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AIBU?

To feel a bit off about what my dp said?

286 replies

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:25

There is some back story to this but far too much to list but...

Bit of background info - been with my partner for two years, we have an 8 month old baby together and then my 3yo from my previous relationship. His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky but just lately he's been putting in a bit more effort and it immediately shows. My daughter seems to like him a lot more and is enjoying his company a lot more.

The other day they were playing, my dd was rubbing his face in a playful way, got a bit heavy handed and just as I was reminding her to play gently he batted her arm away.l quite forcefully. Immediately I told him to be careful and to be more gentle. He went off on one saying that I expect him to allow her to smack him in the face. That's not true at all, which is why I reminded her to be gentle straight away.

This morning baby was playing with baby wipes (as they do!) my 3yo is learning about sharing with her sister at the moment but this morning decided baby shouldn't have the wipes and kept taking them away. This resulted in dp snatching them off her and giving them back to the baby. I told him not to snatch and to explain why he'd taken them off her. This left my dd in a bit of a grump and she went to the sofa. 5 minutes later I can hear them bickering (ridiculous, I know) so I came into the lounge and said what now?! He told me my dd had been telling him to leave the baby alone and to go away. He then said "I'm not Going to have anyone tell me to stop playing with my own daughter"

That one comment has stayed with me all day and I can't seem to shake it.

I did say at the time that dd isn't just any old someone, she's effectively his step child in the family unit. I don't expect him to call her his own but I really feel that that comment really draws a line between both of the children.

Plus she's three!!!

He then said he's sick of this shit. Shit meaning me having a word about things and disagreeing with his treatment of my dd. He says it's everyday but as her mum I'm never going to sit back and do nothing if I'm not happy with something I've seen or heard.

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

OP posts:

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PointlessUsername · 20/04/2017 23:28

He sounds horrible.

GolderAndWiser · 20/04/2017 23:32

That does not sound good...................

You'd like to think that he would just be so determined to fake loving them both the same that one day he'd realise he did. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen. He sounds always conscious that one child is his and the other is not.

chastenedButStillSmiling · 20/04/2017 23:32

Yes, it's not right. BUT.....

It's entirely normal for an older sib to feel displaced when a baby comes along.

It's entirely understandable that your DH is looking out for the baby.

And ditto that you're looking out for all of them.

You all need to get used to the change that's going on. I guess on some level your DD doesn't want to feel 'ditched' by her step-dad, esp if they've recently go on better. He needs to understand how important he is to her.

You'll come through this!

ThePinkOcelot · 20/04/2017 23:32

He does sound horrible. I would LTB. He could just get worse a she gets older and it will be more noticeable to her.

Fishface77 · 20/04/2017 23:34

Gosh he sounds awful!
To some degree chastened is right, family dynamics have changed and everyone needs to get used to them but that's. I excuse to be a cunt to a 3 year old!

Fishface77 · 20/04/2017 23:34

*no

Moanyoldcow · 20/04/2017 23:35

Nope, you are completely right. This is not good behaviour.

It's a bit mad having a baby with someone after 6 months, you would've barely known him. Children test the strongest relationships let alone new ones. Add a stepchild into the mix and this is a volatile situation.

If I were you I'd be keeping a really close eye but be expecting the relationship not to have legs. Not being able to be kind to my daughter as a default position would be a deal breaker. Kindness is a much underrated quality - says a lot about a person.

amprev · 20/04/2017 23:35

I couldn't respect an adult who couldn't differentiate between a child and an adult. In bickering with your DD, he is openly displaying his immaturity. I think even your DD is attuned to this. Good luck in trying to help him see your point of view - he sounds like he may err on the side of being defensive.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/04/2017 23:36

He's being a complete tosser.

RainbowJack · 20/04/2017 23:37

Aibu to think something is a bit off?

And you didn't think about that when you chose a man over your child?

GolderAndWiser · 20/04/2017 23:38

I believe that a decent, kind, caring man would understand that for everybody in the family unit's sake, he must love them both equally. Love as a verb Sounds a bit trite, like some thing you read on Elephant Journal but really, fake it til he makes it. Love-as-verb them both till it becomes real and indestinguishable. I know a woman who was the eldest child in the family in this situation and she and her Dad are really close. He went in to the family feeling honoured to be a part of the family though I think. Her dad has always made her feel he got lucky getting to be her Dad. That's how it should be. I don't know wht the answer is though. If your partner doesnt understand this and feel it and want that to be the way it is then you are going to be pushing water uphill trying to protect your eldest daughter's feelings, trying to ''minimise the impact'' of your eldest daughter's normal childlike behaviours on your partner, and trying to feel relaxed yourself, while walking a tightrope

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:38

So I'm not imagining it then.

Tonight since he's been back from work he's made no effort to reassure me, only focussing on the fact I said his attitude towards her was foul. He thinks I said that he is foul, which I didn't.

I'm in such a horrible predicament

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 20/04/2017 23:38

When a grown man argues with and takes against a three year old there is something very very wrong indeed, it's like being with someone who hurts puppies,

I'd honestly not be able to be with someone who was like this round children, never mind my own,

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:39

Rainbow, where have I chosen a man over my child??

OP posts:

mumofone1234 · 20/04/2017 23:40

That comment was horrible. He spoke of your DD as if she was an adult, rather than just a three year old being silly. Some strength of feeling there. I can see why you are concerned. I would be. Does he ever look after your DD by himself?

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:40

I'm really grateful for all of your insight.

It's so so difficult, I've had countless conversations with him but he somehow always manages to make me feel like I've over reacted

OP posts:

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:42

Mumofone - no he doesn't, I wouldn't leave her with him because I don't agree with his parenting.

It's very stressful.

OP posts:

GolderAndWiser · 20/04/2017 23:42

If you go out OP, does he look after both girls? Or is there always the 'reason' that one of the kids is not yours to leave him off the hook for all childcare?

The reason I ask that is because if that IS the case then you would be no worse off without him really. Your level of freedom wouldn't change.

If he's happy to look after both girls while you go out then I apologise!

Nickanickname · 20/04/2017 23:43

It doesn't sound like you are really helping him to feel like her father if you are telling him off in front of her. When i disagree with the way my dh parents our DC i speak to him about it in private. You undermining him in that way underlines the fact that you are the one with a direct relationship with her.

Not to say there isn't something a bit off in the way he is behaving, but i don't think the issue is just with him.

Moanyoldcow · 20/04/2017 23:43

If you don't agree with his parenting and he's not willing to change there is no future. I'm sorry but it's not possible to have a healthy family dynamic where one parent doesn't trust the other with the children.

SumThucker · 20/04/2017 23:44

Awful situation, OP.

And you didn't think about that when you chose a man over your child?

Where on earth is that from?

Ricecrispies16 · 20/04/2017 23:44

I don't believe for a minute that he would ever hurt her I just feel he's too harsh with her. He expects her to behave like an adult.

OP posts:

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Semaphorically · 20/04/2017 23:45

He really doesn't understand that she's three, does he? He's behaving like she's another adult (or like he's another child), he's making no allowances at all for the fact that she's still practically a baby

There's something quite wrong about that behaviour. I agree with Bluntness, it's similar to someone harming a puppy - how can he not see the innocence?

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 23:45

How many children did you say you have ?

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2017 23:47

His relationship with my daughter has been a bit rocky

Since you moved in together or before?

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