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AIBU to tell my DD that she has to go to work today?

(71 Posts)
contrary13 Sat 22-Apr-17 11:59:50

My DD (21) works in a local restaurant, part-time. She has barely been scheduled for the last three weeks due to - she says - a personality clash between her and the (new) manager.

She has just come downstairs claiming that she's had an anxiety attack, burst into tears and expected me to call in sick for her... 90 minutes before her first shift of the week is due to start.

I am apparently being very unreasonable, and a cunt - to quote her - because although I cuddled her on my lap for a while (had no choice but to, really), I said that she has to go to work, otherwise the new manager will probably sack her. He has already informed her that she is unreliable and "no good" at her job. There are other issues there, apparently, but I only get one side of it, so...

Am I being unreasonable to refuse to call in sick for her and to encourage her to go to work today?

(There is a backstory, which I'll explain here so as not to drip feed... my DD has severe mental health issues, including a diagnosis of NPD. She worked out a long time ago that if she cries, most of the family will instantly rush around to make her happy again. I don't believe for one second that she genuinely had an anxiety attack. I suspect that she simply fancies a day lounging about and moaning about how awful her life is, how she doesn't understand her uni essay so is simply not going to do it, and how Google have offered her a full-time job... which I also don't believe, but that's what I was presented with within 5 minutes of my waking up this morning! Her crying today seemed contrived, because as soon as I said "you have to go to work"... the tears stopped, I was called an unreasonable cunt, and she stamped her way back upstairs. She is now in the shower. I suspect that she also had a row with her boyfriend last night as, instead of staying with him as she had informed me she was going to, she made my mother drive out to fetch her home again after two hours in his company. Which would explain her behaviour today. Normally I would be discussing this with my counsellor, but it's a Saturday and she's rightfully enjoying a life without my daughter's manipulative dramas...!)

MrsJayy Sat 22-Apr-17 12:04:00

God that sounds a difficult morning she is struggiling obviously but you did the right thing but she probably should hand in her notice before she is sacked.

Asmoto Sat 22-Apr-17 12:07:29

Oh, dear, what a horrible situation for you, OP. I do think your DD needs to take ownership of this, for her own sake - you shouldn't be the one to call in sick for her; she should do this herself if it's warranted.

A personality clash with a manager is a horrible thing, and it sounds like your DD might be better off looking for a different job, but if possible stick this one out until she finds something.

throughgrittedteeth Sat 22-Apr-17 12:08:11

No YANBU. She needs to take responsibility for herself and even with her MH issues if she has her hand held constantly she'll never learn.
What does she think will happen if/when she moves out and has to pay bills?

Also you don't deserve to be spoken to like that, let her take the fall out for work if she doesn't go in and let her call them herself.

I guess since she's at uni she's not paying any keep? 21 is getting on a bit to still be kicking off when she doesn't get her own way. If I were you I would be stepping back a bit from the things which are her responsibility to sort out (uni stuff, work etc) and allow her to work it out - even if it goes tits up.

user1488721675 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:10:02

In all honestly, her manager has called her unreliable, no good and hasnt been given a shift in 3 weeks then I wouldn't bother going in either, they're using her today because they have no one else to do the shift. I'd be looking for something else.

AlternativeTentacle Sat 22-Apr-17 12:10:52

She is 21. If she wants to call in sick then that's her look out. 21 and wanting mummy to call in sick for her? Bloody hell.

throughgrittedteeth Sat 22-Apr-17 12:11:43

Also if she does call in sick and is going to be at home today, get yourself out of the house and out of her face. Don't give her a sounding board for her complaints! I think she needs a little bit of tough love tbh (again with her MH issues in mind).

NotStoppedAllDay Sat 22-Apr-17 12:12:36


I manage a large team with a good proportion of young people in it

Nothing more annoying and lame to have a parent ring in sick for them! They need to call in themselves .... or leave the job and let someone reliable have it

KateDaniels2 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:12:58

Has she simply not been given shifts, or is she saying she isnt available?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 22-Apr-17 12:13:05

She needs to grow up and you all need to stop pandering to her.

That is the kindest thing for her.

user1471545174 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:13:28

That's a hard diagnosis, OP. Look after yourself, and your mum.

MrsJayy Sat 22-Apr-17 12:14:52

I have a Dd with anxiety but even with anxiety we can't carry adult children forever even with MH issues they do have to take responsibility for themselves good and bad

Trills Sat 22-Apr-17 12:14:56

You can't make her go to work, but you can give her your opinion on whether she should, and you certainly don't have any reason to call in for her.

LilacSpatula Sat 22-Apr-17 12:15:02

YANBU - she's an adult and drying and calling people names isn't going to help her in the real world. I'd let her decide what she wants to do and let her tell her work. That's how the world works. If she gets sacked she won't have a job and might have learned an important lesson. This is precisely what my DM would have done and I would have gone to work!

thepatchworkcat Sat 22-Apr-17 12:15:34

Sorry to hear she's having MH issues and that she's struggling but just on the point of calling in sick - if she wants to call in sick she needs to do it herself, she's an adult. My workplace doesn't accept other people calling in sick for you, unless you are literally in hospital/unconscious/incapacitated in some way! She's 21. She has to call herself.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 22-Apr-17 12:15:45

We have a family member with NPD so I'm not being horrid but you can only manage the more unpleasant aspects of their behaviour by managing how you respond to it.

When does she start at Google btw? wink

MrsJayy Sat 22-Apr-17 12:17:31

Is npd a personality disorder?

tinydancer88 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:18:43

I would say if she's 21 she can decide not to go to work or not, but cannot expect her mum to make the phone call for her and validate her decision.

I suspect her reaction shows she knows you're right really.

Crispbutty Sat 22-Apr-17 12:18:53

She sounds a nightmare. And I'm sorry but anyone calling me a cunt in my own home would be packing their bags.

She sounds as if she has been pandered to and thinks the world owes her a favour.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 22-Apr-17 12:19:05

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Salubrious Sat 22-Apr-17 12:21:33

Gosh OP - sorry that your DD used that language with you. YANBU imo - your daughter needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

My eldest DD has a job volunteering and whilst she would rather be out with her friends on the days she's scheduled to work she understands the commitment she made when she accepted the job.

MrsJayy Sat 22-Apr-17 12:21:48

Thank you was trying to work out what it mean that must be terrible to live with.

SaorAlbaGuBrath Sat 22-Apr-17 12:26:14

I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I totally agree with you OP. If I could get away with it, I'd never leave my house/interact with people/get out of bed. But I have 3 kids who need me and that's why I do. If I had someone to do it all for me, I'd take it.
But I think you've done the right thing, and calling your own mother a cunt is a disgusting thing to do, whether there are diagnosed issues or not.

contrary13 Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:09

She is looking for something else... and I have spent the last few weeks encouraging her to do so. There are other issues with the manager, however, which have led to my family members all encouraging her to not quit but to let him sack her (essentially, she's not being scheduled because she took a week off - the first in three years - due to her having claimed to have taken an overdose and being in hospital as a result for a few days. According to my daughter, she is desperate for shifts but he's refusing to schedule her/allow others to let her cover their shifts for them when they can't do them).

I am stepping back, massively, but when she plonks herself in my lap and sniffle-snots all over my shoulder... it's difficult not to feel that maternal urge to make everything better again. I'm not calling in sick for her. I agree with the statement that she has to do it herself... but it's difficult. I feel like the worst mother on the face of the planet right now.

through (love your username!), she is paying keep. For herself and the puppy she brought home on a whim 6 weeks ago... and barely bothers with. She is paying the bare minimum, however - I'm still covering her food and all the utilities... and she doesn't understand why I can't afford to go on holiday, after she's spent a week (paid holiday leave) in America. Her younger brother and I haven't had a holiday since 2010. She said the other night that she has the right to go out drinking with her friends, because I did the same when I was her age. Except... I didn't. When I was her age, she was 8 months old and I couldn't afford to eat, because I was broke and couldn't/wouldn't ask family for help. I still can't. I'm still broke. Because I'm covering everything, for everyone. When I pointed out that I pay for all of her food/the Internet/heating/water/sewage collection, etc... I was told that I am "scrounging money off" her. She doesn't understand why she has to pay any rent at all. Today she was telling me that her student finance came through, which means she has an extra grand... which she's earmarked for another holiday, apparently.

I don't believe in shirking responsibility. Especially not when it will result in stress for other people (finding another waitress to cover the shift at short notice). She is reliable, she actually loves her job... but this morning, she's been snotty with me because I suggested that she finish her degree before taking a poorly paid full-time job (I can't force her to finish it, it's her choice, but I'm entitled to voice my opinion) and because her puppy has decided that I'm her person of choice.

I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable. Thank you for reassuring me that I'm actually not. I'm simply encouraging her, as an adult, to behave like one...

cocobatter Sat 22-Apr-17 12:29:50

I didn't realise NPD was something that was commonly diagnosed? Mostly because the narcs will never admit they have a problem! Is there any treatment OP?

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