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Mother paying maintenance.

(41 Posts)
Justfatherandson Tue 18-Apr-17 15:57:20

AIBU to ask my XP to pay child maintenance. I have a DS who has a residence order in place to live with me his father. His mother was only allowed supervised contact for 2 years and now she has him stay over one Saturday every 2 weeks. She also fetches him from school 2 days a week but brings him back to me at 7pm to sleep.(When it is convenient). She works full time and lives with her new partner who also works full time. I work full time and have a reasonable job but nothing exceptional and have had to put any career aspirations aside to look after my DS.

When I ask for money for anything it turns into a big argument and she will refuse to fetch DS from school half an hour before he is due to finish. Then she won't see my DS for weeks after and he feels bad.

She says if she had him she would expect nothing from me. I was told to take her too court by social services as she was always drunk and the police removed him from her. So she says I took her to court now I need to take responsibility for my actions.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Tue 18-Apr-17 15:59:47

Both parents should pay for the support of their child regardless of sex of parent.

Whatsername17 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:01:32

Of course yanbu. Go through the proper channels. She is a horrible person if she punishes your son by not seeing him when asked to provide financial support. She doesn't have him, therefore what she would expect has no baring.

Bythebeach Tue 18-Apr-17 16:02:32

Can you use the child maintenance service?

ButteredCrumpetNow Tue 18-Apr-17 16:03:04

Go through cms, sex of resident parent is irrelevant.

BarryTheKestrel Tue 18-Apr-17 16:05:15

Do whatever you need to do, officially.
Any parent, mother or father, should financially support their children regardless of their choice of input in their lives. Just because she only wants to be a mother when she fancies it doesn't mean the cost of raising a child stops.

Pinkheart5915 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:07:09

Parent of either sex should have to pay maintenance, a child should never suffer financially because they have a selfish parent.

Contact the child maintenance people

Chloe84 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:08:21

So she says I took her to court now I need to take responsibility for my actions.

No, she needs to take her fair share of responsibility for her son. She needs to pay you maintenance.

Don't engage with her, go directly through CMS.

If she won't pick up DS from school on her days, hopefully you will be able to afford wraparound care with the maintenance you get from her.

Jessesbitch Tue 18-Apr-17 16:11:10


CheshireChat Tue 18-Apr-17 16:22:23

She should definitely pay, but are you sure it's in your son's interest to see her? She sounds horrid and abusive so it may be best to have no contact.

MusicToMyEars800 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:24:23

Yanbu! she needs to pay, It cant be expected for you to pay for everything, she needs to take responsibility too. good luck OP I hope you get it all sorted.

JanetBrown2015 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:25:10

You go through the CMS. Of course she should pay. I had to pay all childcare (I work full time as does their father) and do all pick ups as their father chooses to do nothing,.

My children's father pays nothing and doesn't see the children who live with me 365 nights a year (his choice not mine!!), like an awful lot of fathers. He was paid a lot of mnoey by me in the divorce as I earn more than he does.

rightsofwomen Tue 18-Apr-17 16:26:05

Do you really need the money? If not then I'd be inclined to forget about it. Reduce the number of ties you have with her.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 18-Apr-17 16:27:32

Go through the CMS. She's taking the piss and it's your child who's missing out.

Morphene Tue 18-Apr-17 16:28:13

yanbu. Go the official route. Then there will only be one further strop from her. Bringing it up repeatedly but ineffectually is doing more damage than getting it sorted once and for all.

Good luck!

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 18-Apr-17 16:28:29

It's not for him though is it rightsofwomen, it's for his child. As everyone always agrees when the child lives with its mother and it's the father who's the NRP and paying maintenance.

EmilyByTheRiver Tue 18-Apr-17 16:30:48

Agree with (almost) everyone. Go through the proper channels- don't succumb to emotional blackmail.


Good luck.

Jaxhog Tue 18-Apr-17 16:30:58

YANBU. Your child deserves the support of BOTH parents, regardless of gender and who they live with.

user1492528619 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:32:33


Take her to court, if she's in full time employment and they have proof of her earnings she will have a shock at what she's forced to pay.

Think of all the additional things the money could provide your son.

She should most definitely be paying for her child, although her willingness to spend long periods not seeing him speaks volumes about her.

rightsofwomen Tue 18-Apr-17 16:32:38

Yes Anne, that's true. I didn't pursue my ex for maintenance as 1) it wouldn't have been very much anyway and 2) I want as little to do with him as possible.

nauticant Tue 18-Apr-17 16:34:04

Just bear in mind that if you go down the CMS route one possible response from your ex will be to seek to increase the number of nights your DS stays with her.

Is there any order in place defining the contact she has with your DS?

Xenophile Tue 18-Apr-17 16:42:13

No, ideally both parents should contribute 50% of the finances to bring up their children. The CMS should help.

ToughItOut Tue 18-Apr-17 16:48:36

In an ideal world then she should be paying of course. However she sounds horrid and your DS would probably be better off without her in his life as she obviously does not care about him. If I was in your shoes I'd just try and cut as many ties as possible for the sake of DS.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 18-Apr-17 16:52:28

If she'll cut off contact that easily I'd question its value. Yanbu in wanting her to pay what she owes your child.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 18-Apr-17 16:56:07

Fair enough rightsofwomen and I respect your choice.

For the OP though it sounds like more money would give him more freedom and when his ex inevitably continues to mess him around he'll be able to afford more care to lessen the impact on his DC.

If it went through official channels it would also take the feelings out if the whole thing. There'll be a monthly transfer of money for her share of the costs of raising a child, she has a good job and can afford it, and she'll be less likely to dick around with contact which is going to hurt her child far more than it inconveniences the OP, whatever her motives.

OP, I'm sure you know this, but if she refuses to pay they can take it from her earnings direct. You'll have to pay a small fee but it'll be worth it. People often advise finding out how much the amount would be, then giving the NRP a chance to set up a standing order and avoid the CMS. But I doubt that would work as your ex sounds like a right piece of work. So I'd remind yourself you've given her ample opportunities to do the right thing and you're now going through the official channels to get your child what they're owed.

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