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Play date politics, was I wrong?

(48 Posts)
nonstopholiday Sat 22-Apr-17 20:37:46

This is really mundane, but it's been troubling me since it happened.

My dc is taking part in a school show, as part of a group (4 children).

They needed to practise during the holidays (logistics of different dc being away on ho,iday at different times means all practices were scheduled for this week/weekend), and so we parents divided up the practices. I have an older disabled dc, so I asked if my turn could be at a time when she is at school, as simpler for everyone. All fine.

My turn to host a practice was Friday (yesterday). I have a younger dc who was ill all week, and so on Thursday I emailed asking whether anyone else could step in and have the dc over, as I didn't want my younger child passing the bug on.

Another parent (A) stepped in, happy to host, all well and good.

Then this morning I got a text from A asking how dc3 is, and whether I wanted her to host tomorrow's practice too. I thought she had me muddled with parent B (same name, different spelling), and said so, as I was never scheduled to host tomorrow's practice. I didn't hear back from A.

I then dropped dc2 round to friend B's house (not practice related, just playing), and mentioned the texts to B, who reminded me that she wasn't hosting tomorrow's practice, A was. Which left me confused as A had asked if I wanted her to step in again.

B then pointed out that maybe, since A had stepped in and taken over yesterday, she was hinting that I should do the same tomorrow?

This honestly hadn't occurred to me at all.

My AIBU is: should it have occurred to me? A has been a bit funny with me since (saw her this afternoon). Is it weird it didn't occur to me? My reasons for not having the dc at the weekend still stand (disabled dd1, who everyone knows, who is having a hard time currently, and frankly, having extra people over when she is around is just not an option), but even without that, would anyone actually expect (without saying so initially) that when they step up to help someone out - by taking on my practice when dc3 was ill - that it instantly meant we had actually swapped practice times? I have been very much left feeling that I am in the wrong, A was very much 'oh, no, not to worry' whilst also implying it was a big deal.

(For full disclosure, the dc involved are 10, know what they are doing so no huge parental input needed for the practices, and the practices have all been scheduled for non-meal times, literally a quick drop round for an hour to make sure they know what they are doing, rather than full on all-day with a house full of kids and hands on coaching/catering etc)

CurlyBlueberry Sat 22-Apr-17 20:46:18

Honestly, as I was reading it through I was thinking "oh so she'll be swapping her day then". I don't think it's a terrible crime or anything, but I would have offered to have them on A's day, and if I couldn't (and you understandably can't due to your DD) I'd apologise and maybe offer to bring some cookies or something so the hosting parent didn't have to provide snacks?

JigglyTuff Sat 22-Apr-17 20:49:25

Oh no, not to worry is just the British way of saying she's pissed off.

TBH, you've already asked if you could do practice at a specific time and then pulled out (couldn't your youngest just stay in bed) so it does just look like you're avoiding your turn. Did it not occur to you to offer to swap?

I also wouldn't assume they all know you absolutely cannot have other children in the house when your eldest is there either.

witsender Sat 22-Apr-17 20:52:38

I would assume you were wanting to swap.

Winifredgoose Sat 22-Apr-17 20:55:22

Im afraid that I agree that if someone stepped in and hosted on the day I was due to, i would assume I would then host on their set day.
Obviously you have the added complication of your older child. However, I think I would then have automatically approached A's Mum, and asked if she could possibly host twice, due to the needs of your older child at the weekend.

RedSkyAtNight Sat 22-Apr-17 20:59:51

Under the circumstances you describe (1 practice at each person's house) I'd have expected a swap. Actually I'd have expected you to ask if anyone wanted to swap rather than simply take over your "turn".

TBH this sounds overkill for 10 year olds anyway who'd I've expected to sort the practices out themselves unless you all live miles away from each other or something. And certainly should have been able to have the practice in the garden/park/other suitable neutral place if having extra DC in the house is difficult for you.

Mumzypopz Sat 22-Apr-17 21:07:54

You have said it is not an all day thing...Just a quick drop round of an hour. Couldn't you have managed it?

RaeSkywalker Sat 22-Apr-17 21:14:45

I would've expected a swap too.

nonstopholiday Sat 22-Apr-17 21:15:25

The practices were sorted out via group email, when I had clearly said I couldn't have extra children over at the weekend. A and B have both known dd1 for years (other parent, C, hasn't, but she's not central to all this grin) and also know that recently (last year and a bit) things have been really hard - they've noted the lack of dd1 at various school things she has previously attended, and I've chatted to them both about their dc coming over at different times, and how it could be difficult etc.

I couldn't just have the other dc round and have dc3 stay in bed - he is still under investigation, and a couple of (potentially serious) contagious options have been mooted by doctors. I emailed on Thursday as a heads up, letting other parents know about potential contagious illness, and saying I'd have to cancel, and the consensus was preference to hold elsewhere. A stepped up, completely voluntarily.

In a reverse situation, it really wouldn't occur to me that I'd be swapping, which is why it didn't this time. Tbf, if in that reverse situation, I would only offer to host the extra if I really didn't mind. Shit happens, and if it wasn't convenient then I would say so (as B did, no hard feeling from me), but if I said yes go ahead, then I wouldn't be expecting someone to takeover my prearranged turn.

We don't live walking distance, lifts are common, and all parents are fine with this. There isn't a suitable park/neural place in decent distance, and my garden is currently not accessible (building works), so if they were to come here (ill dc3 aside), they'd have to be in the house, and that is just not possible with dd1 currently (hormonal, puberty approaching, severely anxious and severely autistic. Quite frankly, people would get hurt)

Clearly I'm just totally out of step. I'll provide snacks for tomorrow, and apologise again.

DonutCone Sat 22-Apr-17 21:17:14

I think you were very rude to tell her she must have muddled up the people she was texting.

It was painfully obvious she was assuming you'd swapped! Why would she have asked after your child otherwise confused

Trb17 Sat 22-Apr-17 21:19:30

I wouldn't have assumed swap without that being discussed so YANBU. If she'd assumed swapping when she knew you'd said no weekends then surely she should have checked.

FutureChicken Sat 22-Apr-17 21:19:51

I have 3 dc, one disabled and understand. Whilst for others it's a nothing and involves pretty much opening/ closing the door for me it means lots of pre- prep,organising and managing sometimes to reciprocate. Luckily my friends understand this, and I do far far less ( though I'd say put the same effort in) with play for my others/

I think maybe for others you need to more expressly state why hosting is difficult. I say that dd will scream/ run in the room a lot/ get distressed and may even hurt herself when the house is busy. I give examples of when it's gone wrong, I think otherwise people don't get why I avoid a lot of play dates and think I can't be bothered.

With the bug you can't win, had they all come down vomiting after they'd be annoyed

Hippee Sat 22-Apr-17 21:20:27

I wouldn't have expected a swap, especially given the circumstances. I certainly would not have assumed a swap.

nemno Sat 22-Apr-17 21:21:19

I'd have thought it a swap too and that you had probably got something sorted for your DD1 and, like A did, I would have asked if you actually needed me to host your 'new turn' as well.

TessTube Sat 22-Apr-17 21:21:24

She might be cobby as you've said "no I was never scheduled to do it'

Rather than 'I'm so sorry I can't because x t z'

I'd text something like 'soz about this week - would love to have all the children around when x is feeling better/next holidays'

RandomDent Sat 22-Apr-17 21:22:03

I wouldn't have assumed, especially if we all knew that weekends were difficult.

FutureChicken Sat 22-Apr-17 21:22:37

Cross post, if they know your older one I'd just clearly point out you couldn't even guarantee their child's safety!

FutureChicken Sat 22-Apr-17 21:23:59

Tbf with severely autistic hormonal kids getting 'something sorted' isn't easy, you don't exactly have people queuing up to watch them or can pop them in a local club...

scootinFun Sat 22-Apr-17 21:24:32

I would also have expected a swap sorry. You may need to chat with A and clear it up.

JigglyTuff Sat 22-Apr-17 21:26:23

I think if you'd said that there was no other time you could do (assuming that all the other times were unsuitable for you) and that it would mean she'd be hosting twice and been super apologetic, it would have been fine.

I'm guessing she just assumed you would swap.

nemno Sat 22-Apr-17 21:34:09

Which is why I'd have offered to do the other turn too FutureChicken, as A did. No offence or non-appreciation of the difficulties was intended by my post.

DonutCone Sat 22-Apr-17 21:35:20

I just honestly don't get how anyone could have failed to get the hint from the text she sent :/

You should have just said you couldn't rather than tell her she couldn't have meant the very obviously for you, text, for you.

Whether or not you would do the same thing in the situation, I do think it was disingenuous to make out you didn't get what she meant.

MarcelineQueen Sat 22-Apr-17 21:36:49

Wow I'm quite shocked by the responses here. I'd never have expected a swap and would have thought it would be far easier for one if the other parents to host twice. I also think you acted perfectly reasonably re the text.

Surely it's about equity of support rather than equality? If a parent clearly has a lot going on at home, that most of the others are fully aware of, then why wouldn't they step in to help? Unless they were a bunch of knobs.

Ginslinger Sat 22-Apr-17 21:38:50

there's no way I'd have expected a swap in your situation -

RaeSkywalker Sat 22-Apr-17 21:46:29

Ah, I've changed my mind- if your email said that emails were a definite no, then I wouldn't have expected a swap.

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