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To not want to see or speak to her again?

(298 Posts)
froofroomcgoo Sat 22-Apr-17 20:43:06

Been wanting to write this for a while but didn't have the guts. This could be loooong.

My BF is one of DH's BF. They met at uni, I met her about 3 months after he did. I was her maid of honor, she mine. DH was an usher at her wedding, we see each other most weeks. Or did.

I got pregnant shortly after getting married. She requires an operation before she can have children (well, it's advised the operation is before pregnancy as pregnancy could make her condition worse) she doesn't want the operation so has put it off until recently when she has had to organise it. She isn't sure she wants kids at all, wants to foster ASD children.

She was the first person we told I was pregnant. She was excited and happy for us, continued to see her regularly. Then baby came. I had mild postnatal depression, I was struggling with the physical changes to my body, I had a birth injury causing on going issues and my sex life was non-existent which along with my mood was causing issues in my relationship. I confided in her. DS was a velcro baby, bottle refuser and terrible, terrible sleeper. I was miserable, sleep deprived and depressed.

I feel that as a good friend she should have suggested nights in round mine, shopping trips or lunch out, nights round her with DS coming with me, walks in the park etc (which I did suggest to her). I feel she should have hugged me, listened to me, told me to buck up. I did ask about her life and the things important to her etc, it wasn't one sided.

Instead, she went out drinking and dancing with DH, invited him to child-unfriendly things, invited him to lunch, the park, shopping, coffee with DS (under the guise of giving me a break).

We used to all do a hobby together, which I can't do due to my birth injury. She'd invite DH to do that, knowing how upset it made me, she'd invite him to gigs, trips away.

DH would always ask me before saying yes or no, and would sometimes say no anyway as he knew I was struggling, but I felt bad asking him not to go (I know now I should have said when I wasn't happy.

She'd also do things such as when we were round hers, put music on and give DH drinks and start dancing, then say "I really want to go out dancing but I bet froo won't let you" within earshot of me.

It all came to a head when DS was about 8 months when DH and her were going away for an event. DH informed me he'd book a twin room (we're pretty broke) or take an airbed in a cheapo hotel. I found out the night before that he's booked a naice hotel with 4 poster bed (though it was cheap!) we had a massive row and they didn't go.

We discussed it afterwards and DH did admit that he and DF had been getting close, he's been confiding in her and enjoyed spending time with her and could see it wouldn't take much for him to start having inappropriate feelings for her. He admitted his behaviour had been out of order and we discussed the issues in our relationship and are working on those.

DH maintains that DF didn't know about the hotel and I shouldn't blame her. I pointed out all the issues above and told him I felt she had been a poor friend to me, and had been undermining our relationship by listening to me about how I felt and things that were going wrong and then using them to get close to DH. DH admitted that he hadn't seen it that way but could see my point and that that meant she wasn't a good friend to him either.

Unfortunately she is part of a wider close friendship group, making it very hard to cut her off completely. I've seen her maybe 6 times since this incident. I'm polite but cool. The rest of group don't know about any of this. DH is still maintaining a friendship with her, though made the decision himself not to see her alone at all, or without me where possible.

He feels over time I should forgive her and move on. I don't want to. There is history of her doing similar things and this is just the final straw. I don't want her in my life. It's been about 9 months now.

DH and I have been working through things and things have been pretty good. I haven't fully decided if I can get over what he did, I do believe it to be an emotional affair and I'm not sure I can forgive him, but I'm trying.

AIBU to never want too see her again? And certainly not consider her a friend?

I think we're doing well and then I find that last night, when out with work and drunk, he text her. He clearly wanted to see her (I don't know what he text, just her response of "I'm not out tonight" when it flashed up on his phone screen.) and know I'm thinking does he still have feelings for her?

I hate this!

BitchPeas Sat 22-Apr-17 20:47:06

I'd keep a cool but polite distance from her. Keep your dignity.

But I would be furious with your DH. What he did/is doing is so disrespectful to you and your marriage. It would take a lot for me to forgive it.

kingfisherblue33 Sat 22-Apr-17 20:48:05

He doesn't get to tell you how you should feel or when you should move on!!

Your 'friend''s behaviour has been appalling, and your dh's hasn't been much better; his loyalty should have been with you.

And he's still texting her? Twat.

He needs to block her and convince you it's you he wants. Do you still want him? Can you trust him again?

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 22-Apr-17 20:48:18

He feels over time I should forgive her

I'm confused- forgive her for what? She carried on with her life after you had a baby. Your husband did too.

She didn't book the hotel, your husband did.

The issue isn't your friend, it's your husband.

MsJudgemental Sat 22-Apr-17 20:52:07

flowers This is unacceptable behaviour from both of them and they need to hear this loudly and clearly. He has a choice to make and so do you. Concentrate on your own health and that of your child. Take care.

ImperialBlether Sat 22-Apr-17 20:52:18

The OP is entitled to think that her friend will be a friend to her. This woman hasn't been a friend to you at all, OP. I think that if your husband can't see why you want nothing more to do with her, he's got his head up his own arse. AND the fact he's still texting her - to be honest, I would throw him out for that.

froofroomcgoo Sat 22-Apr-17 20:52:27

justhere I feel a good friend wouldn't have undermined my relationship with my husband and used confidential things I told her against me. I know her well, and know she would have been flirting with him. He should have seen it and he should have stopped it.

I'm furious at DH. Really angry and upset and we are working on our relationship. I don't know if I can forgive him but I feel we should give it a try at least.

y0rkier0se Sat 22-Apr-17 20:52:51

It's hard to say but I get the impression he probably does have feelings for her. Don't know what to say really - flowers until someone more useful comes along.

LindyHemming Sat 22-Apr-17 20:53:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming Sat 22-Apr-17 20:54:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

froofroomcgoo Sat 22-Apr-17 20:56:27

Thing is we still see her regularly due to her being part of a wider friendship group, so he does have contact with her and that isn't going to stop. I really like the others in the friendship group so would rather not cut them all out. We usually do things as a big group, very little one on one stuff.

I also feel he's a big boy and can choose his own friends however I feel he should be 'choosing' not to be friends with her. I need to speak to him again.

TheLegendOfBeans Sat 22-Apr-17 20:56:29

He feels over time I should forgive her and move on. I don't want to

He has NO RIGHT to say this to you. Ever.

expatinscotland Sat 22-Apr-17 20:57:53

You're being a bit unreasonable about expecting such a level of support from her as you did, especially from someone who doesn't have children, but NU about everything else. And you know whom I'd really be angry with? Your husband, no 'd' about him. How fucking dare he! And sorry, but he's not dealing with it, no, he wants you to 'move on' and forgive and forget because it makes life easier for him. He fucking booked a hotel room for them both with one bed! C'mon. At the least he had an EA, which he's still continuing that. He's not owning this at all. HE should be the one who is cutting her off because his marriage is at stake.

Leopard12 Sat 22-Apr-17 21:00:11

She's definitely not your friend, maybe she's always been more dh's friend but it's only become obvious, although it seemed to be beyond that. Your main problem now is your dh, he clearly text her first last night after telling you he wouldn't see her without you and admitting it had become more than friendship, closeness I could forgive but a double room booked behind your back and now secretly texting her?!

UppityHumpty Sat 22-Apr-17 21:00:39

I do think you should both cut her off. That he's not willing to do this, and that he was going to book a 4 poster bed with her (who does that with a friend ffs!!!) suggests he definitely wants more with her. Don't be a mug. Insist he blocks her and stops seeing her no matter how difficult it is with shared friends.

froofroomcgoo Sat 22-Apr-17 21:00:40

You're being a bit unreasonable about expecting such a level of support from her as you did

I probably was. I'd just seen her give it to others so thought she would to me too.

Vegansnake Sat 22-Apr-17 21:01:01

I think she was a shit friend..and I use the word friend loosely...clearly they have feelings for each other...has anything happened? I guess you will never know..for me to continue with my dh ,if in your situation,would be him going NC with her...even if that mean a whole new group of friends..

MrsChopper Sat 22-Apr-17 21:01:31

Yes, she has been a shit friend. But more than that you have a DH problem!

And I am sorry but he should have cut her off too and concentrated on your relationship without trying to dictate how you should feel or when he deems it appropriate for you 'to get over it'. He is a dick!

expatinscotland Sat 22-Apr-17 21:02:03

Sorry, but I'd fling him out for the text. He's not working on this, you are doing all the work.

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 22-Apr-17 21:02:38

I feel a good friend wouldn't have undermined my relationship with my husband and used confidential things I told her against me

Oh, absolutely. But I feel a husband shouldn't frequently leave his wife with a small baby while he goes out for coffees and to a hobby with another woman.

At the end of the day, he's the one who has made a life-long commitment to you.

Absolutely, your "friend" sounds like a snake in the grass but your ire towards her may be blinding you from seeing exactly what your husband is doing.

MapMyMum Sat 22-Apr-17 21:02:51

He needs to do more than not be alone if it cant be helped, he shouldnt be alone with her at all, there is no reason they have to be. He should be on his knees doing everything he can to make sure you dont leave. In fact why do you need to see her outside of the wider group now? They should both be so ashamed, him especially, that they steer clear of each other even at group meet ups. Id want him to be doing more and certainly not texting her ever. For me he either bucks up his ideas or he's out on his heel. Be stronger here, you're in charge not them

UppityHumpty Sat 22-Apr-17 21:05:37

I agree. He shouldn't be around her at all out of respect for you. The fact that he's not even willing to consider it suggests neither he nor her do respect you. You need marriage counselling, both of you need to cut her off. If not leave.

expatinscotland Sat 22-Apr-17 21:05:56

'I probably was. I'd just seen her give it to others so thought she would to me too.'

You know who really should have been supporting you but was too busy spending time with her? Yeah. She's by the by. Your h is/has had at the last a EA. He is refusing to acknowledge that, much less take the steps needed to try to save his marriage.

DesignedForLife Sat 22-Apr-17 21:06:18

It's your husband you need to be angry with.

Winniethepooer Sat 22-Apr-17 21:06:34

Reread your post Op.

Your dh also let you down
Stop blaming your bf...wink

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