but that he should be able to bring DSS too.

Then you have the family celebration on that day and take the others trampolining on another. That is how I would handle it.

SoupDragon · 23/04/2017 09:33

How old is DSS?

44PumpLane · 23/04/2017 09:36

I think your DH IBU.
Your DS needs some time with his friends where he won't be sidelined. You are not excluding DSS as you will be doing the usual family activity at the weekend.
I think your DH should take DSS to football as usual and you should take your DS out with his friends.
Your DH doesn't need to be there, your DS will be spending time with his friends, not with you and your DH and his presence will actually be to the detriment of your Son. It's actively selfish of your DH to insist on coming I feel.

SilverdaleGlen · 23/04/2017 09:36

On that basis your DP is being unreasonable. He doesn't need to be at both celebrations and needs to understand yours sons school friends group doesn't include DSS.

It's not excluding him, I won't be letting younger DDs go to eldest DDs school friends bday cinema trip this year as the group doesn't work with them on. It's fairly "normal" family behaviour.

greenworm · 23/04/2017 09:37

e have found it doesn't tend to work when my DS's friends are brought into the mix with them both as DS's social issues come to the door and he ends up being sidelined again so DP and I have ageees it's probably for the best to keep the school friends separate from family events etc.

So when your DP says he wants to bring DSS trampolining, and you remind him of the above, what's his response?

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JustWhat · 23/04/2017 09:37

Just to clarify another couple of things, DP is not DS's dad so DS will have a little something with his dad too on his weekend there I'm sure. Also, DP works half an hour away in the same town as DSS lives with mum, so collects him after work, takes him to training, takes him home and then comes home for 8ish. DSS is not here that evening, DP just takes him to training there and then comes home.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 23/04/2017 09:39

Well then he's doesn't have a leg to stand on

Book it - take the kids

You don't need DH permission to take your son out with his friends or have tea - any day of the week

KateDaniels2 · 23/04/2017 09:42

So dp isnt his dad, agrees its best to ley your ds have a party without dss, doesnt want to rearrange his evening with his son and doesnt want dss excluded.

Tell dh you are taking your son and his friend out and he is going to football as usual.

Its not up to your dh to dictate any of this. Plus he agrees its better for your ds. Why would he not do what is better for ds on his birthday?

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