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To think that nobody really wants to know about Mental Health issues in real life

(32 Posts)
Thickaspigshit17 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:32:21

I'm not in a great place at the moment for a couple of days now. A member of my family who I'm close to texted, I didn't say anything over the top I just said I'm not feeling great and struggling a bit but am doing x y and z to try to help things. No response. It's as though they only want to be in touch with me when I'm sufficiently well.

My partner listened to me in tears last night and now is being chilly and not bothering to get in touch. This is somebody who normally is very communicative and loving and in touch a lot. Now says "I'm sad that you're so down" and apparently still loves me but it feels like a withdrawal, because of discomfort and not knowing what to say.

You see all these media and social media campaigns about if you are in crisis to tell somebody and get support. In my experience that isn't really how it works in the real world. If you have long term issues, people just don't want to know after a time. Not their fault.

Idk I will figure stuff out on my own, but I do feel it's not very accurate to make out that support is available for those who need it.

Ktown Wed 19-Apr-17 18:35:43

From the other side: I do not know what to say and I also really get upset by it. I just do not understand and I want to, but I struggle.
I don't suffer depression but a little anxiety occasionally and just chomp the beta blockers. I think unless you have experienced depression it is tough to understand.
It is tough for those around you. I don't think people aren't sympathetic but I genuinely do not know what to say or do so I withdraw.

SilverDragonfly1 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:35:47

YANBU. I'm sorry you're feeling unwell. I have depression and also have close relatives with depression so I know how difficult it is from both sides. It is the lack of professional support that really causes the problem of course.

Viviennemary Wed 19-Apr-17 18:36:02

Sorry you are feeling bad. But maybe it's because you're partner feels a bit helpless because there is nothing they can do to help you feel better. And sometimes family members have a lot of their own problems to deal with and can't take only take on board so much. Please see your doctor and get help. Hope you feel better soon,.

Thickaspigshit17 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:41:39

Yes, i was hoping my op was clear that I know people tend to withdraw from not knowing what to say or feeling overwhelmed by the situation. That's still at odds with jaunty media campaigns about how it's important to reach out if you are struggling.

I will see my doctor in due course at our arranged appointment - there is zero point seeing them before then. I'm not in a suicidal crisis, so not apppropriae to contact crisis team. I've never had any involvement with them. My doctor went through medication options last month and his opinion was to stay on current ones and to self refer to IAPTS. which i will do once I have a new Gp because I've moved house recently.

user1488496635 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:49:19

Op - just wanted to say reading your post brought tears to my eyes as this is exactly how I feel - particularly today.

I have friends, family and a partner who I consider very supportive generally but as I've been anxious/depressed for a lot of years I just feel no one is interested anymore or has anymore to say. I guess they are just at a loss. But it makes it all feel more lonely sometimes.

I just wanted to say definitely self refer to IAPS I've only spoken to them a couple of times so far but already feel a bit better and clearer. I hope you're okay we will get there. I hope it helps to know you're not alone feeling like this though. flowers

Tainbri Wed 19-Apr-17 18:55:28

I agree with you about the recent media coverage. One hand saying reach out, seek help and then the next article is how services are cut etc. Personally I would like to see some info on how to support friends and loved ones when they need help, I know everyone is different but as others have said, it's the not knowing what to do or say. I have an autistic dd and I know it's different, but it's amazing how we walk in a parallel world most of the time, not because people don't care, they just don't understand or know what to say.

Thickaspigshit17 Wed 19-Apr-17 18:57:06

It's a hard road to go alone isn't it?

Do you need to be registerde with a GP for self referral to IAPTs?

cocobatter Wed 19-Apr-17 19:03:01

totally agree OP. I have close friends (yes plural) that have been affected by the suicides of those close to them, then post things on fb about how we need to support those with MH issues, but when push comes to shove they disappear. I don't blame them. They just don't get it. But don't preach at me on fb if you can't step up!

Rant over grin

exWifebeginsat40 Wed 19-Apr-17 19:07:22

i spoke to the duty worker at my CMHT last week as i've been in crisis and was panicking about the long weekend. she told me to go for a walk, and was then okthanksbye. and that's the emergency line.

there is a massive disconnect between what people need, and the services who are supposed to provide it. all the HRHs can sing Kumbyah round the campfire as much as they like - there's still no help for those in desperate need.

thuslyitwas Wed 19-Apr-17 19:19:28

Totally agree. My husband has withdrawn from me recently after seven months of hell
(Miscarriage, physical illness, mental illness, two house moves, and a full renovation, challenging two year old, two dogs, and to cap it all my mum just died a few weeks ago, six weeks after being diagnosed with bowel cancer) - he says he's not happy with how negative am I!! It's fucking laughable. The only real support I have is through an amazing set of bosses at work and I pay to see a psychologist every week. I wouldn't be able to access Nhs services I reckon as I'm coping on the surface but very very close to not coping... I think I've had mental health problem for most of my life and I'm only just addressing it now. What could I do if I didn't throw money at it???

Laiste Wed 19-Apr-17 19:26:55

The media message might be better aimed at encouraging the bravery to reach out to those who are struggling and ask them how they're doing. Give some tips on constructive things to say or do to help.

It's no good reaching out if all that's going to happen is you end up frightening people away.

Whatthefudger Wed 19-Apr-17 19:27:32

I think the thing with depression is that you simply can't think clearly. It may not be that people are withdrawing , But that in the state you're in that you cant assess the situation fully

Laiste Wed 19-Apr-17 19:29:35

Don't know if that made any sense!

I mean the media campaign should be aimed at both sides. To reach out, AND what to do when you've been reached out TO.

Horrible to feel people close to you withdraw when you need them most.

littleoldladywho Wed 19-Apr-17 19:32:12

It's pretty grim. Most people supporting a family member or friend with a mental health issue are stretched to the limit and are often seeking mental health support themselves for the stress of dealing with their loved one. To be told you are not doing enough is a smack in the chops with a wet fish. This sort of scapegoating is pretty despicable, and of course leads to further cuts in services. If you can blame friends and family, you can cut services further.
It's pretty awful. I'm sorry you are suffering, pig. I just hate that at the moment the responsibility for mental health is being taken away from the individual and formal health services and dumped at the door of family and friends who are not in a position to provide 24 hour care and counselling services. We do what we can. But it has to be in line with formal care and a level of personal responsibility, not instead of it.
I understand the impetus - to eradicate stigma you have to talk about it. And for some mental health issues that do not require 24/7 on call, reaching out to your friends works well. Unfortunately the same message is being delivered to those who need much more extensive help that it is possible to give, and it is not helpful for anyone involved. We do what we can and are painfully aware it is not enough. Guilt isn't going to solve it though.
I hope you are in a better place soon x

ssd Wed 19-Apr-17 19:37:21

I agree with you op, people really don't know what to say, so they say nothing, which makes the isolation worse

I just think a little bit of kindness and empathy goes a long long way, someone to give you a bit of time to talk and not try to tell you what to do or point out the obvious, to them, or listen to you with one eye somewhere else

just someone genuine to listen to you for a few minutes and agree its shite but make you feel someone is actually listening

ssd Wed 19-Apr-17 19:41:44

I read somewhere that Diana's brother really wasn't much help to Prince Harry after Diana died, yet he was the one who stood in the pulpit at her funeral and stated that Diana's family would guide the boys growing up....I find it's the loudest voices who do they least and the people who do actually help you are the ones you'd never guess at.

Thickaspigshit17 Wed 19-Apr-17 20:09:20

"It's pretty grim. Most people supporting a family member or friend with a mental health issue are stretched to the limit and are often seeking mental health support themselves for the stress of dealing with their loved one. To be told you are not doing enough is a smack in the chops with a wet fish. This sort of scapegoating is pretty despicable, and of course leads to further cuts in services. If you can blame friends and family, you can cut services further.
It's pretty awful. I'm sorry you are suffering, pig. I just hate that at the moment the responsibility for mental health is being taken away from the individual and formal health services and dumped at the door of family and friends who are not in a position to provide 24 hour care and counselling services. We do what we can. But it has to be in line with formal care and a level of personal responsibility, not instead of it. "

Littleoldladywho, thanks for your reply, I have copy-pasted the first two thirds of your post. Firstly I wanted to say I don't think this should be dictated in terms of blame, I don't think that's helpful. I haven't said anything about scapegoating family or friends.

The other thing, unpalatable though it is, is that it's simply not true to say everyone has a supportive family who does all they can.

I'm okay and know I can manage to ride out my current shaky spell alone, but when I was really sick years ago my parent didn't call me for weeks at a time. They didn't write either. Nor did my siblings. I was probably pretty awful to listen to on the phone, granted. We don't live in the same place so it wasn't as though I was inflicting my physical presence one anyone. I asked for a birthday card, which was ignored.

Part of the problem was difficulty in the parent child relationship, and we have somewhat resolved things now.

I also don't have a lot of time for when people start talking about how you have to take responsibility for your mental illness. It's often a disguised way of saying "I don't know how to respond to you, but I'm pissed off and fed up and want you to go away".

I'm lucky that I more or less CAN sort myself out now even though i don't feel brilliant. When I had an acute MH crisis several years ago, I was so terrified and chaotic and on the edge of disaster, but again luckily I was able to solve it by having money to go to a private psychiatrist and get medication. I'm just lucky that when I was really ill I had that money - I don't have it now, but what I do have is the experience of having survived it, so I feel I can again if it ever gets that bad again. If that makes sense.

But what about people who are in a really bad way, with no options to pay to go to a doctor? Or someone trying medication and nothing is helping? I feel it is very unfair to level blame and say they are not taking responsibility for themselves.

Someone who 100% genuinely believes they would be better off dead is not going to be making balanced choices. Someone psychotic isn't able to either.

People can be taking medication, going to therapy and still not getting better and be accused of not taking responsibility. Brilliant way to shut down conversation and shame someone for being honest in saying that unfortunately they still feel like shit. We wouldn't accuse a cancer patient of not taking responsibility if the chemotherapy isn't working.

I'm sorry that you feel how you do over this, I'm guessing you are at the sharp end of caring for somebody with serious mental health issues.

Thank you to everyone who is putting forward their thoughts on this. It's not easy for anyone concerned/

cocobatter Wed 19-Apr-17 20:13:31

"We wouldn't accuse a cancer patient of not taking responsibility if the chemotherapy isn't working."

THIS

Screwinthetuna Wed 19-Apr-17 20:14:17

Sorry you are feeling bad.
I suffer with health anxiety and have also noticed this; people tend to have no patience, even if you ask for help.
My advice would be to find someone who also has/does suffer from mental health problems to talk to. They understand and seem a lot more willing to listen. I would happily help anyone in need of support when going through mental health problems because I've been there and it really is the pits. flowers

pushingthroughcracks Wed 19-Apr-17 20:16:52

I feel media campaigns are misguided though well meaning. Mental health issues cannot be cured by kindness any more then physical ones can. I'm sorry things are tough, OP.

IonaNE Wed 19-Apr-17 20:17:55

Op, I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you felt you had more support.

OTOH it is difficult for someone who has never suffered from a specific thing to know what to say. I have a family member who suffers from anxiety. I love this person dearly, but there is only so many times that we can have the conversation: "I feel axious." "About what?". "I don't know." "What would need to change/happen so you don't feel anxious?" "I don't know."

Underbeneathsies Wed 19-Apr-17 20:19:32

It's not just mental health. I'm my experience, no one wants any contact with someone who is sick. Even less with an incurable disability.

It's shit, but I wouldn't take it personally.
Hope you're feeling better soon.

DalekBred Wed 19-Apr-17 20:34:39

Op, sorry you're going through this, and I completely agree with you.

in my existence (cant call it life) no none but NO ONE gives a fuck about me and DC (we're both disabled).

all platitudes and pretending to care but they cant be arsed.

I don't go bleating to anyone about all that's wrong, just general, I don't want to be a burden to anyone but not one person ever cares. ever. quick to judge but refuse to help.

estimated 7 billionpeople in this world. just ONE person caring and supporting would be nice eh?

virtual hug for you and everyone on this thread. flowers

BarbarianMum Wed 19-Apr-17 20:44:56

Ime human relationships need to be about give and take, long term, if they are to survive. Being someone's rock, on an indefinite basis, is hard and unrewarding especially if, ultimately, the person can/does get no better and you just watch them being unhappy/unwell year after year and you are both helpless to change it.

And yes, this sucks, for all involved.

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