Was I U to tell this boy off?(89 Posts)
(NC as this is quite identifiable if the parents happen to be on here)
There is a boy who lives on our street who is 5 like my DC. We know the parents well, have known them since the kids were babies, often walk too and from school together, are good enough friends that we have looked after the children in emergencies.
Boy is very friendly and can really be very sweet, but he is also very, very lively and often is far too rough playing with the other children (including DC), runs off while walking home, doesn't listen to his parents etc. Normally I would say this is none of my business - and am prepared to have it handed to me here that it really isn't - but he does influence my DC to run off too, or upsets them by pushing and hitting while playing. Obviously this is my issue to talk to my DC about the explain that just because one child does it doesn't mean they do.
Anyway, after a few recent incidents including running into my house after my DC and shutting the front door on us, the other day we were all walking home after school, and he was another family member rather than one of his parents. Kids ran down the alleyway towards our garden, which is normal. Then they ran into the garden - not an issue in itself. However when I tried to get him to leave and go back to his adult he refused to, and ran off into my garden and hid behind the shed. He refused to come out and in the end I had to take his hands and encourage him out. I had told the adult he wasn't coming out and they said he would come out eventually. I had my two DC, including a hungry baby, and really needed to get into the house so I managed to encourage him out from behind the shed.
I put my hands on his upper arms to get him to stand still and went down to his level and asked him what he should do if a grown up he knows asks him to do something. He pulled himself away and ran off. He was tantruming when he got back to the adult and nearly crying. I said goodbye to them all nicely and told him to have a nice weekend but he just ran off.
The reason I'm worrying now is that I know his parents dislike other people telling him off (I have seen them 'tell off' coaches at a sports club both our DC attend for upsetting him). I like them and don't want this to spoil our friendship. However I'm worried he will tell them that I told him off. It might sound silly but I'm now questioning whether I was right to tell him off? I really wouldn't have batted an eyelid if anyone had done the same to my DC if they were behaving like that.
(Sorry this was long just trying to explain the full situation)
What a nightmare! It doesn't sound like you really told him off, certainly not as much as that behaviour merited. I really would t worry. Those parents will reap what they have sowed. If I were you, I'd distance myself from them and him.
Oh I would have done the same, OP. He needed to get the fuck out of your garden.
I don't like other people telling off my son but that's it what you did at all - it doesn't sound like you admonished him or raised your voice.
If his parents react badly to that then they are ridiculous.
I am the mother of an exuberant boy and always deal with him myself which is why I don't like people trying to do it for me. I just have a thing about giving children a chance to do the right thing before running in all fund blazing.
From knowing his parents well I know how I spoke was certainly a lot firmer than he usually gets and I had my hands on his arm. I'm worried that might be the bit he focuses on and it could sound a lot worse to his parents than it really was.
As in, it could easily sound like I dragged him from behind the shed, held on to him and told him off.
He knows he was in your garden, not his own. He was refusing to do as he was told.
TBH I would have told him to "come out right now" in a firm voice and if he didn't, then I would have left him there, told the adult and gone into my house.
Don't sweat over it. A boy was being naughty and you absolutely have the right to stop him being a nuisance in your garden. If his DP don't like that, then they need to work with their child to stop him annoying other people.
What shitty parents. Kids need telling off... it's how they learn right from wrong.
It's done now, and heck he isn't exactly a great friend for your kids, they will always copy what looks more fun and often that's the thing that isn't allowed (often as it's not safe). If his parents make a fuss about it then might not be the end of the world after all.
I suppose in hindsight the only other option would of been to leave him to it, for his supervising adult to sort out. But that's hard when your kids are watching/copying and he's in your garden and possibly not in the safest area (ie behind a shed).
I think you handled it really well, you didn't scream or shout or get angry at him. I would hate someone shouting or screaming at my children but what you did is absolutely reasonable.
I bloody love it when other people tell off my kids. They don't bloody listen to a word I say so it's nice when someone else gives them a bloody good bollocking
Did another adult see you put your hands on his arms?
Would it have left marks when he pulled away?
You didn't do anything wrong, the supposedly responsible adult that was meant to be in charge of the child clearly decided they couldn't be arsed to deal with him, so you had to as he was hiding in your garden.
Sounds like his parents need to get a grip.
Yanbu, if the adult was that worried then they should have been closer to him and watching what he was doing.
I have no issue with people telling my DC off, equally I have no issue with people who don't want anyone to ever say anything to their DC as long as they properly supervise them if they don't then they can't expect no one to ever say anything. We have this round here - parents who literally let kids run wild and then complain when someone dares to tell them not to throw stones etc.
Yanbu at all imo. If they think otherwise you'd have had an issue eventually I think whatever.
You probably shouldn't have touched him but i totally see where you are coming from. I probs would have said to his relative 'i need to go in to feed the baby but you are welcome to wait for him, see you tomorrow.' Let them stand there like pillocks and wait for him to come out in his own time...'
Cosmo - no and no. I put two restraining hands on his arms like I sometimes do with my DC when I want them to stop, stand still and listen. A bit Supernanny really . I did have to hold his hands quite tightly while encouraging him out from behind the shed. But at that stage it was either that, actually pull him out, or go ballistic, and the first option seemed the most sensible.
In fact I was a lot calmer than I would have been if my own DC had climbed behind the shed!
Why didn't you insist the family member of the kid get him off your property?
I wouldn't walk home with him. Keep your kids with you and let his family sort him out.
With hindsight yes, boopsy, it might have been better to have just gone into the house and left the other adult to deal with it. Though I suppose then I'd be worried that I'd left an unsupervised child in my garden and that wouldn't have been the right thing to do!
In terms of touching him it's not as if I never have - the DC hold the nearest adults hand when crossing a road, for example, and the boy is also quite naturally huggy too.
Well this is the problem with parents like that. Whatever their motives are behind being totally hands off in respect to discipline has the consequence that their children suffer because they are incapable of behaving nicely around adults and playing well with kids - it's not fair on the child or the people who have to be around their behaviour!
I completely feel for you OP, you handled it very reasonably and no one could say otherwise. I would just be so frustrated with his parents and I wouldn't want my child being around him, which is sad for the little boy It's a shame you can't say anything, doubt it would change how they parent anyway. And no, YWDNBU
Wolfie, I know I probably should have. The relative was much older and not in a position to go running off down the garden chasing him, so at the time it seemed more logical for me to run off after him. And then he was behind the shed, and I felt that I ought to deal with it, rather than leaving him alone to get the relative.
See, it's this hindsight which has me worrying I've done the wrong thing. I don't normally question myself but then I know that the other parents whose DC I might have alone/playdates etc parent very similarly to me, and I have seen them "tell off" my DC for doing something they shouldn't, so I know we're all on a similar wavelength. These parents I know I'm not on the same wavelength.
Wolfie because it was much easier and more logical at the time for the OP to do it. Why should she be further inconvenienced because the responsible adult was not properly supervising this child?
Bit like the parents of the stone throwers 'tell us and we'll deal with it'. Yeah fab, so by the time I've turned the dinner off that I'm trying to cook, collected the DC together, walked round to yours, you've got your shoes on I already have a hole in my car door OR I could just sort it out myself..... Tough choice.
OP - I don't think you have anything to worry about if there would have been no redness etc on him. The parents may kick off but it sounds like the family need to get a responsible and assertive adult looking after him from what you've said.
I don't really think it was your job to be getting him out or reprimanding him while he was in the care of a relative. I would have given the relative a chance to catch up or shouted to them that the'd have to come and get him and gone in. Is there anything so hazardous behind your shed that you felt the need to retrieve him immediately?
His parents sound a bloody nightmare though so if they don't want to speak to you anymore I'd consider that a bonus.
But he wasn't throwing stones or causing any damage.
Tell relative to retrieve child. Take yours indoors. Not your problem.
Buy bolt for gate.
It's actually not that safe behind the shed - it's a long thin garden, the shed is hidden behind a load of shrubbery and has old wood behind it. Our DC doesn't go down there as they know it's currently a bit unsafe.
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