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Aibu to ask her to clean up the fucking cake.

(508 Posts)
Bigharibostrawberries Sat 22-Apr-17 17:06:29

So over the holidays I've had a particular group of friends around. We met at baby group and now my only DD is seven, while they have gone on to have more. There's about half a dozen in the group and some I'm closer to than others, but in general we've got on well.

I live in a house with a bigger than average garden, and I used to be a childminder, so my house was always the obvious place to meet, and for a long time I didn't mind, but recently I've been feeling differently.

DD is at the age where she doesn't make so much of a mess, so we've been redecorating, buying a few nice bits for the house and garden. When my friends visit, their children just pull the place apart. Well, some are OK, there's a few in particular that are just really rough. I know small children will do that, and I childproof my house as much as possible, but if I'm honest DD certainly wasn't allowed to do it at other people's houses and they don't even attempt to get their children to stop. I've had things smashed, walls drawn on etc. These children have managed to damage my house more than all my mindees put together, so I don't think I'm being precious

So as not to drip feed, DH and I have struggled with secondary infertility, and our one shot at IVF failed just before Christmas. It has been hard, but we are moving on and I now feel very much done with babies and toddlers. Maybe that's why my patience is wearing thin. We've also had lots going on with new jobs, family illness etc, and I could have done with some support, but felt very sidelined when I tried to talk to my friends. One of the group has constant marital problems which tend to dominate.

So they visited a few days ago and I wasn't particularly looking forward to it, but I made Easter nests, organised a little egg hunt etc. Some of them didn't bring their eldest children due to other commitments, and the 6/7 year olds who did come were three boys that DD doesn't really get on with, so essentially I was entertaining a group of babies and toddlers while the older boys tore off down the garden and DD sat and played on her own. I was a bit annoyed at that to begin with. I decided I was going to be a bit firmer over the wrecking the house issue, so when one child started grinding cake into the carpet, I asked him to sit at the table to eat it. His mum is the one who dominates conversation, bit of a queen bee if I'm honest, and she got really arsey and said "he's fine where he is". I pointed out he was squashing the cake everywhere, and she said "for goodness sake, he's only two."

And, well, this is where I was probably unreasonable, but I said "ok then, I'll just leave a little packet of wipes on the table if you wouldn't mind cleaning it up when he is finished?"

She said "excuse me?" and I sort of laughed and said "the cake- it will save me hoovering it later". She didn't say a word to me after that, had a face on her like a busted boot, and soon left, without saying goodbye.

We have a group Whatsapp, and later that afternoon I was removed from the group. I texted another of the mums who I am closest to and asked why. She said cake mum had removed me because she felt unwelcome in my house, my IVF failure had made me bitter, she felt threatened, I was jealous of her baby etc.

I said that's fine and as far as I was concerned she could fuck off, and she wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore

Cue a flurry of fb and whatsapp messages from the other mums, telling me I needed to apologise to cake mum because I had been unfair and I'd forgotten how tiring it was to have small children, that sort of thing.

If I'm honest I started to think maybe they were right. I was a bit sick of them all coming round and yes it was hard at times to be surrounded by babies /pregnancy when we were struggling

At this point DH came home
I showed him the texts. He said that in his opinion they were shitting themselves because now they had nowhere to go to be fed/ignore their kids. Also that even if I made it up with them, he didn't want them to come round en mass again, because he had thought for some time that they were taking the piss out of me. Basically he put the foot down,which is something DH rarely does.

So by this point I had been readded to the whatsapp group. I told cake mum that I was sorry for anything I had said to upset her, and I hoped we could all remain friends. I then said that perhaps in future we could meet at a park or something which would be easier for all concerned.

Cake mum and some of the other mums then got arsey, said I clearly didn't want them round my house, I couldn't cope with my ivf related bitterness and

FlaviaAlbia Sat 22-Apr-17 17:09:46

Cake mum is a tool and the rest are spineless. They're not your friends if this is how they treat you.

haveacupoftea Sat 22-Apr-17 17:10:58

They sound like a right pack of bitches. I'm with your DH, sack them all off. And even if you are bitter, you fucking well deserve to be. Fuck them.

AyeAyeFishyPie Sat 22-Apr-17 17:11:20

That sounds really tough.

For what it's worth I don't think YABU. Letting your child trash someone else's house isn't ok and if he is only two then he certainly shouldn't be be eating cake unsupervised on a carpet.

You have been very reasonable. Now you need to try and not contact them. Don't get into a WhatsApp row. She was in the wrong but it's unlikely that she will back down. It sounds like your DH is being really supportive which is great.

Hugs to you.

TyneTeas Sat 22-Apr-17 17:12:24

As you have recounted it, YANBU

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 22-Apr-17 17:12:45

Your DH is right. And if they were true friends they would feel that the park would be fine. After all it's about the fun of meeting up and relaxing together rather than taking advantage of someone's hospitality isn't it.

Halfbakedpie Sat 22-Apr-17 17:12:53

YANBU in the slightest, they're being ridiculous, it sounds like they treat you like a free baby group and are now throwing a fit because you expect the tiniest bit of consideration. Bringing up your ivf as a reason you're 'bitter' over this is beyond the pale, they deserve unfriending for that alone never mind the pisstaking behaviour.

iloveowls24 Sat 22-Apr-17 17:13:18

They sound awful! You deserve much nicer friends.

sunshinesupermum Sat 22-Apr-17 17:13:44

You really don't need friends like these.

stiffstink Sat 22-Apr-17 17:13:54

They basically use you and your house as a location for messy play. Fuck em.

Guitargirl Sat 22-Apr-17 17:14:25

You were so not being unreasonable to ask her to clean up after her own child. She was very rude and is now being ridiculously precious.

The comments from your so-called friends about ivf bitterness are beyond the pale. I would leave them all to it and let them trash each other's houses from now on. Your DH is prob upset as he can see they are totally taking the piss.

ittakes2 Sat 22-Apr-17 17:14:33

You have been very kind but they are taking advantage of you - ditch them and put your energies into your own family and what makes you happy. If any of these mums are your true friends they will get in contact with you again. But I really think you shouldn't offer your place anymore as it sounds like you are now being taken advantage of unfortunately.

tshirtsuntan Sat 22-Apr-17 17:14:34

Cake mum is a dick. Can you go round and rub a big Dundee cake all up her front door? (If challenged announce "I'm only -insert age-!) wink

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 22-Apr-17 17:14:39

I'd feel like going round to Bitch's house, grinding cake into her carpet and then saying "oh come on, I'm only 41" and walking out.

SleepFreeZone Sat 22-Apr-17 17:14:43

Fucking hell. Shred. Shred. Shred. Nasty shower of bitches. You sound lovely OP and I'm so sorry for your IVF failure 💐💐

CauliflowerSqueeze Sat 22-Apr-17 17:15:01

Snap tshirt !

Bigharibostrawberries Sat 22-Apr-17 17:15:28

Fuck sake posted too soon.

.......and that I was taking it out on their children. I said it was nothing of the sort, but that I'd hosted almost every meet up for years as well as providing most of the food, and that now there was the guts of 15 kids between us, it was just too much.

Cake mum just went on and on about what a bitter person I was, so in the end I sent her this picture and I blocked/deleted the lot of them from social media, removed myself from group etc.

Since then I've had a few supportive texts from some of the group and I suppose I'll stay in touch with them, but right now I think I'm better off without those friends

They were really the only group I had. My other friends live miles away. I suppose that's why I put up with it so long.

OuchBollocks Sat 22-Apr-17 17:15:53

First time anyone let their kid draw on my walls without dealing with it properly and apologising profusely would have been the last time. How dare they throw your IVF in your face to try to excuse their appalling manners. I'm with your DH. And I have a 2 year old and a newborn and my 2 year old would be made to sit at the table for cake in a carpeted room, no sitting = no cake.

MadamePomfrey Sat 22-Apr-17 17:15:59

Absolute bitches! Run as fast as you can they are not your friends you have nothing to apologise for and actually are owed a ginormous apology from all of them! Leave the group unfriend on social media and forget about the arseholes!

milpool Sat 22-Apr-17 17:16:04

They sound like dicks. My eldest is nearly 2 and I'd never let her do that! And if she did then I'd be mortified. Your DH is absolutely bang on with this one.

milpool Sat 22-Apr-17 17:16:36

And that cake photo is grin

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 22-Apr-17 17:16:43

Don't back down.

I'm with you all the way; move on from this group and find new friends that suit you and your dd.

grin I'm laughing at the thought of her 'excuse me' face.

PhilODox Sat 22-Apr-17 17:16:59

Sweetheart, they're using you. Time to find some nicer friends. It's good your DH is on your side. I'm sure your DD has friends from school that would love to hang out in the holidays? Maybe put out feelers this term, ahead of half term, when you'll be so busy hosting new friends, you won't miss the old ones?

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 22-Apr-17 17:17:18

Personally I'd remove myself from the WhatsApp group-after I'd told them all to go fuck themselves.
Your DH is absolutely right, they have used you & are basically a bunch of nasty twats.

helpneededormaybegin Sat 22-Apr-17 17:17:19

Absolutely 100% did the right thing! YANBU!

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