Surrounded by useless uncaring people(13 Posts)
AIBU is be so pissed off with all my so called friends. My dad is terminally ill and we got news the other day that he doesn't have long left. Throughout his whole illness my friends never asked how he was doing and would rattle on about their own life's and worries. Telling stories of their own sick parents minor illnesses like it was comparable to his. As a family we've had the toughest few years and had battled many storms.
Since we found out the latest update they have all gone completely silent, no contact at all. One friend said oh I'm sorry but hey we're all going out for dinner tonight why don't you come out? I'm so annoyed that they don't care enough to ask me how he is and expect me to carry on like normal.
They may well care but people just don't know how to react with this sort of thing..some people will avoid you and some will try and cheer you up to avoid the issue like asking you to dinner etc sending flowers etc. Don't jump straight to the fact they don't care, sometimes they just don't know how to deal with it. You will get the best response from those that have been through similar, everyone else will possibly treat you "badly" but they may not mean to. Sorry to read about your Dad OP.
What an awful time for your family
Strange how all your friends are acting the same way, though? Have your reacted sharply to them before?
Some people are pathetic in times of trouble and I think many prefer to avoid people going through terrible times. I remember confiding in a friend about my dd autism. Its fair to say I have heard virtually nothing from her in a long while. So sorry though that you are missing out on much needed support.
When my mam was dying, i preferred to act like nothing was happening. I didn't mind texting but couldn't have handled someone asking over the phone or face to face without breaking down. In fact did a few times when MIL rang. Everyone acts differently and maybe they don't know how you want them to react?
I'm just so devastated about the whole thing and it's been going on for so long now I forget what normal carefree living is that coupled with having no one around that's ever been through this is getting me down.
I understand that they have no experience on this so don't know what to say but just can't help thinking some of my close friends could try harder. I'm finding it hard to think about everything going back to normal with them when he's gone when in my heart I know how shit they've all been when I needed them most. It's my problem I know and just need to find a way to push past it or else I'll end up with no friends
Maybe I'm putting all my anger on them I dunno
Maybe you are right about the anger. If your dad has cancer would it help you to speak to someone at Macmillan about how you are feeling ? I am sure your friends do care but probably do not know how to best support you . Sorry to hear about your dad. The world is a lonely place when you are about to lose a beloved parent.
You're not alone.
I am the first one amongst my friends whose mum has died. No one else has got a bloody clue! It's all...oh keep your chin up, she wouldn't want you to be sad etc etc. As soon as the funeral was over, everyone disappeared back to their own lives and it was business as usual...for them.
Until your friends experience similar, they have no idea what you are going through. Some won't even want to imagine it for themselves. Don't see it as them not caring, even though you feel angry and upset with them. Just see it as they have never been in your shoes and so cannot truly understand how desperate you feel. One day, they will undertand when it happens to them. You will then be able to give them the support you so desperately needed as you will understand.
It's so hard. Today is two years to the day that my mum died. None of my friends will contact me to see how I am because today is just another day for them. People don't understand unless they have been through it themselves.
Don't be upset. They will care in their own way even if they don't show it in ways you want them to. Take care and save your energy for your dad xxx
Oh OP I'm sorry you're going through this. It's absolutely devastating and nothing anyone here can say will help.
Sadly I've been through this twice (with both parents) and i have to say no-one was any better with my second than they were with my first.
I'm echoing the post above- people literally have no idea what to say or do, especially if they haven't been through it.
I had friends who didn't speak to me for 18 months then when they saw me pretended that nothing happened. In a way it helped my grieving process to aim my anger towards them.
And i have to admit I've lost friends through the process too, but no-one i miss because they let me down too much.
Nothing i can say will make this better but all i know is there are 24 hours in a day, just take one hour at a time and look after yourself xx x
What would you like your friends to do? Talk about it? Just text to ask how you are? Maybe you need to tell them how hard you are finding it. My friend pretty much kept away when my mam was dying (which i was grateful for) but when i needed to talk I'd just ask her to come round for a chat and she'd be there like a shot. (Didn't really talk about my mam though, i just needed a distraction.)
I have lost friends too. Some people I could just not forgive after my mum died. Some showed a side to me that I really didn't like. You really do get to find out who your real friends are. I had some big surprises!
Well he passed 2 weeks ago. I still can't get my head around that I'll never see him again, I'll never be able to talk to him again. His last few days were heartbreaking but I was with him at the end and actually felt his last heartbeat. Weirdly I find a little comfort in that (weirdo alert)
I've been amazed at how some people have shown true sympathy and said such nice things, done such nice things. My closest friend hasn't acknowledged his death and I spent a few hours in her company today and not even once asked about him or how I was doing. It was like it didn't even happen or he never existed. I just don't know how I can continue to be friends.
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