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To not care that he's a 'different man now' (triggers sexual assault)

(65 Posts)
TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 01:42:05

So when I was 14/15, on and off until I was 17, I was dating this awful guy. He hit me fairly frequently, and once attacked me at our school gates. I finally managed to steel myself to end things when he raped me (not violent, blackmail, so I was told it wasn't actually rape, so I'm super sorry if that's the wrong word to use, but I was seriously coerced).
Cut to 7 years later, he's just tried to add me on Facebook. I've been married for two years, and had been working hard on dealing with my past, the abuse from this boy being part of it.
I thought he was blocked, but apparently not, and he messaged me explaining that we should put the past behind us, that no one was to blame for what happened (this is thematic of him, he always says it was my fault too because I 'teased' or I 'made' him angry). He says he's grown up and engaged and is different now.
AIBU to not give a flying fuck that he's different? Even if he is, I still get the final say on who is in my life right?
Sorry for typos/formatting, I'm on mobile.

GinSwigmore Fri 21-Apr-17 01:52:34

You poor love. Don't engage with the fucker. Don't reply. Do sort your privacy settings. Do block him now. Do tell your partner if you can.
Do screenshot the message if it incriminates him.

Catherinebee85 Fri 21-Apr-17 01:52:53

Ignore and block him. He's not different as he's still trying to explain away his actions from years ago and completely minimise them. And why get in touch anyway, what does he expect to get from this?

Ignore him, block him, continue with your life as you were doing before he got in touch.


TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 02:01:02

I don't know why he wants to get back in touch, this has been a pattern though. He frequently harasses my best friend about me, but gets incredibly short shrift from him. He's always struggled with no, and I have spent so long forgiving his behaviour, accepting my share of the blame. It's only recently I've been able to feel angry about what he did.
The message isn't incriminating. My profile is already completely locked down, I'm a teacher. But I have blocked him, it is easy to find me, I'm literally the only person on it with my name, so it made sense.
I didn't reply, it's just, he acted so confident, and he always does. You know when people are so sure of their own bullshit that you start to think maybe you're wrong?

GinSwigmore Fri 21-Apr-17 02:13:23

You're not wrong.
But you do know the prick hasn't changed.
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference
For someone who is a control freak and won't accept the word No, the very best weapon is absolute silence. It'll rile and frustrate the twat. Delete* the message. Go on with your life. flowers
* if the bloke is definitely now blocked. Keep or screenshot if you think there is any danger, however remote, of him harassing you.

TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 02:20:20

Thank you, it's just, I feel pathetic but it's difficult. I'm normally super feisty and strong, but when that's been met with a fist, you flinch. Him being in my life at all, is dangerous for me, for my well being. And he'll never understand that.
I have screen shotted the message, thanks. Just in case, he's been known to not want to stop until someone has told him something.

whoareyoureally113 Fri 21-Apr-17 02:25:39

Block him!

Actually before blocking him, state that if he ever gets in touch again, or contacts your friends asking about you. You will go to the police. Report the rape and get him done for harassment. Put the shitners up him.

Men like him, scum of the earth. Hope this hasn't knocked you back flowers

kateandme Fri 21-Apr-17 02:32:08

stay my opinion someone can change there behaviours now (doubt it) but to be this cruel to somone in the past.nope that's horrendous and he cant ever move on from this.
he didn't do a little steal from the tuck shop or hit someone in a fight both wrong but explained in some sense. he was cruel he emotional and pyshically hurt you.
stay away hun for your own piece of mind.
even if he has you want to talk to him or have him in your life. let him be who he wants to be now and ask yourself what you want,who you want to be and want in your life. if hes not going to add anything or if hes making you feel all this crap again then keep your distance.
and don't overthink it.your perfectly within your right to to be able to get passed this.
don't let him fester into more of your time.that the only reason to move on.for you not him.
you can still be strong and feisty.noone is strong against voilance.noone can be feisty against such cruelty. but you still are these things ok.your still you.
you got away I think that makes you the bravest strongest thing ever.
keep what makes you what heals you.xx

SamoanSamosa Fri 21-Apr-17 02:57:33

I would message him to let him know plainly that It is always an abusers fault when they abuse. It is not the job of the victim to 'move on and forgive' unless they fucking choose to. And if he contacts you again in any form You will go to the police and report the rape and report him for harassment.

flowers for you. I'm so angry on your behalf that this fucker thinks he can just tell you how to react and how to feel and what to do!!!

AcrossthePond55 Fri 21-Apr-17 03:13:07

I'm so sorry that happened to you when you were so young.

If he keeps trying to push himself into your life (probably to convince himself that he didn't assault you) then I think you should speak to a solicitor about the possibility of getting some type of restraining order.

And I'd also ask my best friend to not tell me when he's contacted by this person, that it's upsetting and you'd rather not know and for him to just tell him to fuck off.

TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 03:17:12

Thing is, I've changed drastically, and been through a lot the past seven years. What twenty something recognises their teenage self!!
Thank you, all, for the support, it really helps reaffirm what he is doing is wrong.
I just hate that it's all starting again now. Undoubtedly my best friend will wake up to a message from him (they're on GMT, I'm GMT+8) and he's messaged my parents before too (they sided with him, whole other thing).
Mt husband knows, and is unhappy but incredibly supportive of whatever action I take. Unfortunately I don't think police involvement is an option until I'm not in the UK anymore.

TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 03:17:33

Not an option until I'm back in the UK even.

Qwebec Fri 21-Apr-17 03:19:23

Agree with everyone above. Also there does not need to be violence and blackmail for it to be rape. You did not consent and he coerced you.

If you are interested, finding sexual assault related support can help you.

TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 03:22:34

I have been to a therapist for this, unfortunately this boy is one of the milder issues from my childhood, I was also a victim of CSE when I was much younger. At uni I was referred for specialist therapy that really helped and helped me be angry. It took a long time and this just feels like a big kick to the chest.

YouBloodyWhat Fri 21-Apr-17 03:49:13

Just ignore and block. Do not give him a second thought.


Hidingtonothing Fri 21-Apr-17 04:10:39

I have occasionally seen the man who raped me around the village where my DM lives so, although I haven't had to deal with him contacting me, I know how it feels for them to crash into your present when you had consigned them to the past. You're right, it is like a kick in the chest and definitely knocks you off kilter, that feeling must be even worse when he's actively trying to contact you.

I don't think I'd give him the satisfaction of a response and I'd ask your friend to ignore him too, any reaction will be like a chink in your armour to him. Make sure you have some support in place in case you need it, it's bound to be unsettling and upsetting so make sure you take care of yourself flowers

Justanothernameonthepage Fri 21-Apr-17 05:31:53

Please don't engage. This man is an abuser and has shown no remorse. He's still trying to hold power over you by forcing contact. If he was a different man, at the very least he would apologize.

TheKrakenSmith Fri 21-Apr-17 06:38:27

Thank you so much everyone.
Just to be completely clear, he's blocked and I won't be communicating with him. I've also asked my friend not to tell me if he hears from him either.
Also, I really appreciate the support.
As I said, my parents took his side very much, and everyone I've mentioned this to (bar my husband and best friend) has said that he's grown out of it, and that he'll be better now, because we were so young when it happened.
But it wasn't like he punched me once you know (not that that would be OK but it's quite different to a campaign of abuse and could be played off as a youthful error)? I've been made to feel completely insane, so to be validated just means the world to me.

Justanothernameonthepage Fri 21-Apr-17 07:55:54

I get so angry at the way a lot of abusers get let off their behaviour and it gets put down to any number of excuses. (Weirdly the excusers don't seem to be so forgiving of the victims). But so glad you didn't stay a victim and was able to escape. And just to reaffirm, what he did was abuse. He raped and assaulted you. He is still trying to control and intimidate you by forcing contact. He is a dick.

jay55 Fri 21-Apr-17 08:23:57

Well done for moving on and making it out. You've clearly a great husband and career and being happy is always the best revenge.

MickeyRooney Fri 21-Apr-17 08:25:45

Ignore him.
Pls don't give him the attention he's so desperately needy for.

Madwoman5 Fri 21-Apr-17 08:37:36

He has not changed...he is seeking your confirmation that his behaviour was acceptable. He has not taken responsibility for his actions at all and until he does, he will always be an abuser. Having sex with a minor is an offence but he does not see that as you were a willing participant at the time. Your final act was the right one and you have stood your ground and built the strength to make something of yourself despite your past. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors so your parents siding with him without thinking of the devastation and feeling of betrayal that would cause you is plain stupid. Move on and never feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

Thinkingblonde Fri 21-Apr-17 08:47:24

He hasn't changed, not one iota.
He hasn't apologised for his behaviour or accepted that what he did to you was abhorrent, no, he's still abusing you by putting the blame onto you.
Block and ignore, if he still tries it on tell him to you'll report him for rape.

corythatwas Fri 21-Apr-17 08:51:48

If he had changed, he would be struggling with a heavy burden of guilt and the last thing he would want to do would be to be Facebook friends with you. He hasn't changed.

SmileEachDay Fri 21-Apr-17 08:55:42

Don't apologise for using a wrong term. If you didn't consent, it was rape. If he coerced you, it was rape.

I believe you.

You're amazing for getting therapy for being a victim of CSE - in the same way that was not your fault, nothing this man did was your fault. The only thing that stops rape is men not raping.

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