Am I not taking a hint from a friend or AIBU(158 Posts)
DH and I are very good friends with another couple, we both grew up with the guy from primary school and he moved 3 hours away when he was 16 but we've stayed in touch since. We got married, he married a girl from where he is now and we both have young children, they're god parents to our eldest and vice versa, we've been on big holidays together, go away for weekends together ect (you get the picture) all was the same until last august we were all talking about booking a big Christmas holiday to the Caribbean. They are a lot better off than us financially but we try our best to keep up when they want to be a bit more extravagant (but do say no if we can't go) so went along looking for holidays with them. We told them from the start our budget was about half of what there's was and that I'm big on xmas so would fly any day Boxing Day or afterwards but didn't want to be gone for xmas day, time wise didn't matter to them so we agreed to try to find a happy medium. It took weeks of back and forthing when they came up with a holiday that was more there budget than ours and which also flew 3 days before Christmas and didn't get back until after the new year. DH said that Christmas was a deal breaker for me but he liked the hotel they found so would look for other dates and get back to them. I spoke to her 2 days later to arrange a day out meeting with the kids and I said we can finally get this holiday sorted as well and she was like oh... he's already booked ours? Did I not know? She was under the impression that when he spoke to my DH about the deal he found that he told him he was going to go with it but that's not how it was left our end. Anyway my DH got a bit peed off and said for me to make my excuses for the meet up as he was annoyed with them. We eventually met up child free a few weeks later for a night out just the 4 of us and there was no atmosphere or tension or anything, everything was fine but that's over 6 months ago and we haven't seen them since? Which is very unusual! I send her kids little gifts all the time, sent a big Halloween hamper as I felt bad I wouldn't see the girls to give them any sweets, sent valentines gifts and cards to the girls (which we usually do for each other's kids) but received nothing for my DCs, sent her youngest a birthday present, let her know it was on its way and when I checked to see had it got there she said oh yes we did receive a rocking horse a couple of days who but didn't know if it was from you or someone else who said they were sending something. I speak to her every other week at least and try to arrange a meet up but there's always an excuse. I spent £45 on an egg hamper for her kids at Easter and she sent a little egg each for mine. I'm not being ungrateful at all, if it had been that on its own I wouldn't have even noticed but with everything else it's stood out to me.
The only thing it could be other than the holiday is Christmas presents. They sent mine presents before they left but I haven't sent theirs yet as they're much too big and heavy to post (a big Costco doll house and all accessories for it) which is why I've been so desperately trying to arrange a meet up to give it to them! But I think it was the holiday that kicked it all off as normally we'd have met up loads before Christmas. I didn't get a birthday card which I always do, Yesterday was our anniversary and they always send flowers and a card and this time they didn't even send a text. Its not about what they're not sending, if they would agree to meet up it'd put my mind at rest that everything's okay but what's bothering me is that's right now it's all one sided. It's their anniversary in 2 weeks and normally I'd send flowers and a card but am I just making a fool of myself pushing myself on them when they're looking very disinterested in us? But then I don't want to seem petty for not doing what I'd normally do in case there's other reasons for their distancing themselves from us? I'm upset about it as they are our closest friends and DH is getting more annoyed with them and telling me not to bother but I'm not like that? What should I do? I don't want to out and ask them if there's a problem as I know they'll say no regardless? AIBU to be thinking like this?
Sorry for such a long post thanks if you made it to the bottom lol
Could be the Christmas presents. Why not say at the time 'come and pick it up'? The lack of mentioning the gifts until April would probably come across as a slight.
Ask them. You can't sit and stew.
It's sounds like an awful lot of gifts and cards are going on! Maybe they are finding the friendship a bit full on and want to scale it back a little.
I told her at Christmas that I have the presents and when they get back from the holiday we'll arrange to meet so I can give them to them. She knows why I haven't posted them too x
Dinosuperstomp that's what I thought it might be, they started the gift sending and it would actually be a lot better for me if they wanted to stop!
I don't want to out and ask them if there's a problem as I know they'll say no regardless?
You need to speak to them! Of course you do, so many people arent willing to do this when problems arise and then it usually gets worse.
Why all these gifts, flowers, egg baskets costing £45 it's all a bit bonkers! it's all too much!
And I find it really odd you spent £45 on Easter eggs for their kids when I bought my own kids 3 each but each to their own. Are you trying to impress them or something?
You've been dumped as friends. I would stop calling and texting. If it's all coming from your side then it will become obvious enough when you stop contact.
And even if it were the Christmas presents that's no excuse for them to cool a friendship like that. Petty in the extreme in fact so IMO you're well rid.
2014newme it's just the way it's always been with us for over 10 years this has been the norm. I know it's excessive but when they sent nice things for my kids I never wanted to leave her kids out. It's literally just this year it's turned one sided, like I said if they want this to be the new norm it's better for me lol
You still haven't given them the Xmas presents? That is weird. Just drive over with them or courier them. Waiting months fir presents is a bit off for kids.
I know it's weird about the Christmas presents but the price to courier them is a fortune and I'm pregnant and had complications this time which is why I haven't driven the whole way to theirs to drop them off I don't want to go that far away. Might sound unreasonable but also I would never ask them to come all the way to us either if I wasn't prepared to do so
It does sound as if they want to scale back the friendship. Could you be really brave and gently ask them by text?
Definitely stop sending gifts, flowers and cards until this is all sorted.
It does look as if they are annoyed that you didn't go along with their holiday plans. You say you 'try your best to keep up when they want to be extravagant'. They probably thought you would give in again.
I'm a bit confused though - did they actually book the holiday? Or did they cancel? Or did you agree to the holiday in the end?
Are they answering your calls? Either you or DH need to call them and ask if anything is wrong. If they don't give you a straight answer, I would back off from the friendship. They obviously have different priorities.
Chloe84 they booked the holiday but didn't tell us that they had. Kind of just went about their own plans in the end which actually ended up better for us as I fell pregnant after them booking and wouldn't have wanted to fly long haul anyway, so we had no hard feelings about it other than the initial being taken aback they had gone about it without us
Don't buy enormous items then that you cannot deliver or post, makes no sense 🙄
From their perspective, you haven't given their kids any Xmas presents.
I've said things to her on the phone like "I can't believe it's been so long long since we saw the kids anyone would think we'd fallen out" and she laughs and says she says the same to her DH so I really don't think we'd have a straight answer if I asked her, I was kind of giving her an opportunity to say something?
2014newme I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but we had arranged to meet before Christmas at a Christmas market to exchange kids gifts and see them before the holiday, then one day a package arrived with my DCs gifts and I called to thank her she said they couldn't make the meet up, which is when I said the gifts I had bought were big and she told me not to worry just to wait til we see them after new year. I would t purposefully buy gifts I had no way of sending if I didn't think I had an opportunity to give them
I don't blame them if they are distancing themselves. Your DH blowing off a meetup because he is mad about the holiday is very childish.
But 4 months have now gone by? And you still haven't taken the gifts to them?
Why all these presents. It sounds like you're trying to buy her friendship, but she doesn't want to offend you by telling you to back off. I'd take the hint.
I'm not clear on the Birthday gift as well. Did you send them a rocking horse for the kids Birthday and forgot to put who it was from in the package?
You've been friends for 10 years and are godparents to each other's children and you can't just call and ask what's going on?
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