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Or is my DH being thoughtless?

(20 Posts)
pomadas87 Sat 22-Apr-17 01:44:41

Currently 9 weeks pregnant and feeling shitty - tired, queasy, really emotional, hungry... just the usual I suppose! I feel DH is not being very sympathetic - this is my first pregnancy and it's all feeling really alien and all these changes to my body are a bit overwhelming.

Went to bed at 9 as I was exhausted and now can't sleep. Am awake and eating twiglets in bed blush meanwhile DH is on a night out which he said was going to be just a few drinks, he keeps texting saying he's staying out later and has bumped into more friends. He knows I'm feeling rotten and we're going on holiday tomorrow (long haul flight which I'm dreading) and need to leave early.

We also spent most of Sunday in the pub (until midnight) with his brothers - I wasn't drinking - I asked quite a few times if we could leave as I was driving but it was always 'one more drink'.

Aibu to think he's being a bit self-centred at the moment and I wouldn't love him to come home and look after me a bit? I don't usually mind him going out at all.

Plunkette Sat 22-Apr-17 01:53:37

Hmmm. You are being a teeny bit precious. You don't really need looking after if you are honest. Early pregnancy can be rotten but what would you be expecting him to actually do if he were home? (Be sleeping I expect)

However if you are meant to be leaving early for your holiday and the drinking is getting in the way of that YANBU, but the pregnancy is irrelevant to that.

Re the drinking with his brothers. Next time say "I'm not feeling well I'm going home in 20 minutes and then stick to that - he can get a taxi home.

Meanwhile, switch off your phone (it won't help you sleep) go make a milky drink and read a book until you drop off.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. flowers

chitofftheshovel Sat 22-Apr-17 01:55:58

Yabu for eating twiglets, they are the devils food.

I'm on the fence TBH with him staying out. It's not ideal no, but it sounds like he has been caught up in the moment.

Just try to relax and enjoy the nice big bed to yourself.

pomadas87 Sat 22-Apr-17 02:01:02

Thanks for the replies. I am wondering if this is actually just mad pregnancy hormones.. I'm not usually like this with him!

If he were at home he'd probably sit up with me and we'd have a cup of tea and chat - he's recently back from working away for a month and it's just nice to have him here.

I will try to chill out... if he crashes in drunk and stinking of cigarettes I may tell him to sleep on the sofa however!! WIBU?! wink

Somerville Sat 22-Apr-17 02:03:03

Yes, that sounds pretty thoughtless and self-centred of him. Wanting to go out and arranging a time to be home that works around other plans is fine of course. But not then staying out later; prioritising socialising with ones friends ahead of the practical or emotional needs of ones pregnant spouse.
I'm pregnant too and if DH did this I'd be really pissed off. I have a lot fewer options for getting r&r than he does, due to carrying our child, and I don't want to sit at home on my own while he continues partying. I want to spend time together. Plus, like many pregnant women, I sleep very lightly so would wake up - and probably not get back to sleep - if he came in late.

You should definitely talk to him about it. But not tonight - late at night everything seems worse. Hope he listens though - he'll have a baby soon, and afternoons on pub/nights out will become few and far between...

pomadas87 Sat 22-Apr-17 02:15:56

How best to broach the subject? He knows I don't really sleep when he's not here and he's said previously 'he can't do anything about that' hmm

Shall I just say I found it a bit self-centred when he knows we're off on holiday in the morning on a 14 hour flight - and we'll both have about 4hours sleep at this rate..?

Somerville Sat 22-Apr-17 02:26:39

I'd recommend not starting by calling him self-centred. Best to avoid any name-calling, however justified. wink
I would also wait until you've got through the stress of the journey and are both more relaxed. Part of communicating well really is about choosing the right moment.
And then, just explain how it makes you feel. Try to avoid value judgements and absolutist statements. Listen to his responses - properly listen. And then think before replying. And call him out on it if he doesn't do the same. When he says he can't do anything about something, point out what he can do. ("Like come home on time and not wake me up you bloody bellend ")

In advance you could think through what the underlying issue is for you, so you can calmly keep bringing the conversation back to that.

And ultimately if he won't listen and engage then you should insist on counselling. Because communicating gets harder when life becomes more stressful (like when sleep deprived with a newborn, and when stressed by a tantruming toddler...) and learning to communicate well now is really essential for your continued happiness together.
Good luck flowers

gluteustothemaximus Sat 22-Apr-17 02:28:37

I'd be pissed off.

Reverse it. If my DH was feeling a bit ill, crap, upset, would I go out? No.

You're entitled to feel hormonal and sometimes irrational your body is growing a human. And his job is to indulge you grin

Congratulations btw x

highinthesky Sat 22-Apr-17 02:40:44

Try and sleep. You might see things a bit differently in the morning.

StillHungryy Sat 22-Apr-17 02:51:28

I think YABU if you would expect him generally to be sleeping now then there's no real harm done

Plunkette Sat 22-Apr-17 02:52:25

Gluteuous but by that logic he might not be able to leave the house for eight months...

PyongyangKipperbang Sat 22-Apr-17 03:04:17

Try and get seperate seats on the flight so someone else has to deal with his hangover.

With pregnancies, especially the first one, nothing changes for them so they often dont get what the fuss is about. So you are a bit tired and feeling a bit sick.....whats the problem?! This is why men get a (deserved) bad rep about being arseholes during pregnancy.

You have two options. Either say nothing and accept it or go nuclear and make it clear that while he isnt experiencing the physical aspects of pregnancy, he needs to step up and support you. Personally I would (and have) gone for option two.

PyongyangKipperbang Sat 22-Apr-17 03:08:33

Oh and he needs to deal with "Just one more" now, otherwise you will posting along with the many others about written off weekends because one drink after work turned into a bender.

MarcelineTheVampire Sat 22-Apr-17 03:16:00

This may be a massive generalisation but I have found that men don't see the issue with behaving as before as they don't realise the changes you are going through- they don't realise that you have to become a mother as soon as you are pregnant because they don't need to become a father until the baby is here (then they get a shock)...

I would speak to him when you are on holiday and explain the changes, I was pretty chilled most of the time about my DP going out but my hormones and tiredness from
Insomnia sometimes gave me the rage and I let him know how miserable I found it all.

flowers for you OP, the 2nd trimester is so much easier - and stop eating twiglets YABU for that wink

PyongyangKipperbang Sat 22-Apr-17 03:45:49

Ignore the bitches, nowt wrong with twiglets!

StillHungryy Sat 22-Apr-17 04:10:59

They aren't Pringles though, or wotsits!

MrsKoala Sat 22-Apr-17 05:35:50

Twiglets got me thru my first pregnancy. Perfectly salty and dry to take that foul taste and just about to vomit watery mouth you get. The first trimester is awful.

I think not sleeping when he's out is a bit silly and agree, not really his problem. I'd be pissed off if he was useless for the journey tho - pregnant or not.

pomadas87 Sat 22-Apr-17 07:39:32

Thanks for the replies.
I do feel better now I've slept on it highinthesky. Was feeling pretty emotional last night - I never usually mind at all about nights out (and I do the same) but for some reason I did in the wee hours of last night!

DH currently storing his head off after getting in at 4am - going to tell him I'm not happy about the 'just one more/staying a bit longer' aspect when we've got plans like driving to the airport soon for a long haul flight. In the light of day today I think that just seems quite immature and selfish.

Dishwashersaurous Sat 22-Apr-17 08:48:32

Hope you have a good holiday.

Is he safe to drive? That would annoy me as in early pregnancy felt too sick to drive. Risk of vomiting at the wheel

Dishwashersaurous Sat 22-Apr-17 08:48:42

Hope you have a good holiday.

Is he safe to drive? That would annoy me as in early pregnancy felt too sick to drive. Risk of vomiting at the wheel

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