Who is BU? Contact weekends and DCs

[GaelicSiog]

This will be long, sorry. I don't want to drip feed.

Two families.

L is DM and R is DF to DD3
L and R split before DD was born, R remarried to F. F has DD1, DD2 and DS1 from a previous relationship, and F and R have DTS2 and DTS3 together.

DD3 lives with L, and has contact with R EOW. Other DCs live with F and R, with DD1, DD2 and DS1 having contact with their dad every month.

DD3 attends an activity on Saturday mornings. Activity takes up the whole morning. DD3 has been doing this activity since she was 3 and the hours it takes up have increased as she's gotten older. DD3 is now 7. L signed her up for this activity. DD3 attends this activity every Saturday morning whichever weekend it is and has done since R managed to get a contract agreement set up. On contact weekends R takes DD3 to activity and picks her up. F takes DD1 and DD2 to another activity.

DS1 has decided he would like to start an activity which also runs on a Saturday morning. Closest place to do this is a 45 minute drive away, which means R cannot drop off DD3 and take DS1. R suggests that DD3 no longer attends her activity on contact weekends and can choose instead if she would like to go with R or F. She will still get to attend on weekends with L.

DD3 is upset because coaches at her activity say she cannot do comps if she doesn't come every weekend. L suggests contact hours are changed, DD3 stays with her Saturday mornings and is dropped with R and F after this activity. R isn't happy with his contact being shortened, and suggests DD3 arrive on Friday afternoon as normal, L picks her up Saturday morning and takes her to activity and drops her back after. L says she is not a taxi service. Parent of friend of DD3 who also attends her activity lives near F and R and offers to help with lifts. R isn't comfortable with this.

L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her. She says R and F's solution isn't fair because it favours the resident DC. R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact. R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday.

If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation? Sorry for the length.

[RueDeDay]

Assuming that DD3 really enjoys the activity, R is. Because the arrangement with DD3 is long-standing, DS's new hobby shouldn't automatically take priority. R should either let L's parent friends take DD3, or accept the reduced contact hours.

[arbrighton]

Surely Dad of DD3 isn't actually having 'contact' anyway if she's at the activity.

A solution has been offered which would seem optimal for DD3 and helpful to Dad but he seems to be rejecting it purely to be awkward

[44PumpLane]

Basically what RueDeDay says I second

[GaelicSiog]

DD3 has contact with R from Friday evening to Sunday evening. Saturday morning only she is at this activity.

[sailorcherries]

R is being unreasonable and it is easy to see why DD3 thinks he is placing his stepkids before her.
R either accepts the slightly reduced contact at the weekends or tells F he cannot take DS1 and that either DS1s father or F will need to take him or he accepts invite from Ls friend re DD3.

[arbrighton]

I know L is NOT a taxi (and R is being unreasonable to not take up the offer of lifts from fellow parent who's child goes) but how far between Lhouse/ R house/ Activity?

[Chattymummyhere]

R should suck I up and put his DD first and the long standing commitment first than a dss sudden want for a new hobby.

[GaelicSiog]

R and L live about 25mins/half an hour away, DD3's activity is pretty much right in the middle. DS1's activity is 45 mins in the opposite direction. So R and F's argument is R can't do both because it's an hour and 15 min trip each way. They think the fairest solution is R takes DS1 and DD3 still gets to go on her weekends with L. That way all the kids get to do their activities.

[TheAntiBoop]

why can't ds1 miss every other week of his activity?

[TheAntiBoop]

in fact - why can't all kids miss one in three

it's totally unreasonable and they should find another activity for ds1 at a time they aren't already committed for

[HeddaGarbled]

Except DD3 only gets to do her activity every other weekend while all the other children get theirs every week. And DD3 will miss out on competitions etc because of only being there half the time. R is being massively unreasonable.

[Jengnr]

R needs to sort out their daughter and let F and their ex sort out their child between hem.

[GaelicSiog]

F and R think it's unfair to make DS1 go every other week, because then DD3 gets to go every week if L takes her. Which they know she will. L's argument is F and R's solution discriminates against the non resident child, F and R argue the same for DS1 if he goes every other week. L has not suggested this but they know this is what she wants.

[GaelicSiog]

F cannot take DD3 because she is out with DD1 and DD2. Usually she takes DTSs. DD3 will get to choose whether she goes with dad or stepmum.

[Questioningeverything]

I feel sorry for poor dd3 stuck in the middle of all this 🙁

[Allthewaves]

Can R drop dd3 at activity meeting her mum. Then could mum drop her off at R or meet step mum

[Lelloteddy]

The Saturday morning activity was already committed to.
Therefore any new activities takes second place.

Your DH is being unreasonable. And sounds like an arse.

[TheAntiBoop]

If F and R can't see they are being unreasonable then there isn't a lot L can do. DD3 has been doing the activity for years so that means the diary is full. Poor girl - they are screwing with her head

But R can't complain in the future when he doesn't have much of a relationship with DD3

[Allthewaves]

Just reread. R needs to let other parent help with lifts - only fair solution.

[Allthewaves]

All kids should be able to do their activities ideally so I'd be putting R that he either needs to accept help from other parent with lifts of dd3 stays with her mum friday night

[GaelicSiog]

R can't drop DD3 and get DS1 there on time unless he drops DD3 early, when no one will be there. L suggests the best solution is DD3 goes there from hers and R gets her after. But R thinks this is a slippery slope that will lead to no contact EO Saturday.

[Italiangreyhound]

"R isn't happy with his contact being shortened" How does DD3 feel about contact being shortened verses not getting to do comps?

"R isn't comfortable with this." Why?

"L tells R DD3 has said she feels her dad is putting his stepson ahead of her." And I would agree with that.

"R and F feel L is using this as another excuse to scale back contact." Why do they feel that 'L' is using this to scale back contact? It sounds like they can't handle the contact on DD3's terms. R and F have had five children between them and that is going to take some managing, are there any other relatives who could take the other children to activities (the children who live with R and F all of the time/more of the time than DD3?)

"R does not want to spend the morning driving back and forth taking both DCs every other Saturday." I am not sure what this means? R has three children and three step children, it sounds like the main objection is to what he does with DD3. I can understand why DD3 would find this hard.

"If you're still with me, who is being unreasonable in this situation?" R is.

Agree with Jengnr "R needs to sort out their daughter and let F and their ex sort out their child between hem."

How much quality time is R having with DD3 if she is stuck in a car driving 45 minutes to her her dad's step son's activity?

[lalalalyra]

Why does F's son wanting to do an activity affect R's daughter rather than F's daughters?

[GaelicSiog]

Because the arrangement is for every weekend for DS1, but only every other weekend it's a problem for DD3. This is F's logic.

I'm L. I don't mind outing myself if mumsnet thinks ex is the unreasonable one

[TheAntiBoop]

why are they forcing the contact to the detriment of DD3 - is it to do with money?

they aren't looking after the best interests of the child