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AIBU about DP's personal hygiene? What's 'normal'?

(92 Posts)
user1492759984 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:25:56

Genuinely not sure if I'm being U here so wondered what's normal for you and your DHs - my DP and I have a DD but don't live together, but he stays at mine about four times a week (long story, split up when I was pregnant and recently got back together). He bathes at home most evenings but will skip some days (maybe two a week), and doesn't wash before he goes to work. He works closely with a large number of people throughout the day. I would literally never go to work without having showered that morning even if I was running late. I think apart from anything else it's unprofessional not to be clean/groomed at work. Sane with teeth - he cleans them most days but I know he sometimes doesn't because I can hear him in the bathroom. He doesn't floss and I don't think he goes to the dentist unless he has toothache. His teeth aren't brilliant and he sometimes has bad breath. I wouldn't say overall that his personal hygiene is terrible, not enough to be offensive in public IYSWIM but it's less than I would be comfortable with for myself. I make an effort with my hygiene and appearance even though I'm on my own with baby DD a lot of the time and make sure my sheets are fresh etc. - I would do this for myself anyway but also feel it's respectful to your partner to be clean. He doesn't 'stink' or actually ever smell of sweat, it's just a less than fresh sort of 'manly' smell sometimes and I worry for his teeth because once they're gone, they're gone and I don't think he realises that you have to take more care of them than to just give them a brush most nights. Just wondered if this is kind of normal and I'm maybe BU by expecting him to do the same as me?

FloatyCat Fri 21-Apr-17 09:33:11

Doesn't sound dreadful tbh, but definitely room for improvement.

Fluffyears Fri 21-Apr-17 09:45:36

Normal in our house is a shower each morning and teeth brushed thoroughly twice a day. have you spoken to him about it?

justmatureenough2bdad Fri 21-Apr-17 09:46:53

" I wouldn't say overall that his personal hygiene is terrible, not enough to be offensive in public IYSWIM but it's less than I would be comfortable with for myself."

less than you would be comfortable with for myself doesn't make it terrible... he just has a different view to you.

"He doesn't 'stink' or actually ever smell of sweat, it's just a less than fresh sort of 'manly' smell sometimes"

This sounds pretty normal, especially if the "less than fresh" is after a long day at work in hot office/car around other busy people...

all in all, yabu

PanGalaticGargleBlaster Fri 21-Apr-17 09:46:55

I shower at least once a day before work and again after the gym which is three or four times a week. Clean teeth twice a day, no excuse for bad breath. Pretty much all my male peers follow a similar routine.

The only time the above changed was in my 20s when I was working on a building site and I showered after work when I got in rather then in the morning.

Moanyoldcow Fri 21-Apr-17 09:48:13

I think bare minimum is teeth brushed twice a day and a shower every day where possible. I used to be a total stickler for this but then I had a baby blush

I'd never go to work without showering either, late or not.

lastnightiwenttomanderley Fri 21-Apr-17 09:51:01

So, breaking that down:
He bathes about 5 times a week
He cleans his teeth most days
He doesn't floss
He only goes to the dentist if necessary
Sometimes has bad breath.
He doesn't ever smell.
He's only with you 4 nights a week so what happens on the other 3 is, really, an unknown.

Personally, sounds to me like there's a bit of 'YABU' on both sides. Teeth should be cleaned daily (HIBU). Personally I don;t floss as I have had fixed retainers since I was 15 but I do use interdent brushes. and go to the hygienist every 6m. Ditto dentist. So he needs to up his dental routine a bit.
As for not showering every morning? I leave that house at 6:30 each day. Showering (and then drying my hair) would mean I have to get up around 5:30...not happening! Plus, I get 2 trains and 2 tubes each way so I'm never going to be totally fresh! I do have a bath or shower pretty much every evening though. As you say he doesn't ever smell, I think YABU in this respect. The only reason you are questioning his hygiene is because his routine is different to yours, rather than there being an issue.

We also don't use harsh shower gels, detergents etc in our house because my son gets horrendous eczema if we do. It's interesting as it's made me so sensitive to the smell of it - I struggle at MILs with the onslaught of fragrances. I do think it's easy to assume that if someone doesn't smell of what we've been conditioned to think of as 'clean' (IYSWIM) that they're not. Do you think that could be a factor?

You mention that you think it's unprofessional not to be 'clean/groomed'. Does he look scruffy?

user1492759984 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:51:31

I haven't spoken to him other than asked if he's brushed his teeth on a couple of occasions but that made me feel like his mother so I haven't said anything else. I wanted to get some other opinions before I decide to speak to him about it because it's a bit awkward - I at least would be completely mortified if someone told me they thought my hygiene could be better! Although maybe he won't be as bothered.

Ladyformation Fri 21-Apr-17 09:52:22

Minimum is teeth twice a day and a bath/shower once a day. If you're a clean sleeper (some people are naturally sweatier in my experience), then no problem with washing in the evening rather than the morning. Crazy to think you can't be clean if you showered at 11pm rather than 7am...

also I quite like a physical manly smell

user1492759984 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:53:24

Definitely open to being told IABU - if this is pretty normal then maybe I need to accept it. Previous partners have been really scrupulous so maybe I've just become accustomed to it and it's not my current DP's problem

user1492759984 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:54:13

No he doesn't look scruffy, is smart for work.

ragz134 Fri 21-Apr-17 09:58:27

My husband bathes less often and doesn't use any showed gels etc as he doesn't like chemicals. He smells like a man, not of BO but just manly, I like it...
I don't always remember to brush teeth daily never mind twice a day, I have great teeth though. Personally I shower maybe 3 times a week, more if gym of work require it.
Everyone has a different 'normal'.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Fri 21-Apr-17 09:59:02

I don't bathe everyday.
Quick strip wash at the sink most mornings tho......half sink of's called "pits,tits and slit" in this house! grin

It's v damaging to the environment, we are all using far too much water, and what we do have, we poison with toxic chemicals.

Teeth should be brushed twice a day, but I don't floss and neither does anyone I know.

Unless you have a physical job, there is absolutely no need to shower every day, especially if you change your clothes.

Seriously...people wonder where all the water goes in summer....fuck the hosepipe ban this year, maybe we should address all these people using gallons of water everyday when they are adequetly clean in the firstplace.

And that's without the discussion about washing off the naturally protective oils in skin hair......

loveka Fri 21-Apr-17 09:59:24

I think lots of people do that. I wouldn't, but I don't see the problem if he isn't uncomfortable and doesn't smell.

He should do his teeth twice a day as he might end up with gum disease which is very expensive to put right.

Hulder Fri 21-Apr-17 10:02:51

Teeth should be twice a day. Loads of people don't floss.

Rest is OK as long as he doesn't smell - which he doesn't.

bowtieandheels Fri 21-Apr-17 10:04:17

Agree with LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle! grin

ppeatfruit Fri 21-Apr-17 10:06:06

I think that a daily shower is not important, (I have very dry skin) what IS important is to properly wash under the armpits (a nice deodorant helps too!) and the privates every morning. (and after sex). Plus the teeth of course. BUT it's what you eat that makes your breath smell or not.

RiseandGrind Fri 21-Apr-17 10:10:28

I have a very keen sense of smell and always know who has and hasnt showered in the morning. Some people can get away with it, some cant.

The minimum for me would be;
Morning : shower, brush teeth.
Evening: wash hands and face, brush & floss teeth.
If exercising then shower afterwards, fresh clothes etc.
Fresh clothes every day regardless.
Clean bedding every week unless youre a sweater then more often.
It really depends on age and hormones too. I dont smell as sweet as i did when i was young sadly so i shower at least twice a day in summer, three times if I'm going out at night.

Formalyknownas99 Fri 21-Apr-17 10:16:13

Lana: Quick strip wash at the sink most mornings tho......half sink of's called "pits,tits and slit" in this house!

100% This^^

roundaboutthetown Fri 21-Apr-17 10:23:13

Teeth should definitely be brushed daily. Flossing is less necessary, as recent research shows it makes no difference to tooth decay. I think showering in the morning is horrible - I prefer to shower before bedtime and do not sweat overnight. As for bathing every day - definitely not necessary for everyone (thankfully, given the huge amount of water that would otherwise be used...). Clearly in your DP's case, every other day is plenty.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle Fri 21-Apr-17 10:25:44

Nice to know I'm not the only one! grin

Obsidian77 Fri 21-Apr-17 10:26:48

I would think shower or bath at least once a day and clean teeth twice a day should be minimum for an adult but I have had people disagree energetically with me on this on other threads...
If you are noticing his bad breath and the fact he doesn't smell clean then it's a problem.

user1492759984 Fri 21-Apr-17 10:31:07

I think it's very clear that there's no such thing as 'normal'! And that's fair enough. Ok I think I will say something about visiting the dental hygienist regularly and then they can advise him if necessary. As for washing - maybe I need to embrace the 'manliness' a bit more grin

Leviticus Fri 21-Apr-17 10:34:39

I can tell when people don't floss. The bits of food that are rotting between your teeth smell. Don't kid yourselves.

StarryIllusion Fri 21-Apr-17 10:36:21

I think the minimum is a whores wash as my nan used to call it in the sink of a morning and teeth brushed morning and night.

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