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Re overnight contact

(28 Posts)
Saldebain Wed 19-Apr-17 21:04:10

Because I can't see the wood for the treesand my head is banging right now with a stress headache.

Ex and I split up 10 mths ago. We have a just turned 2 year old. She was around 13 mths when he left. He's been with his girlfriend for 7 mths. In that time he's moved three times, culminating in him now being 45 mins away. Access is twice a week overnight currently. This matches up with the access for my other children with their father so not something I want to change around.

A month ago he told me he was buying a house. I asked him then if he was planning on moving his girlfriend in and he said no not anytime soon.

Today he has told me that he's moving in in a week or so and not only is his GF moving in but she's also bought the house with him. Which he obviously lied about the first time I asked him. His excuse for not telling me is that I would "kick off".

I feel really really uncomfortable with my DD having a stepmum living at her house who I've never met, I know nothing about her, she has no children and honestly I'd just anyone's maturity at buying a house with someone 7 mths into a relationship (ex included). He has form for this. Before me he had a girlfriend bought a house and then left, then same thing with me except the baby not the house, now all over again with this one.

My main worry is that we still co-sleep and she co-sleeps with her dad too. His solution is that she just won't be able to get into bed with him anymore (putting himself first). Add that onto the 45 minute drive 4 times a week plus the fact he has to wake her at 5.30/6am to get her here and get himself to work I'm feeling like I should stop overnight contact until she is older (3/4).

I don't want her getting attached to someone when there is a good chance it's not going to work out.

I don't want her feeling like she's been kicked out of her dads bed for his new girlfriend.

I don't know what the court would even say or if I just have to suck it up.

I'm struggling as my other DCs father was a lot more sensible with his girlfriend. They moved in after 2 years, the DC were older and knew her very well and it all went (and still is) perfect.


Allthebestnamesareused Wed 19-Apr-17 21:39:49

You might not want to hear it but I think you are actually. It seems like you are looking for excuses eg. The early rises, co sleeping.

The fact remains that they have bought a house together and maybe she is the one. I suspect your daughter has already met and stayed over while the gf has been around so it will be no different thst they are now officially living together.

At 2 she is plenty old enough to have her own bed and room at his if no longer wants to co sleep. It is his choice the same way it is your choice when he is at yours.

I know it must hurt that he is apparently moving on quickly but you can't just assume that current gf is only short term despite his history as presumably he has learnt from that too.

RyanStartedTheFire Wed 19-Apr-17 21:41:53

YABU. I honesty do understand how hard it is - I've been there, but he doesn't need your approval to move in with his girlfriend and have her around your daughter and you don't have the right to withhold overnight contact over it.

Quimby Wed 19-Apr-17 21:44:13

Completely unreasonable

Snap8TheCat Wed 19-Apr-17 21:46:34

If you had a new live in boyfriend would you be prepared to give up all overnights with your daughter?

Secretsweets Wed 19-Apr-17 21:46:57

"I'm feeling like I should stop overnight cotact until she is older"

Why does the mother always think it is her decision how and when the father has contact ?? Makes me so cross. You shouldn't have the right to just stop the contact. You should give it a go and see if it works and how your daughter deals with it. She might like sleeping in her own bed, and having a female around when she stays at daddy's. I think you're thinking of your feelings more than hers.

user1490817136 Wed 19-Apr-17 21:48:35

There's really nothing you can do bout any of this OP. He has the right to have his new partner around when your daughter stays over. And like All the best said , it's not unreasonable for her to sleep in her own cot/bed at the age of two.

Think about how you react to this , and think day you may want to have a partner around your child and your behaviour now will dictate how much your ex will get away with saying about that.

The GF is probably really lovely OP , remember that he chose you so he has good taste right? :-)

Seriously though , I'd relax and enjoy the 'me' time that him having her overnight brings.

Allthewaves Wed 19-Apr-17 21:51:49

yabu. It is hard but your going to have to roll with it. A new house is a great opportunity to get dd into her own room tbh

UppityHumpty Wed 19-Apr-17 21:54:58

You just have to deal with it. Woman up. Regardless of what you think about her, he's bought a house with her and so probably does want to make it last the long haul.

Saldebain Wed 19-Apr-17 22:00:41

I think there's possibly some projection going on here tbh hmm

And the old hackneyed jealousy comments. What kind of parent would I be if I just said "oh yeah that's totes fine, I've never met this woman but I'm happy for DD to go live with her". Ask yourself honestly, truly honestly if you would be ok with that? If your DH/DP had been with someone for 7 mths?

Early rises/co-sleeping are not excuses. I don't think a 2 year old should be woken up at 5/6am (she naturally wakes around 7.30) twice a week and rushed home so her dad can get to work. He chose to move 45 mins away without any thought for how that would impact on her. And again co-sleeping, you may not agree with it but it's how she sleeps and it works for us in that she sleeps better than any other 2 year old I know. Now she's going into her own bedroom and isn't allowed in with her dad. Again ask yourself truly if you would just go "oh ok yeah that's fine".

I actually wish I could get my other DCs stepmum on here! I am not the jealous mum who doesn't want her kids around the other woman, I'm trying to create a stable environment for my DC. Buying a house 7 mths into a relationship doesn't fill me with confidence.

Saldebain Wed 19-Apr-17 22:02:21

Please believe me when I say him buying a house with someone is not a mark of commitment, this is the third house he's bought in 6 years.

user1490817136 Thu 20-Apr-17 10:54:30

I don't think you're jealous Saldebain , I just think you're far too invested in your exes life. I say this with the best of intentions - who he sees and for how long is not your concern , your concern is a happy child , and from what I see you've absolutely no reason to think that the new partner is dodgy in any way. If and when you do have that concern you can take action.

I used to get myself into a state over exh's lifestye choices but it's largely pointless as it just stops you from seeing and thinking clearly if something of concern was to happen.

NervousNellie29 Thu 20-Apr-17 11:07:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable about not wanting your DD having overnights with a woman you don't know/know nothing about. Especially after your Ex had lied to you about the situation. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my children like that either.

Everything else I think is being a bit unreasonable. She could easily sleep in the car during the drive, and you can't really force him to co-sleep if that's not what he wants to do.

TiredMumToTwo Thu 20-Apr-17 11:09:31

I understand that it's difficult when you have so little control over an aspect of your child's life but you don't have any control over your ex anymore. I moved in with my boyfriend (at the time) after around 7 months (we'd been friends & colleagues for years). His daughter was 2, she didn't co-sleep but I wouldn't have agreed to it if she had. 6 years later, we're married with another daughter together - you don't know whether this will be your ex in 6 years. You co-sleep but it no longer suits your ex so your daughter will no longer co-sleep with him - not your decision. Who your ex lives with is not your decision although at the time I offered to meet my DH's ex to make sure she felt comfortable with the arrangements, can you ask to meet your ex's girlfriend? Getting up early is just a fact of life sometimes & isn't a reason to stop a Dad & daughter having a close relationship. Sorry, I know it's hard but it's life.

neonrainbow Thu 20-Apr-17 11:10:30

It really isn't any of your business. You're no more qualified than him to dictate how the child is raised, what with him being the equal parent and all. If he doesn't want to cosleep any more then he is allowed to address that.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 20-Apr-17 11:18:13

Unfortunately a judge would deem your ex to be able to make decisions regarding his ds without any input from you.
Unfortunately it means you have to suck it up. .

x2boys Thu 20-Apr-17 11:18:20

my understanding is he has equal rights to you and you cant tell him what to do or not what to do with his contact time and neither does he have to tell you although i totally understand you wanting to know what your child is doing /not doing

MakeItRain Thu 20-Apr-17 11:19:32

I don't think people disagree that it's tough, and that it's not what you want ideally for your dd.
But as her dad, providing there are no concerns about his parenting, he has every right to overnight contact with his new gf in their shared house.
All you can do is reasonably tell him your concerns. Maybe ask if his gf would be prepared to meet you. But no family court would stop contact on the basis of what you're saying. He wants to see his dd, he has a home and relationship he's committing himself to. (Whether it will last wouldn't come into it, as long as it's stable now.)
It's a really tough side of splitting up with your children's father though. flowers

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 20-Apr-17 11:27:17

I'm in two minds on this one.

It's NBU to expect honesty and transparency over who is living with your ex and therefore who is living in the same house as your DD when she is staying there. Not unreasonable at all. But now he has told you the truth I think YABU to essentially dictate what happens from here on in.

If your ex does not want to co-sleep any longer that is absolutely fine and it's not your decision to dictate that at all. It really, really isn't. Your ex is equally entitled to decide how he parents when he is looking after her. I personally agree with him as I think co-sleeping is not a good idea. So each to their own and we're all allowed to make those decisions as parents.

45 minutes is really not that far away. She can easily sleep in the car. I agree with other PPs who have said you are clutching at straws. Were these all issues before the GF came along? It sounds not as you have allowed overnights to continue up till now when you are starting to change your mind. A 45 minute journey is not as bad as not having overnight contact with her father is it?

Unfortunately I think you are struggling to let go of control over everything. Please try not to be defensive when you're reading these replies and realise people here aren't trying to goad or upset you. Think about your DD and how she's got the right to visitation and support with both her parents. Don't put up roadblocks to contact - it's the most damaging thing for a child to not be allowed to see one of their parents, especially when the reasons you are giving are frankly quite silly.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 20-Apr-17 11:33:22

I don't want her feeling like she's been kicked out of her dads bed for his new girlfriend.

Your DD will experience things in life that may be a little difficult for her. There may be times where she has to adjust. Do you think most children get a bit upset when they are being potty trained, or are told they don't need their dummies anymore? It's part of growing up. Your DD may take a few nights to adjust to not co-sleeping anymore, or she may take to it like a duck to water. I highly doubt that at 2 years old she is going to be concerned about being "replaced" by her dad's girlfriend in the bed!! I think that's a bit of a stretch tbh. At 2 she's really not going to be all that aware of it. She's just going to be being taught that she has her own lovely bed to sleep in. I think you need to realise that your DD will be fine, and it's actually only a problem if you make it a problem.

GaelicSiog Thu 20-Apr-17 11:37:16

Mine's stepmum has been live in ever since ex has had overnights. Along with her own kids. They now have another 2 together.

It's not great. I would much rather she had no contact with him, but court believed him over me. Nothing I can do about that now. I think at that age they do get on with it pretty happily. It sucks, but you have to remember they have equal rights. Even if they're a total cunt.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 20-Apr-17 11:39:24

Gaelic can I ask what it is that makes you want the contact to stop completely? What what are the reasons for you wanting that?

GaelicSiog Thu 20-Apr-17 11:56:56

Oh gosh, where to start. Ex and I got together shortly after I split with my fiancé. I was probably on the rebound. I was with him less than a year, it was all fine until I wanted to leave. He then became physically and emotionally abusive. In the end I got away. Couple of months later I found out I was 7 months pregnant. I'd been told I couldn't have children and so wasn't exactly careful, was very stressed out what with ex and work situation at the time. It was a total shock. I had DD unexpectedly very soon after. My friend who was with me at the time and completely amazing managed to get through to my parents, but ex was not exactly high on my priority list. He was told after I'd had DD. He went mental, insisted she wasn't his and I was trying to trap him. Couple of weeks later he moved in with his now partner and her 3 kids from a previous relationship. I suspect there was some overlap there. No contact for two years, then he decides she's definitely his and I kept the pregnancy from him, went to court and somehow managed to get a gradual build-up to EOW. I'd stupidly deleted the message history which might have worked in my favour. I have an ongoing thread under this username about how great a dad he's been this week. Resident step kids are constantly put ahead of DD. She doesn't especially enjoy going there. I would cut him out tomorrow if I could, but there's a court order.

SovietKitsch Thu 20-Apr-17 12:22:52

How long were you with him Sal? You say he has a history of moving on quickly, including with you - were you thinking of your older kids when you moved him in very quickly? It smacks of double standards.

JustMumNowNotMe Thu 20-Apr-17 12:28:29

I'm afraid PP are right, If you try to stop contact and he takes you to court, the judge will disregard your concerns and tell you he can do whatever he likes on "his" time.

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