SAHP wanting time out. AIBU(127 Posts)
I'm a SAHP to 2 year old twins. Dh works Monday -Friday and is out of the house from 7.15 - 7.15 (or later).
AIBU to want to go out for a whole morning or afternoon on my own every other weekend and leave dh looking after the kids?
He says that he works hard all week and so he should be able to relax at the weekends without doing childcare alone. (he doesn't refuse to help out with the kids just doesn't want to have to do it all)
Tbf he rarely goes out without us at the weekend as none of his friends live nearby but he does go out after work to the gym a couple of nights a week and sometimes to the pub / dinner with his mates although if he does this he skips a gym session.
I don't get to go out during the week as I don't have family nearby who could look after the kids and by the time dh gets home from work it's too late to go back into town and meet up with people.
If it makes any difference I didn't actually choose to be a SAHP but the childcare costs would have been more than my salary and I think maybe that clouds my judgement but I feel like I have NO time when I'm not effectively at work if I don't take that time out. I obviously do all the nights if the kids are Ill too because he has to go to work.
So aibu to want that time off? Should weekends just be family time?
YANBU at all. I assume that they're his children too? Did it never occur to him that he would ever have to look after them alone? What would happen if you had to go into hospital for a few days?
Half a day every other weekend is a tiny percentage of his free time and he should be more than willing to take sole charge and give you a break. When do you get your time off?
I would say you are going out for a whole day every other weekend or half a day every weekend. The other day can be family time.
YANBU - you both work but he gets paid and you don't. You both deserve some down time. He gets loads, you get none
He gets time to himself at the gym etc
You should get the same
Go back to work... Childcare care costs are for both of you to pay....And decrease over time....Being an enforced sahp does not work for most people and the longer you are out of the job market the harder to get back....
I choose to be a sahm and it was still hard and Dh did Saturdays or Sundays (we alternated so both got a lie in....He would take ds swimming .....I am now back part time but in a much lower level as was outfit so long
Then divide up the time that is left over between family and individual....
So he gets two evenings a week where he can go out and do what he likes?
And you get no time to yourself, except for evenings at home when you must be shattered.
I bet he is absolutely terrified of being left alone with twins that age!
You deserve a half day every weekend in my book for many reasons:
To make up for his two evenings.
To help you preserve some sanity, seriously, I bet you are feeling quite low by now
So that he can see what you do for 60 hours a week and to hopefully get some appreciation and understanding from him.
To protect your marriage. Again, seriously, as this could have huge repercussions for it.
Go back to work. Eventually the childcare costs decrease and it becomes worthwhile working - it is amazing how quickly that happens to be honest especially once they are at school. This will balance the relationship and make you feel more in control.
I'd go back to work. Yes, it might cost money off your JOINT salaries, but long term you'll be avoiding a costly gap in your CV.
When you say "go back into town" do you mean that you moved out of London when you had children so that you could be alone for 12 hours a day and isolated from your friends, your career and any activities that you could reasonably get to in the evening after 7.15pm?
Eugh i hate it when people say "childcare" about their own children. You need some time out too.
So basically he's entitled to a proper social life and enjoyable fitness sessions while you're expected to keep your nose to the grindstone constantly day and night. He's deemed his own mental and physical health more important then yours. And refuses to take complete responsibility for his own children
You should be entitled to the same amount of free time
No! We only have one child yet I manage to go riding twice a week. I'd got stir crazy if I didn't.
So you've got two year old twins. Your life revolves around caring for them with no time for yourself and his life hasn't changed. I'm not surprised he doesn't want things to change - he's got it really cushy!
Go back to work.
Y are seriously nbu!
I have twins and we had this kind of thing - DH seemed to think his life would be exactly the same - we had a big bust up and it got sorted.
First off I went back to work which helped my sanity and then I took up running and swimming again. It took a while to realise that as they got older they didn't need us both there all the time if that makes sense. Swimming was good as lanes were only at a set time so Saturday 8-930 was swimming time. Non-negotiable. He then got his bike ride in when I got home.
If I was you I'd tell him you are going to do xyz next Saturday morning and will be out from 9-12 and just do it.
He should want to spend time with his dc at the weekends. .
It's not bloody childcare. .
Its parenting. .
Make your plans and leave him to it. .
I'm in exactly the same situation as you, 2 year old twins, gave up work due to childcare costs. Your dh seriously needs to start pulling his weight!
My dh works long hours in a mentally and physically demanding job, he's out of the house for similar hours to your dh so can't really help much on those days although he will often make dinner when he gets in.
On the weekend he loves having them to himself for a few hours and would quite happily have them for the day and night if I wanted to go out...he appreciates that although I'm home it's hard going and I need a break.
Haha ha ha ha.. fuck off DH.
As a WOHM I can happily say that being at work is a piece of piss vs 2 year old twins and that's before taking into account the gym sessions and after work drinks
He needs to step up!!
So you work 24/7 no breaks no holidays no lunch hour - he gets all of these AND he gets paid
No doubt he gets most of the housework and washing done for him
You need to work it out
His 40 hours and week and you do the same at home
The rest is split
Baths bed time housework etc needs to be split
I have twins and was a SAHP for the same reasons - took time
DH is currently doing the washing
I'd just pack a bag, leave next Saturday morning and return Sunday evening and ask him how much easier it is than work!
My DH works in a very professional high stress environment longer hours than your DH and we have 3 kids, only one who isn't at school full time. He says going to work is far easier than being a SAHP, dealing with adults, getting to piss alone and drinking hot coffee are all advantages but the biggest is you get head space and time of from the relentlessness of parenting.
YANBU! I'm a SAHM and our social lives are similar in that DH socialises during the week and I do weekends. He wouldn't dream of stopping me! I'm off out shopping with my friends next weekend and there's no half-day about it. I'm marked as "out" on the calendar and usually just update DH on when I'm likely to return so we can coordinate meals (or not!) etc. Your DH needs to get used to dealing with your twins alone - he's not incapable! He's just being lazy
We just alternated "lie ins" each weekend. I often didn't lie in though, I'd go for a run and meet friends for coffee/take a gym class, etc. Alternatively, any chance you could hire a babysitter for a few hours one day a week so you could get some time to yourself?
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