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Arguing over DC AIBU to think this could be the end

(98 Posts)
FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 10:59:16

I've name changed because DP knows my username, I don't want to drip feed but don't want to out myself either.

I have 1 DC and DP has 2.

We have been together for a few years but every so often issues creep up with DC and after our latest argument lots of issues seem to have come out from both sides and I'm reaching the point where I think we can't make this work anymore.

I have my DC full time DP has his 3 days a week sometimes more or less depending on work. When the DC are here I do all the cooking, washing and bathing and DC gets them dressed in the morning before bed. We both play with them will both tell them to behave if there not ect..

I am looking after my friends DC to give her a break and to play with mine, DP told me I shouldn't because I should prefer to have his DC here rather then someone who isn't biologically either of ours, my argument is if he isn't here he doesn't have his DC here, I've offered before if I have plans with my DC but it's always been no I'm at work its to much to do pick ups drops off or always some excuse so I stopped offering but I thought it was understood the offer was always there and open, but apparently if I'm not verbally offering constantly then it's not there.

He now thinks that I shouldn't be doing things with my DC or my friends DC because his DC are missing out so its not fair to them even though it's not in my control when they are here and this only spires my DC by keeping her in the house because his DC aren't here and when they are here he doesn't want me to go out because it should be family time so I feel like I can never see my friends.

If I buy my DC something and not his It pisses him off, so if I can only afford one pair of shoes that my DC need I shouldn't buy them because I can't buy 3 but when one of his DC needed shoes he was happy for me to spend my last money so they could have them but not the other two.

I know this seems so petty but there's lots more to it but I don't want to drop the post on.

I don't feel like IABU but he thinks I am and I don't no how to find more of a compromise can anyone help ?

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:14:45


Isthisusernamefree Wed 19-Apr-17 11:17:42

I don't think you are being U at all. Of course your DC should be able to have friends over when your DP's DC aren't there, it's bizarre that he would create about that.

Am I right to assume that his DC are with their mum when not with you? If so, does he honestly think that they are missing out by being there? Yes, they can't play with this particular child, but do they not have friends over to play at home?

And as for taking your DC out when his children aren't there and buying clothes/shoes/anything at all without providing the same for his children, the man is crackers. Next time he says that, tell him you're happy to buy them things equally, but to cough up the money for his kids himself! Does he think it's unfair when his DCs' mum buys them stuff and your daughter 'misses out'?

I am a step mum with two step sons and a baby on the way, but my OH would never in a million years expect me to spend my own money on buying the children things. I do when I can, I love them to bits, but I earn a lot less than him and have a much smaller amount of disposable income. I won't be buying the children things if they don't need it, just because the baby needs something. If they need it, then I of course will make sure they've got it, but the money will have to come from their DF if it isn't something small! Although to be perfectly honest, DP likes to buy the DC clothes and shoes himself, he has a particular style which suits the kids so I leave him to it!

It sounds to me like he's jealous of your DC and maybe struggling with the fact that his DC are not there full time. But that is no reason to expect you to put your life and your DC's life on hold until his children are in residence. Have you thought about counselling to try and get to the root of his problem? I find counselling to be hit and miss, we tried it when we were having problems and it helped me understand my OH's train of thought, but he thought the whole thing was pants. But worth a shot maybe?

Or tell him to piss off and give his head a wobble and come back when he's realised he's effectively asking you to neglect the needs and wants of your child 4 days a week, to satisfy his own guilt and jealousy.

Your DC deserves better than that and so do you. flowers

ClopySow Wed 19-Apr-17 11:20:31

He's being an arsehole.

Isthisusernamefree Wed 19-Apr-17 11:21:04

Also it might help to move this to step parenting - it can be a tough crowd but some great advice for blending families to be had over there!

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Apr-17 11:21:14

It doesn't seem petty, he's being absolutely ridiculous.

Every time he buys something for one of his DC does he get the same for your DC? I bet he doesn't.

This is as much about him trying to dictate how you spend your own time as it is anything to do with the DC. Would you put up with that if it was about anything else?

He sounds like a selfish unreasonable prick, sorry. What's good about the relationship? How do you and your DC have a better life with him and his DC in it than without?

AnneLovesGilbert Wed 19-Apr-17 11:23:35

Or tell him to piss off and give his head a wobble and come back when he's realised he's effectively asking you to neglect the needs and wants of your child 4 days a week, to satisfy his own guilt and jealousy.

^ Very well put.

It can't always have been like this OP? How have you ended up in a situation where your own DC are missing out because his aren't there?

44PumpLane Wed 19-Apr-17 11:26:18

YANBU and he's acting like a complete bell end!

It's absolutely important for his DC to feel welcomed and included, but you should absolutely be able to do activities with your DC and their/your friends without his DC.

is he lazy with his DC and therefore wants you to hold all fun activities for when he has his DC so that he doesn't have to think of anything for them to do?

CMamaof4 Wed 19-Apr-17 11:26:50

He's being completely unreasonable, I don't know how u put up with it

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:29:13

I do think he struggles that his DC aren't here full time and mine is but that isn't in my control and I support him to have them as much as possible and help him do all the running around going here there and everywhere to get them and drop them off

No when he buys his DC stuff he doesn't buy for mine but I'm fine with that, I'd rather be able to buy own our stuff as and when it's needed but I feel he makes it into a competition and somehow I'm always the bad guy.

He thinks that ignoring the issues will make everything fine until they creep up and we argue again he would just carry on with that.

I feel like it's changing me because there's things I want to do with my DC that I don't because I can't afford for 5 of us to do it and even when there things he doesn't want to do or think his DC wouldn't like if I say I'm going then he'll go just for the sake of it

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:30:33

I've always fought it but it's got to the point now where he's outright saying I shouldn't be doing things with other DC because of his and this is why I'm at that point where it's not working I'm not prepared to lock my DC up 4 days a week until his are here for her to have a childhood and that's why I'm thinking we're close to the end because I don't know how we change this or fix it or even compromise

ChaiTeaTaiChi Wed 19-Apr-17 11:33:15

Put your actual child first and get rid of this silly selfish man child.

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:34:53

My child will always always come first, I've been to hell and back to protect her from other issues and I'm not about to let anyone control or dictate her childhood I just didn't realise how things have slowly built over a few months until it all openly come out in an argument and it was like a massive slap of reality

lizzyj4 Wed 19-Apr-17 11:36:11

I agree he's being unreasonable and it sounds completely exhausting. I'm struggling to see what you and your DC get out of this situation.

kingfisherblue33 Wed 19-Apr-17 11:37:00

There are about a million red flags here. Get rid of this controlling git. He sounds binkers.

Jaxhog Wed 19-Apr-17 11:39:43

Put your actual child first and get rid of this silly selfish man child.

Rossigigi Wed 19-Apr-17 11:45:17

I think he is projecting his guilt over his dc not being there full time onto you.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and echo what others say regarding does he think your dc is missing out when his dc are doing something with their mum.

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:48:23

We don't seem to be able to have a discussion regarding the kids and any issues it just gets to heated so I don't know how we can fix things or change anything

The kids all love each other and it would be hard to walk away but I will do whatever I need to do to make the best for my DC I just feel head fucked

BluePeppersAndBroccoli Wed 19-Apr-17 11:52:24

What happens when you tell him 'No I will see whoever I want with my DC. And my DC will see whoever she wants to see. You can't control either who are my friends and who are her friends.'
Is it something that he is happy to accept or is he sulking, giving you the silent treatment, starts a massive argument again, screams ?

And what does he have to say tonthe fact that his dcs can see their own friends whilst at their mum? Does it think it's fair if his own dcs do nothing and stay stuck at home until they can me to yoUr house??

BluePeppersAndBroccoli Wed 19-Apr-17 11:53:14


If you ignore what he says and still see your friends, your DC sees theirs, what would happen??

HerBluebiro Wed 19-Apr-17 11:55:20

I'm going to go against the grain a little and suggest that big events like a family holiday or a trip to panto etc should be done at a time when all the children can come. If you have split money he should pay for his kids and you yours. If family money then you should obviously eacb pay for all.

But necessities like clothes shoes school trips etc should be paid for as each child needs it. Not for all because one needs it now.

The value of Christmas presents etc sound be roughly equal accepting that some years the needs of one might outweigh the needs of another (especially if there's a difference in age).

Crapuccino Wed 19-Apr-17 11:57:14

Yeah, no. I'd be done with that. He seems to think you're obligated to make up for his shortfall. It's his shortfall. Not yours. You and your children are not inferior to his. If it's escalating, I would be calling it a day.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 19-Apr-17 11:57:27

It does sound a bit like one rule for him and another for you. So he doesn't buy shoes etc for your DC, but you are expected to buy them for his? How is that fair?

Also, are his children 'locked up'/not allowed to play with anyone else when they are not playing with your DC? Again, not fair on anyone! It sounds like either he has major issues with not having his kids full-time and resents that you do, or there is something else going on and this is just a smokescreen. So not sure what advice to offer other than to just say I don't think he is being very reasonable and YANBU.

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 11:57:33

He wouldn't tell me I couldn't but he would be moody and off with me and just cause a terrible atmosphere and after a few times just be how I obviously don't care about his feelings and whatever bullshit

Some of his problem is that his DC mum doesn't do much with them which she openly admits so for me to do things with mine whilst his DC are stuck inside isn't fair to him even though he doesn't have an answer for so because your DC are stuck in mine should be even though it's not in my control what happens whilst they are at the mums and he doesn't have anything to say

FedUpTiredWornOut Wed 19-Apr-17 12:01:07

HerBlue big things like days out etc I always try and plan them for when his DC are here but he can be difficult arranging a date in the future with DC mum even though I ask and ask so nothing gets booked and with there being 5 of us if we don't plan and budget we can't afford to do it so they all miss out but if I take my DC to a kids cheap showing at the cinema I should only go when his DC are here even though they might not be there on the dates/times the films are on I still should wait

I never exclude them and try to purposely go out of my way to arrange big things for family days out but getting him to confirm dates is next to impossible. I feel like he wants all these things but won't do the simplest of things to help me organise them

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