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I know IABU but I can't help it.

(22 Posts)
KellyBoo000 Tue 18-Apr-17 18:40:34

DBro and his girlfriend are currently looking round hospitals to have their baby. This is not her first pregnancy. I understand that this is their decision to make and I should keep out of it, which I am, but...

She has chosen a hospital quite far away from their house, and is adamant that is where she is going to have their baby. Doesn't affect any of us at all in the slightest, except this is the place where just WEEKS ago my best friend gave birth to a perfectly healthy but stillborn baby. There are ongoing investigations but there are serious concerns as to how the hospital treated my friend and it although the results of the investigation are going to be months away, there is no argument that the hospital did not cause the death of the baby. There were no less than seven opportunities throughout the pregnancy that could have prevented the stillbirth, and several people missed them.

My DBro knows this is the hospital where my friend lost her baby, but doesn't know the ins and outs. His girlfriend can be very stubborn and nothing will change her mind. I want to sit down and talk to her about this but it is none of my business and she doesn't really like me anyway and I don't think she will listen to my concerns (or my brothers). But if I say nothing and something goes wrong I couldn't live with the guilt.

What the fuck do I do?! WIBU to tell her and risk her accusing me of interfering and potentially cutting me out of my nieces life? Because this is what she is likely to do!

luckylucky24 Tue 18-Apr-17 18:46:25

Could you message brother and say "I am aware this is none of my business but I wouldn't forgive myself if I said nothing and something happened....(explanation here)".
Chances are all would be fine. I'm sure many babies have been born there and survived but if it were me having a baby I would want to know so I could avoid this hospital.

Quartz2208 Tue 18-Apr-17 18:55:11

Are the hospital at fault (it's unclear from your wording). Your brother knows it happened and procedures have likely been worked on so it's probably safer now

KellyBoo000 Tue 18-Apr-17 19:11:47

Sorry for being unclear, my brother is aware but not of the details. This only happened weeks ago so hospital have not admitted any fault yet and investigations are only just starting now. I could message my DBro - I have avoided talking to him about it until now as I hadn't wanted to upset him when his baby is due next month but I think I will have to tell him the details. I don't think his girlfriend will listen to him, but then at least I guess I have done my part.

Creampastry Tue 18-Apr-17 19:15:58

If your brother is old enough to have a baby he should be aware of the details.

Emphasise Tue 18-Apr-17 19:25:35

The details aren't OPs to share Creampastry.

It sounds like this is more about you and silver.not getting on than it is about the health of the baby. Even of the hospital does turn out to be at fault, it must surely be a one off and they'll have learned from it. What happens if you persuade them to choose another hospital and something (God forbid) goes wrong there? I think if you've told your DB of what happened to your friend and they've still chosen this hospital, you need to stay out of it.

Pinkheart5915 Tue 18-Apr-17 19:25:55

As someone that has had a stillbirth in the past, if I was in your position I would tell my brother but it sounds like he already knows your friend had her baby in that hospital so I don't see what else you can say? At this stage I doubt you know everything and until an investigation has been completed can't really blame the hospital either.

It's also worth bearing in mind that I think it's something like 10/15 babies stillborn everyday in the uk and it can happen in any hospital, every hospital will of had stillbirths happen.

WorraLiberty Tue 18-Apr-17 19:27:56

You could probably say that about many hospitals though

It's just in this particular case, you know about the stillborn baby.

Crunchymum Tue 18-Apr-17 19:33:17

Can you explain a few things OP

1) if baby is due in a month, why are they just choosing a hospital "to have the baby" now? Where has shown been having her antenatal care up to now?
2) you say your friend gave birth to a perfectly 'healthy but stillborn baby' but then say there were 'no less than seven opportunities throughout the pregnancy that could have prevented the stillbirth' confused

Crunchymum Tue 18-Apr-17 19:34:33

Shown = she (your SiL)

KellyBoo000 Tue 18-Apr-17 19:44:39

SIL had been receiving antenatal treatment at her local hospital and decided last week that she no longer wanted to have the baby there. I get that it's her choice so I will stay out of it.

BellyBean Tue 18-Apr-17 20:18:48

Not a lot you can do to influence, but I'd like to think that the staff are on high alert not to make a similar mistake rather than another hospital which might be more blasé.

Trifleorbust Tue 18-Apr-17 20:22:42

Her body, her baby, her choice and I think you need to respect that. You may wish to flag what happened to your friend, but the reality is that you will probably succeed only in raising anxiety levels and alienating your SIL. Stillbirths are very rare. No pregnant woman wants to hear this level of negative thinking from close relatives. I would honestly think you were quite weird and I would distance myself.

KellyBoo000 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:29:41

BellyBean I hope so!

And Trifle I don't want to make her anxious or alienate her. And I get that it's her choice completely and so will not ever put any pressure on her about her choices. But I'm a little sad that you'd think I was weird if you were my SIL and I told you I had concerns about the way a lot of staff there treated a pregnant person. Would you find it weird if you joined a new GP surgery and a family member told you they'd had terrible experiences there from multiple members of staff? Especially if there were multiple other GP surgeries you could choose from?

Trifleorbust Tue 18-Apr-17 20:34:37


As a heavily pregnant woman I would find your intervention really inappropriate. I would have looked into my options carefully ;no-one cares more about my baby and my body than I do) and made the decision I felt comfortable with. I would expect someone who I didn't really get on with at the best of times to butt out.

KellyBoo000 Tue 18-Apr-17 20:46:48

Trifle fair enough, I'll butt out and hope for the best. Fingers crossed.

Motoko Wed 19-Apr-17 00:30:40

It sounds like there was a problem with your friend's pregnancy that wasn't picked up during her ante-natal appointments, but your brother's GF has had her ante-natal care at a different hospital.

Babies have been born everyday at that hospital without problem since your friend sadly lost hers.

I think you should leave it and just wish them all the best.

haveacupoftea Wed 19-Apr-17 00:36:33

I'm due shortly and I would be furious if an in law tried to put me off the hospital I'd chosen at this late stage with scare stories about still birth. The investigation has only started, you don't know all the facts and yet you're acting like this couple are intentionally putting their baby at risk. YABU

blueberryporridge Wed 19-Apr-17 00:48:59

I think that you should share your concerns about the hospital with your DB. Up to him what he does then...

aurynne Wed 19-Apr-17 04:32:30

News alert: still births happen in every hospital, sometimes you may not hear about them but that does not mean they haven't happened.

OP, it is extremely inappropriate to try to influence a relative's place of birth with scare tactics just because it makes you uneasy. This is not about you, it is about them and their baby, and you need to acknowledge they are two adults, perfectly able to reach an informed decision about where they wish to give birth.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 19-Apr-17 05:13:39

I know your friends stillbirth must have been extremely traumatic, and you are rightly shocked and worried. But all you will do if you talk to them is transfer your worry onto a couple about to have a baby.

KellyBoo000 Wed 19-Apr-17 05:57:12

I get that, I've already said I'm not going to say anything.

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