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Has anyone had a termination just because their husband really didn't want another child?

(183 Posts)
NoOneLikesACrispyTowel Fri 21-Apr-17 21:24:41

DH is 13 years old than me in his mid to late 40's. We have two DC, youngest 6.
We were really stupid and now I'm pregnant. I'm in a crucial part of my career and it was far from planned but I kinda got my head round it.
DH is another matter though. He absolutely in no way wants this child. He says he doesn't think our marriage will survive it (we unfortunately had a really hard time with our other DC with life threatening illness's and medical needs - bloody bad luck basically) as it's so stressful having kids when they are small. Says he's too old and doesn't want to be going to play parks in his 50's.
All 4 of us are in a really happy place finally after many years of stress and worry and now this.

He's right of course. Right about everything he said.

He doesn't think our relationship can handle me keeping it.

I don't think our relationship will survive if I get a termination for him alone.

Half of me thinks fuck it, I'll have it and raise in on my own with the other DC.

The other doesn't want him to leave our current DC so maybe I should just get rid of this pregnancy and try and get over it?

I feel like we're screwed either way.

Wtf do I do?!

PastysPrincess Fri 21-Apr-17 21:27:08

If you want the baby then definitely don't have an abortion. He took the risks just as much as you did.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel Fri 21-Apr-17 21:29:02

But I need to consider our marriage for the sake of our other kids.

StillDrivingMeBonkers Fri 21-Apr-17 21:29:25

Fear of the unknown is provoking this reaction. Do you want the baby? He'll come round. They always do. It'll be tough, but you'll all cope. Good luck with whatever you decide.

TheUpsideDown Fri 21-Apr-17 21:32:16

Im not against abortion... but only have one if YOU want one. If YOU couldn't get over doing it just for your DH you'll end up resenting him and your marriage will be over eventually anyway

nightswimming1 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:36:14

I agree with TheupsideDown. If you don't want a termination and you feel pushed into one by him... personally I couldn't get beyond that. If he is saying the marriage won't survive another baby odds aren't good anyway. flowers OP.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel Fri 21-Apr-17 21:36:24

Exactly. And if I keep it he will resent me (he will believe me) and the marriage will be over anyway.

God what a fucking situation. We were so happy before this. Now everything's fucked.

Vegansnake Fri 21-Apr-17 21:38:43

It's yr body..your choice...makes no difference what he wants..he will have to live with yr decision...not you living with his decision....sometimes it's easier to work out how you feel before you tell anyone.. take some time alone and think things through,see how you really feel about this pregnancy..then when you have decided,it's up to him to do whatever he decides..good luck x

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel Fri 21-Apr-17 21:40:07

I know it's my choice but it doesn't just effect me.

It's not that simple.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Someone who understands? Please??!!!

MrsLettuce Fri 21-Apr-17 21:41:37

Sometimes it's there are no right answers or good choices, just a shit situation. It's maybe a case weighing things up and choosing the least worst option for you and for your family as a whole. That choice is, of course, yours and only yours.

It's not 'wrong' to choose to have an abortion whilst regretting that it is the least worse choice, to feel sadness and loss about that. Neither is it 'wrong' to choose to continue with a pregnancy in less than ideal circumstances.

Blossomdeary Fri 21-Apr-17 21:44:20

No, everything is not fucked.

You are facing one of the many challenges that you have already discovered go with being married and being a parent. There is absolutely no way at all your marriage could survive you having a termination when you do not want one; so deciding to do so to save the marriage does not make sense.

You AND he got into this situation and he has to step up and be a parent to this new child. If he cannot do that, then he is no sort of husband or partner and the marriage would have no chance in the long term anyway.

You must do what you feel to be right for you and he will either go with it or fail to do so. If it is the latter then you will know that your being "so happy" with him was an illusion.

No woman should be forced into a termination she does not want - ever.

NoOneLikesACrispyTowel Fri 21-Apr-17 21:47:07

Thank you Mrslettuce and Blossomdeary.

He would never make me. But he's so unhappy about it I have to choose.

TheUpsideDown Fri 21-Apr-17 21:47:19

Poor you NoOne flowers

Just throwing this put there..

What would he do if you split and you keep the baby, in terms of access and providing financially? Will he resent that too?

Will he only want to see the 2 you already have and not the new baby? Or will he punish all 3 children? Or, if he would actually want to see and provide for all 3, including the new baby, then you may as well stay together as a family, no?

Something for you to bring up with him if you decide you really don't want an abortion.

Mombie2016 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:50:00

I kept my baby.

Ditched the fuck wit husband.

Don't regret it for a second.

I myself also have some health issues and financial issues that made it a huge fucking gamble to have another baby with a supporting husband let alone without one.

But we're all still here, still standing and the last year has been one of the best of my life also the most sleepless one but never mind that

He gave me the "but you've had an abortion before what's different now" speech hmm difference was I was 19, in no way ready to be a mother and the foetuses father was someone I barely knew... Oh and I wanted an abortion that time, and I didn't this time... It really is that simple.

MrsLettuce Fri 21-Apr-17 21:51:39

How far along are you OP?

nuttyknitter Fri 21-Apr-17 21:51:54

I'm very much pro choice and would have chosen termination had I accidentally become pregnant in my teens and twenties. However, having had 3 DCs I know I couldn't terminate a subsequent pregnancy and I couldn't forgive a man who expected me to do that. I wish you well with your decision.

Fairyfellowsmasterstroke Fri 21-Apr-17 21:52:53

OP - There are no right or wrong answers.

The thing that I would say is that there is only one person that you have to live with for the rest of your life - and that person is you.

You have to think about what you want, want you need and, most importantly, what actions/consequences can you comfortably live with for the rest of your life.

If you terminate the pregnancy and feel that you will never get over it or you'll never forgive yourself - think carefully about your actions.

Alternatively if you feel that, by having the baby, you'll tear your marriage/family apart and that is something you'll blame yourself for forever - then, one again, think carefully about your actions.

My post is a bit convoluted but, what I'm trying to say is it has to be your decision. You can consider others but, as the mum, the final decision has to come from within you. flowers

blubberball Fri 21-Apr-17 21:54:36

It has to be your choice. Don't do anything because he wants it. He goes along with what you decide. There's no right or wrong. Take your time to think about what you want.

buttercup54321 Fri 21-Apr-17 21:59:58

Your body. Your decision. End of.

Coverup890 Fri 21-Apr-17 22:00:28

My dp said the same when i was pregnant with dc3 he made my life a missery for 9 months even though he was the one who wanted a third. 6 years later we are still together and wouldnt change the three dc for the world. Yes money is tight but we have made it work.

Dp says now and again hed like another but seeing as i got steralised so he could never put me through that shit again!

MrsLettuce Fri 21-Apr-17 22:00:29

I'm exactly the other way nuttyknitter. Absolutely pro-choice mind. I really don't think I would have terminated in my teens or pre-dc but I would now, after 2 DC, without a shadow of a doubt. I'd not want to and I'd surely be sad about it but another isn't something I could accept in any circumstances. I couldn't forgive a man who expected me to keep or terminate a pregnancy.

supermoon100 Fri 21-Apr-17 22:00:51

Really tricky situation but he simply can't dictate what you do with your body after he is part of the reason you are in this position. Its also incredibly cheeky as he has chosen to be with a woman who is so much younger than him. He wants your young body but not your young ovaries! Without a doubt i would keep the baby. Your dh may eventually change his mind, in fact most likely will, but an abortion is something that can never be changed.

AntiGrinch Fri 21-Apr-17 22:03:24

I think you have to leave your marriage out of the decision because you don't really know what will happen there. you have to decide about the baby - baby or no baby? - and after that you will be either single or in a marriage. but they aren't effectively enough connected in ways that you can understand now, that you can treat the marriage as part of the decision.

superram Fri 21-Apr-17 22:04:33

I had an issue where I thought I might be pregnant with my third due to cool failure. I am pretty sure I would not have continued with the pregnancy.

CoolCarrie Fri 21-Apr-17 22:07:04

Would YOU be happy with another child? If not, then you know the answer
It sounds like this pregnancy is completely ruining a happy family and happy relationship with your husband, so frankly if I was in your situation, I would terminate, I would put my existing children, husband and career before anything else, but that is me, not you.
And get your contraception sorted out by your DH having a vasectomy

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