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Dh and 'his' money

(65 Posts)
Wornout8 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:32:06

Our financial situation is that I work part time (25 hours) and Dh is full time, he pays all bills and I pay for the childcare, dc activities and transfer money into our joint savings account each month. We have separate accounts and are left with the same amount each month for ourselves, however I find myself paying for 90% of anything that the dc need, if I need to make a big purchase such as school shoes I ask him for half, he gives me the money albeit grudgingly especially if I ask too often. We've had a huge row tonight as today dd and I took £4 out of 'his' change that he was saving, this is money dd was owed for pocket money and wanted to spend on a shopping trip today, pocket money is the only regular thing dh pays for for the dc at £4 a week, he often 'forgets' to do this and dd has to ask for it. DH was furious that we had taken this money and made dd cry and offer to pay it back and me livid that he had made her feel like that, I'm really cross about the whole situation and annoyed that he is making me out to be unreasonable.

Crumbs1 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:41:57

Sorry I'm confused as you say you're left with same amount each? Do you mean after all costs are met i.e. Spending money for personal use?
I think not and that you mean out of your 'equal' allowance you pay for the children. In that case it's seriously unfair and you should be having a conversation about joint account. When I married my husband endowed me with all his worldly goods - his money is my money. It's the only reasonable way to manage when someone is working less paid hours tomrear children.

Bluntness100 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:42:04

Is there financial problems? Arguing to this extent over four pounds is quite shocking.

UppityHumpty Fri 21-Apr-17 21:45:15

He sounds like a miser. I strongly suggest you demand a fairer split. If he doesn't agree then take dd and leave for a bit.

MickeyRooney Fri 21-Apr-17 21:48:33

Financial abuse.
You have yourself a financial abuser.

he's a stingy bastard.
seek legal advice.
he will only worsen.

TeenAndTween Fri 21-Apr-17 21:49:03

Have a joint account for household and DC expenses. (Agree whether it covers eg car servicing and petrol). Monthly, you then each transfer in either proportionate to your incomes or so that you each have equal money left. Excess goes to joint savings.

FloatyCat Fri 21-Apr-17 21:49:18

Children's shoes, uniforms, clothes etc are a joint cost and should be split jointly.
Is there a back story rowing about £4? Surely there's no need for such a big reaction?

Wornout8 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:50:23

Crumbs1 Yes after all costs we have the same amount left but I'm paying for the children out of what technically should be for my own personal use. I intend to have the conversation tomorrow, I'm fed up and becoming more and more resentful.

Bluntness100 Not financial problems as such, things are fairly tight but not hugely, we still manage to save about 300 a month but I have to think about what I spend.

honeylulu Fri 21-Apr-17 21:52:39

More info needed about whether the "equal" spending money is before or after you have to pay for the kids stuff.
That reaction over four quid is worrying though. Are you very hard up?
How is it "taking" if she was owed it?

Cheerybigbottom Fri 21-Apr-17 21:52:42

What an absolute miser to make his child cry over £4 pocket money. My husband earns 9 times what I do but it all goes into the joint account. I have a friend who earns more than her husband but they do this equal contribution into the bill account thing and she's the one buying everything for the kids and being left with nothing while he indulges himself in whatever he wants. It's not a financial model that works.

So your husband is either a Scrooge who thinks everything is his his his! Or maybe his money is going somewhere else, does he waste his cash on lunches out/unnecessary spending etc

phoenixtherabbit Fri 21-Apr-17 21:53:47

Things are 'fairly tight' but you save £300 a month?

Why not set aside £50 of that for pocket money / school shoes etc?

honeylulu Fri 21-Apr-17 21:54:29

Sorry x post! So he has more to spend on himself and you save for all of you?

mainlywingingit Fri 21-Apr-17 21:55:31

He sounds bloody awful OP.

When married it's all shared I think. He's being a dick big time flowers

Wornout8 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:55:51

floatycat It escalated because I told him how annoyed I was that he had moaned about it being taken which was then turned round on me and it was me that was making an issue of it. I was just so angry that he made dd feel bad about the situation.

mycavitiesareempty Fri 21-Apr-17 21:57:30

I can't see how it's equal if it's always presumed you will cough up for discretionary spending linked to the kids. Of which there is a lot with kids.
What a mean bastard he sounds.

Bluntness100 Fri 21-Apr-17 22:04:13

He's behaving terribly. My husband and I have a joint account, we also have seperate accounts. Often one of us will take money out of the others wallet or purse. Simply because we don't have cash on us and save us going to a cash point. Neither of us thinks anything of it, but neither of us take the piss. Our daughter also has a habit of mine sweeping up change which we laugh about. I simply can't imagine how you're living.

He's a selfish mean abusive miser. He's not pulling his weight financially. He's making you provide more than you should and he's making his kid feel bad and do without. I'd definetly be having a conversation about that where he was left in no doubt what a piece of shit he was. Four pounds, her pocket money, she wanted for a school trip and he made her cry and offer to give it back, and you're the unreasonable one. I couldn't live with that. Men or women that are able and simply don't want to provide fairly for their families sicken me, I'm sorry,

supermoon100 Fri 21-Apr-17 22:05:58

There are so many threads like this. If you are raising children together you should have a joint account to which you both have access at all times. You are both equal whatever paid hours of work you do. You are raising his children.

LRDtheFeministDragon Fri 21-Apr-17 22:07:07

I find it really disturbing you say he was furious 'we' took the pocket money.

That was money he forgot to pay to his child. You covered up his mistake. He should be grateful to you and apologetic to his child.

He should be paying for what his children need in proportion to what he earns.

I can see he's being entitled and selfish, but it should be very simple. If he feels his child deserves pocket money, and he undertakes to pay it, he owes you an apology. If he feels his child deserves clothes and shoes, he should know how much they cost and how often they need replacing, and he should step up. And if he doesn't think his child deserves these things, he should consider his fitness to be a parent.

ThreeFish Fri 21-Apr-17 22:08:15

I really don't understand this method of splitting money.
It's much fairer on both earners (provided housework is fairly porportioned) if:
All earnings into one account
All bills paid from that account
Agreed savings amount transferred from there to another account
And both partners allowed the same for individual spending.

If he really can't see this, you have a problem.

CointreauVersial Fri 21-Apr-17 22:13:32

There's no "my money" and "his money" in this house. It's all ours, to be used on bills, children, or anything else. I can't comprehend how any married/cohabitting couple can share a house and raise children any other way! It's absurd, and quite frankly selfish.

All my pay goes into the joint account; DH keeps some in his own account, but pays the (joint) credit card bill. Any surplus or shortfall, money is moved from one account to another. I go to the cashpoint, I give him some money for his wallet...and vice versa.

And when I spent six years as a SAHM he paid for everything.

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 21-Apr-17 22:14:36

You need to stop contributing to the savings the amount that the kids need. Your outgoings are still then the same as his but the fact that SHOCK cost money is acknowledged.

Sounds like he wants it all ways, and if I were you would make sure that your joint savings accounts is joint signatory because if you were to split up or he got the arse on, you would never see a penny of it.

And dont ask him if its ok that you are doing this, tell him that you are doing this because you are sick of him expecting you to share your personal money three ways when he gets his all to himself.

befuddledgardener Fri 21-Apr-17 22:16:51

I'd tell him that the kids stuff needs to come out of the savings money from now on rather then out of your cash.

OhTheRoses Fri 21-Apr-17 22:19:46

We've never had a joint account.

When I didn't work I paid for food and all other incidentals (school shoes, ice-creams, swimming lessons, petrol, hair cuts, etc). I bunged all the bills in a,little box with an x's sheet on top. At the end of the month DH wrote me a cheque - never ever questioned a penny we have similar approaches to money though

Having said that he took dd put for the day when she was about nine and she wanted a simple lunch out and he let her pay out of her pocket money because he thought it was unnecessary. I went ballistic when I found out. But that was how his parents carried on. At least we could have a good honest row about it though.

EweAreHere Fri 21-Apr-17 22:20:52

I hope your talk with your partner goes well, OP. I suspect he's not going to take it well, though.

Butterymuffin Fri 21-Apr-17 22:21:42

Mean git to expect you to pay for the kids while he doesn't have to. And the pocket money thing was awful.

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