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To think I should have just married a boy from my home town?

(143 Posts)
creepymumweirdo Thu 20-Apr-17 22:00:28

Instead I found my DH is London, where neither of us are from and neither wanted to stay, and now we're both doomed to be miserable where ever we live.

We grew up on opposite sides of the country. When in our twenties and living in London, the rural ideal he holds so dear seemed appealing. I had 'outgrown' the place I grew up and was tired of family ties. I wanted to start something anew as a family, be unconventional, romantic and alternative. I know, I was a dick.

Four years later and we live in said rural backwater with our one year old. DH has his old school friends and parents close by. He enjoys his work and the people he interacts with on a daily basis give him a sense of belonging and wellbeing. Mostly he feels 'at home'.

I have no friends, no family within 250 miles, a job I find dissatisfying and no energy left by the time I've battled all these things (not to mention bringing up a toddler) to be the idealistic, artistic, interesting woman he fell in love with. All my time is taken up with work, chores and parenting in total isolation. My emotional energy is zero. I put this down to living where we do (and the monumentally shit birth experience I had followed by a year of impenetrable loneliness). He blames me for being lazy and conventional. I blame him for being insensitive and immature.

We talk about living somewhere else, maybe nearer my family, but not necessarily. It always comes down to him feeling dissatisfied anywhere else and thinking I'm betraying our shared 'vision' of what our life would be when we hatched our plan to move, have babies etc. So moving gets taken off the agenda again.

I'm so tired of struggling to make a life here. I feel like all my best qualities (sociability, love of culture, enthusiasm for change, being part of a big family) are quashed rather than celebrated. I feel guilty because he thought he was getting something and he got me instead. But life and marriage and family are full of unexpected twists and turns, and I'm open to any suggestions that might meet some of both our needs. It always ends in a row.

Am I being unreasonable to worry that this meeting of young, naive minds is doomed? What the hell do I do for the good of my new family?

Sorry for the inarticulate, self indulgent ranting. Thanks for getting this far.

Graceflorrick Thu 20-Apr-17 22:04:56

This sounds really difficult OP. Could you afford a small property nearer to your family/friends or near London as a holiday home or vice Versa?

My DH and I live away from family and childhood friends, but 12 years in we are both very happy.

UppityHumpty Thu 20-Apr-17 22:06:57

Regardless of how he feels, you are unhappy. You can't have a happy and a miserable partner in a healthy relationship. Does he know exactly how unhappy you are? You should talk about it openly without attaching it to wanting to move, maybe get some counselling too. It sounds like you could be depressed.

creepymumweirdo Thu 20-Apr-17 22:13:42

I should have added skint to the list. We are stoney broke and barely scrape a living together in rented housing. DH works 4 days a week and doesn't want to work any more. I got a job when DS was 8 months old (having had an emergency hysterectomy when he was 3 months because of undiagnosed birth complications) and I'm increasing my hours to full time soon to try to make our financial situation better, despite wishing I could have more time at home with my only child while he's young.

Sorry if that counts as a drip feed. Probably outed myself now but what the hell.

dinosaursandtea Thu 20-Apr-17 22:16:34

Your DH sounds like a selfish, immature prick. Doesn't WANT to work more than 4 days a week? Tough!

helpneededormaybegin Thu 20-Apr-17 22:18:13

Not self indulgent at all. My OH is from a tiny village in the countryside and I'm a townie through and through. We've talked about moving to the countryside when we have children but I've been very clear - and he's been very supportive - of the fact that I will always be within an hour of my family.

I guess you've tried it his way now. Is it maybe his turn to try it your way? He would probably need to go full time at work, so you have more cash to move / relocate etc. Snoopy question but are you otherwise happy in your relationship?

PNGirl Thu 20-Apr-17 22:18:49

How rural are we talking? Is there scope to move to a town or city that's still within commuting distance?

My husband and I both live 200 miles from family (in different directions) but we get on so well and have lived away from family so long (13 years) that it feels normal and "fair" because neither family trumps the other. You may need to really push for change on this even if you argue.

antimatter Thu 20-Apr-17 22:22:43

What are his hours in his 4 days job?

I feel you are feeling hard done by. I know I would. Is your dh going to stay at home to look after your child on days you are at work?

Dustbunnies Thu 20-Apr-17 22:24:32

OP your posts describe exactly how I've felt since moving away from a city to have a baby. The lonliness, the isolation, the skintness, the shit birth experience, everything. The only difference is that it was my hometown that we moved to! I'm almost 3 years in and still fantasise daily about going back to the city I lived in previously. Is there a large town/city you could move to near to where you are at the moment as a compromise? That way your DH still has his old ties nearby and you might be able to find yourself again.

creepymumweirdo Thu 20-Apr-17 22:25:50

Not snoopy, a fair question. I think we are otherwise happy, yes. We've always been great together in the past. Recently I can't distinguish between these things hampering our relationship in other ways, or our relationship struggling in other ways because of the fundamental differences that cause this conflict. If that makes any sense at all.confused

UppityHumpty Thu 20-Apr-17 22:27:33

What hours does he work across 4 days? Why is he only working 4 days? Also what hours would he work, and how would you split/afford childcare? You might just end up making the problem worse if you're paying all your salary in childcare.

Beebeeeight Thu 20-Apr-17 22:27:56

Sounds like you are suffering loss of future dcs after your op.

You've been through hell.

Your dp should be more empathetic

Only 4 days working when you are stuck renting!

Wow

creepymumweirdo Thu 20-Apr-17 22:29:36

It's RURAL. Think moors, mountains, farming communities and some people speaking a different first language.

We could move to a big city an hour or so away, but DH poo pops the idea. It's either here, or near my family on the other side of the country, in an area he hates. I've tried to suggest we find things we both like in somewhere new or neutral but he says that's the worst of both worlds.

helpneededormaybegin Thu 20-Apr-17 22:31:12

Makes a lot of sense. I can't sympathise as I'm not in your situation but I get the tug of "home" is strong for you both. I suppose it's about who it's stronger for, to put it crudely. Right now you haven't got the support mechanisms in place that he has, but you're the one in need of them. Increasing your hours will mean more childcare costs I presume? Your partner really needs to be picking up that extra day to support his family - as it is "his" dream you're living at the mo, so he should make it as pleasant an experience for you as possible. Do your family know how you're feeling?

ByeByeBadman Thu 20-Apr-17 22:32:20

That sounds so tough. Don't cling to the shared vision of idealistic youngsters. We learn and evolve and when you try stuff and it doesn't work (and this hasn't) then you try something new.

This is what your dp needs to understand.

What is it you need? To be nearer friends? Family? Employers?

Hatch a new plan and make it happen. You cant carry on this unhappy.

Vegansnake Thu 20-Apr-17 22:32:22

Go back home..nothing to stop you..if your husband loves you he will come to...if he dosnt,well he was going to put you first was he?... where were you happiest? Head back there.good luck

scootinFun Thu 20-Apr-17 22:33:22

Can I ask why he only works 4 days? Does he do childcare on the other day to support you working? Is there no way you could move closer to a job that fulfils you at all? It sounds really an awful situation to be in.

ImperialBlether Thu 20-Apr-17 22:35:18

Everyone working full time would like to work four days a week, ffs!

Blossomdeary Thu 20-Apr-17 22:36:43

Once your child is at pre-school you will find it easier to make friends - offer to be on the committee and get involved.

Darbs76 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:37:05

I understand, I moved from wales to London 16yrs ago, met someone local - long story short not together anymore but I'm stuck here as kids are settled in school and wouldn't be fair to move them so far away and they'd hate it. My family and close friends are all miles away and although I have local friends in my job my true friends are there and when I go back I feel truly at home. It's a tough one. Your child is young enough though, you need to have a proper chat about it. Think about the house prices! But you'd need employment. It's a tough one but don't keep suffering start a plan

DistanceCall Thu 20-Apr-17 22:37:32

Go back home..nothing to stop you..

No, just the fact that they share a one-year-old. Once you have children with someone, you will have a relationship with them, of one kind or another, for life.

I don't think you should focus on being close to your respective families so much. Life is not all about family. What sort of things to you both enjoy?

QuintessentialShadow Thu 20-Apr-17 22:38:25

He wants it all perfect for him?

near his family and friends?
not work more than 4 days so he can have 3 days off, in exchange of being skint?

Dont worry about YOU not being what he wanted, worry more about HIM having misadvertised himself! You are getting a bad deal here.

CoolCarrie Thu 20-Apr-17 22:39:53

Oh OP, I know just how you feel

FinnegansCake Thu 20-Apr-17 22:40:09

Your situation sounds difficult. You mention that your DH has his parents close by - how is your relationship with them? Have they welcomed you into their family with open arms, or do they keep their distance from you?

It sounds as though you feel completely alienated in your current environment, and this is exacerbated by the fact that your DH has everything he needs for his social well-being and has happily slotted back into his place in his hometown, so that his experience of the country life is completely different to yours, as an outsider.

You've had a tough time, and don't mention that you felt supported. Also, the fact that your DH doesn't want to work more than four days a week when you are struggling financially sounds selfish. Is he self-centred in general?

I can well understand you wanting to move closer to your own family, OP, you sound very lonely and unhappy, and not self-indulgent in the least.

Obsidian77 Thu 20-Apr-17 22:40:44

Sounds utterly miserable.
Are you having treatment or support following the hysterectomy?
The way you describe the real you sounds like a rural location is just a terrible fit for your interests, personality and aspirations.
How can he blame you for being lazy when he won't up his working hours?
How does he see your future long-term, if you stayed there?
It doesn't sounds as though he is acknowledging how much you have sacrificed to let him live the life he wants.

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