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More of a wwyd? Need advice..

(528 Posts)
user1492636556 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:21:29

Hello, looking for advice and not sure if this is the best place to post. Long time lurker, first time poster.

Im 24 and have a DD who's just turned 2. I split with her father during my pregnancy due to his and his families behaviour towards me when I fell pregnant. (Note he has had MH issues in the past and can still display very erratic explosive behaviour which often makes me question that he still suffers with these issues) I know he still has feelings for me, and continually expresses the desire to get back together, but I have made it clear to him that it's not what I want.

When we split we both had to move back into our parents houses due to not being able to afford renting separately. We live in SE London, where rent is sky high. I am really happy living back with my parents as they give me lots of support and they love having us living with them. I am a SAHM atm.

He is an absolute brilliant dad towards our DD and she adores him. He sees her every weekend. No overnights as he doesn't have much space at his parents, but takes her out all day sat and sun.

Here's my issue and I don't really know how to deal with it.

My parents have always wanted to move away from the area as they get older, and preferably somewhere by the coast. My DM and DF have recently found a property that they are really interested in buying. Problem is, it's a 7 hour + drive from where we live at the moment. Me and my DM went to have a look at the property recently, and it is absolutely beautiful. Massive house, lovely location, and lots of potential for my DD to have a wonderful outdoorsy lifestyle. There is also a business opportunity for my parents there as well, meaning I would be able to work for them as well, earning money.

If it wasnt for my DDs father I would absolutely have no hesitation about moving there.

I have no way of staying in the SE by myself. I'm on the council list but on the lowest priority meaning I'll be waiting years for a place. I cannot afford to privately rent. The only option for me is to move with my parents and DD.

I have obviously broached the issue as sensitively as I can with her dad. And understandably he's gone ballistic. Accusing me of taking his DD away from him. I just don't really know what to do, the potential of us moving is seriously affecting his mental health, which I do understand as I would feel exactly the same.

There isn't really the option of him packing up and moving to be near us either. There's nothing in the way of work for him there and he's on such a low income ATM he wouldn't be able to get a deposit or anything together.

I was just wondering if anyone had any advice or if they've been in a similar situation. I want my DD to continue having a fabulous relationship with her dad but if we move I can't see how this is going to work.

Apologies for such a long post. Thanks if you've got this far

DPotter Wed 19-Apr-17 22:25:43

This is a difficult dilemma for sure, but sadly I don't see you have an alternative but to move with your parents. I think it would be a good idea to get some legal advice, just to be on the safe side.

Kissesgingers Wed 19-Apr-17 22:27:53

I think the MN consensus is usually that the parent that moves away has to put the effort in to facilitate contact, but 7 hours travel each way isn't something you could do every weekend. Maybe offer to bring your child for the weekend once a month?

PeaFaceMcgee Wed 19-Apr-17 22:33:35

I would move, no question. His circumstances are his own business.

Kalizahara Wed 19-Apr-17 22:35:14

When you say the way he and his family treated you, what did they do exactly? How do they behave now towards you?

Do you have other family nearby where you are? What about other family/friends where you'd be moving to?

What are the job prospects like for you at the new place? The schools for your dd?

Kalizahara Wed 19-Apr-17 22:36:17

My feeling is I'd move. Ultimately you have to provide a roof over your daughters head.

Birdsgottaf1y Wed 19-Apr-17 22:37:22

I think that you need to have a plan and be prepared to put the effort in to ensure that your DD has contact with her Dad.

Would you be able to put him up, how do you feel about not seeing her every Christmas, for example?

AnyFucker Wed 19-Apr-17 22:38:49

I wouldn't give it another thought

Your only duty is to build a life for yourself and your dd

He is responsible for himself

user1492636556 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:39:31

Thanks for replying smile

Obviously if I had any means of staying in the SE I think I would probably stay. My DD loves her dad so much and I would want them to keep up the relationship.

I have got a lot of anger thrown at me from him, which is so understandable, and he thinks I'm this horrible evil cow for taking his daughter away. But I literally have no choice. He can't seem to get his head round it, that I'm not the one making the decision to move.

fussygalore118 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:40:06

It's a difficult situation but it really does sound like moving with your parents would be the best option. And resign yourself to you daughters father having overnight contact..its a hell of a way to go for visitation but surely the opportunity for you to work and live in a lovely location with your daughter wins over.

Crispbutty Wed 19-Apr-17 22:41:27

Where is it? The outer Hebrides?

In fairness you should stand on your own two feet now, find your own place to live and not make it impossible to see his child..

There are thousands of single mums in your area. If they can manage so can you. If he's not working then he can do childcare while you work.

Sweets101 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:42:21

Yea you don't need to limit your child's life for the benefit of a parent. He needs to step up. It's in her interest so he needs to stop whining and crack on.

Sweets101 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:44:28

In fairness you should stand on your own two feet now, find your own place to live and not make it impossible to see his child..
4 hours it not impossible. And there's Skype.
Why should she or her DD give up the opportunity of a secure home and an income and an extended family because he needs to live with his parents

Crispbutty Wed 19-Apr-17 22:45:09

It's a funny site this... on one thread an dad is being ripped to shreds for moving 2.5 hours away from his child, yet on this one everyone tells the mum to go and basically tough shit to the father who will hardly ever see his kid again. confused

Crispbutty Wed 19-Apr-17 22:46:14

Why should he have to move 7 hours away from his family to follow his ex because she has chosen to move so far away?

EweAreHere Wed 19-Apr-17 22:46:26

I don't see that you have much of a choice. And it sounds like it will be a nice place to live and work and have your DD grow up.

As for your daughter's father, of course he's upset and angry. But these are the financial realities these days. Even he can't afford to live on his own ... he lives with his parents, too! If they were finally ready to pack up and move to the coast for retirement/new opportunities, his options would also be very limited. He knows this, even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it at the moment.

You aren't doing anything wrong. You are doing the very best you can for your daughter.

user1492636556 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:46:38

Crispbutty - It's not quite the Outer Hebrides, but not really too far off in terms of being in the middle of nowhere

AnyFucker Wed 19-Apr-17 22:46:54

I haven't seen the other thread

I am giving specific advice for this particular scenario

MusicToMyEars800 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:47:16

I think you should go, it sounds like you are having and giving your dd a great opportunity for a great life, it's not like he's never going to be able to see her, it will just take a bit of arranging and travelling. I think Anyfucker hit the nail on the head tbh

Sweets101 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:47:47

Why should she be 7 hours away from hers? Her family is providing more for their child then he or his family is.

limon Wed 19-Apr-17 22:47:56

Single parents with low income do.manage to live in the SE. To move so far away would be barbaric and not in your daughters best interests.

How about she moves in with him, you move away and see her when you can?

19lottie82 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:48:12

I don't think you have a choice here anyway. You won't get a council / ha property and can't afford a private let.........

Calvinlookingforhobbs Wed 19-Apr-17 22:48:41

Gosh this is tricky. 7 hours drive is a long way. Is there an airport that could shorten the travel time? Also would he be welcome to stay over at your parents if he did visit?

19lottie82 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:49:37

limon would you leave your 2 year old with someone who has MH problems and erratic / explosive behaviour? Nope...... didn't think so!

user1492636556 Wed 19-Apr-17 22:50:11

My main concern is keeping a roof over my daughters head. And if that means packing up and moving then that's what I need to do.

If I had any means of staying in the SE I would, just for the sake of my daughter keeping in regular contact.

Crisp butty - I'm currently on benefits I have no means of suddenly being able to rent a place just like that

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