aibu? Certain in-laws are vile(36 Posts)
I've been a lurker for a while and I would genuinely like some thoughts please. I will try not to drip feed but equally not go on and on!
Hubby is from broken home. Parents split when he was small. Still has contact/relationship with both parents. We are married with two daughters. His dad and wife live some way away so we don't see them very often, but when we do, they make effort etc. His mum is close by. He has a sister with a son. My SIL and MIL have basically turned his family against me. They are all horrid to me and make digs at me and snipe at me. As an example, in my line of work I have experienced very unsavoury adults and so we have requested no photos of our young girls put onto social media without asking. At a recent event set up by SIL photos were taken by MIL and I politely said 'please don't put onto FB' she came over smiling, lent into me and whispered 'i will do what the f^*k I like with my photos' and walked away smiling to people as if she was whispering something pleasant! This same event I was not catered for (severe allergies) despite SIL knowing. I have literally seen SIL twice in last 9months.
Now my AIBU....AIBU to now really not give a hoot about the MIL, SIL and that branch of family and keep contact at bare minimum, if only so my DD know mil or should I be making more effort for DD to know SIL, despite her self righteous and wholly unpleasant attitude?
I should add DH sticks up for me and sees their behaviour and tries to encourage me to rise above it and ignore it, which I try to do but doesn't stop me feeling an outsider and unable to provide my DD with the family relationships on that side that they have with my family.
Not unreasonable in my opinion. If they can't honour your valid reasons for not wanting photos of your children on social media, then I should say you are within your rights to make efforts to ensure that they don't have the opportunity to take photos of your children.
My SIL and MIL have basically turned his family against me. They are all horrid to me and make digs at me and snipe at me
Why? There is always a back story.
I wouldn't blame you for having NC with them, and it sounds like your DH would support you too. With regards to the photos of your DC going on Facebook without your permission, that is totally out of line. If they cannot respect you as a mum, a DIL, a SIL or even a human being than there is no reason why you should show any respect for them. Don't let them treat you this way, you deserve more than treading on egg shells each time you see them. Just because they are 'family' doesn't mean you have to put it up with it.
This is where you nees to find some courage and call her out
I would have and have done something like this
I would have said straight after the whisper out loud
Please dont be so rude to me .then i would say why dont you tell your son what you said as he thinks the same as me about photos .dont worry i will tell him now.then go tell him what was said also remind her that the kids are yours. And if she cant listen it will be skype calls only as you wont be told how to bring up your kids
I know its a hard thing to do but she is relying on you not saying anything so she can be lady of the mannor
Doesn't your DH have issues with his DDs safety being compromised? Did he have nothing to say to his mum about the way she spoke to you? Did he stuff his face while you went uncatered for?
Telling you to ignore it isn't good enough. He should be standing up for his family.
At this rate I'd be making zero effort with people like that. They wouldn't have access to my children if they didn't take their safety seriously.
"Broken home". Well that's not a winning attitude is it? What happened op?
Report their photos when they come up on fb.
As for nc - YANBU to completely go nc. Actually I think you should do it. Your kids deserve better than this.
You are the gatekeeper to your dd. If sil and mil cannot be arsed to maintain civil relationships with you and respect your safety rules for dd, nc. If dh wants to see them then fine, he goes alone. Yanbu
Your MIL sounds horrendous, especially in compromising the safety of your children.
I agree with previous poster, don't give them the opportunity to take photos. Don't see them.
I think you should be able to report any pictures and FB should remove them.
Good luck. In-laws can be so testing! 🙄
I would have whispered back immediately: '^Then you don't get to see your dgc anymore. Now fuck off^' whilst smiling winningly.
I wouldn't bother with them myself.
Is your husband close to them ?
I'm genuinely unsure. It's been a gradual thing over the last ten years! Initially it started with little things like 'oh your pregnant, it's not right to have children without being married, that's not something I will do' when we finally conceived our first dd.
Another time we were celebrating a birthday of some relations and DD was encouraged to smack someone as a joke. DD was around 18mths and both DH and I said not to and MIL turned to another family member and said 'see she always has an opinion' so I replied with 'yes I do have one as far as my DD'.
One time I let mil have benefit of doubt to watch DD whilst we were out. DD was asleep when we left but MIL woke her up cos she wanted to see her.
DH cousin once called me out on a fb site for my opinion which was literally what we had done at our wedding and I was explaining and it then was screwnshotted and sent round family as malicious intent when I had only explained what we had done!
I say 'broken home' there was an affair, arson, running out in middle of night amongst other things so it wasnt a simple divorce. There was a lot of tooing and froing etc. I meant no offence. Just how hubby refers to it.
He helped me get something to eat- a member of staff actually gave me her lunch!!!! I didn't tell immediately. Just said we were leaving and explained in the car on way home.
I did wonder if it was me but on his father side we have no issues and would seem DH DSS have similar issues with SIL
I don't think I ever recommended that someone go NC before, but considering they are so irresponsible about posting photos on fb against your child's safety, I think this will be my first.
Not particularly close. Even little things like I got SIL a small gift and easter egg for DN and sent via DH grandad and I still get 'why can't you take yourself?' i am polite for his sake. But I can hardly say 'SIL is vile to me so I don't feel like making the hour and half journey to their house when you are having her visit you'.
Why does there always have to be a backstory? Some people are just batshit or nasty.
and when you told him how she spoke to you was he not appalled?
Would he support you in keeping DD away from the MIL?
Be honest how much support is he really capable of? If you're not a united front then MIL/SIL will always be nasty. There's nothing keeping them in check. They single you out, alienate you from wider family, DH not much support = you Easy Target.
He was not impressed but then again, I didn't want to make a fuss in front of his grandad and make more of an issue of the situation - just remove myself from it. MIL waits til I am on my own and then when I say anything I sound like I'm nuts!
DH is trying to keep the peace out of respect for his elderly grandfather which I am in support of as I really love him as my own. But equally it's pretty pants when you have spent years trying to be a nice to someone and finally realise it was a pointless exercise lol
Hello OP, your inlaws are showing total disregard for your wishes with regards to your daughter. They do not respect you at best and at worst, are abusive towards you (the incident with your MIL whispering in your ear is horrible and not normal in most families).
Your DH sounds supportive however, why is he encouraging you to rise above it?
If his mother and father cannot treat the mother of his child better than this - then why on earth would he expect you just to put up with it?
These people are toxic and I would never say lightly that you should go NC, but it is clear to me that they have no intention of building a positive relationship with you - one day, your daughter will notice this and wonder why.
I think you should go nc with them, is there anyway you can see the grandpa without seeing them?
My FIL and DH SM are not like this.
Thank you for all your responses.
I guess it came to light again today and I wanted to check if I perhaps am being unreasonable.
DH says to not lower myself or be like them cos I am not that kind of person. Which he is right. But I am just fed up of them!
just read another thread with OP complaining (rightly) about DH & MIL and so many people were encouraging OP to leave him ASAP. Vile attitude to try to play a soap opera out vicariously through some one else real life.
But in this OPs case i do think those calling for NC have a massive point. MIL has nothing to offer you, do you want people like that around your kids? it will always cause issues.
Fuck em, they aren't worth your time. just don't engage and save your time for people who matter.
sorry you are having this grief OP. My FIL is a shit to me and while it has upset me loads in the past i now give him the absolute minimum of my attention and look down on him with the contempt he deserves. my MIL is fab but i will never go away with them again while he is alive and avoid conversations with him in family settings.
Sorry he needs to prioritise his wife and daughter over his grandad. So what if it all kicks off. They have no respect for you and they have no respect for him. If they did they would at least manage to be civilised to you.
If you don't get tough there is no solution to this, brace yourself for the inevitable and endless twattery from them.
The refusal to respect your wishes regarding your DD photos on FB would be an absolute deal breaker for me, she's showing a complete disregard for your DD potential safety and to me neither MIL or SIL are to be trusted around DD.
Let your DH deal with them, they sound vile.
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