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To not want to see this counsellor again

(22 Posts)
Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 15:43:39

Discovered my H of 15 years has cheated on me with dating sites, Craigslist, and various prostitutes over the course of our marriage and also during his previous long term relationship. This was a complete shock to me as I thought my H had the same moral values as me. We had been through difficulties, like most marriages, and felt we'd come out the other side stronger. I truly loved him and he often told me how much he loved and valued me.
After Dday I looked up a counsellor who specialises in 'sex addiction ' ( if indeed the condition exists) and 'post affair trauma '. The idea was we saw her once as a couple and then individually.
We had only been in her consultation room 5 minutes and she came out with the statement " maybe Mr Notlovedenoughmyarse didn't feel loved enough and felt he had to validate himself sexually with others"
AIBU to feel annoyed by this analysis of our relationship? I didn't say anything at the time but I felt she implying I was partly culpable for H cheating. I believe if my H hadn't been happy and fulfilled in our marriage he should have communicated that to me rather than shagging random strangers.
My H is still receiving counselling from this therapist but I am reluctant to go back.

Isadora2007 Tue 18-Apr-17 15:45:23

Yanbu. At all.

Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 15:46:33

Thank you

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Apr-17 15:49:55

Oh, I just bet your H is still seeing this 'therapist'. Way to justify shitty behaviour.

What was your H's reaction to that little gem?

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 18-Apr-17 15:51:08

YADNBU OP. I'm sorry that this has happened to you.thanks

Clg199 Tue 18-Apr-17 15:51:15

When I was seeing a counsellor she said she couldn't see a couple and the individuals as well. She said in my sessions I was the client, in joint sessions the relationship was the client and there was a different emphasis on the individuals involved. It doesn't sound as though her approach is helping you.

Could you see someone different as a couple?

yellowfrog Tue 18-Apr-17 15:58:06

I know this isn't what you asked, but why are you still with him? I mean it's not like he cheated once as a one off. Also, have you had an STD check?

MadMags Tue 18-Apr-17 16:01:21

Well of course he's still seeing her. His behaviour was validated in the space of five minutes.

Your own behaviour, however, needs addressing immediately. Any counsellor should be helping you to figure out why your self-esteem is so low that you're even considering staying in this non marriage!

lizzyj4 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:02:18

I would definitely change your counsellor, what she said was completely inappropriate and very unhelpful. Contact the BACP to find an accredited counsellor or ask your GP for a recommendation.

Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 16:03:12

My H didn't react when she came out with that little gem. I think he's enjoying his counselling sessions but I dread to think what's being said!
Another factor putting me off seeing her is that I strongly suspect my H has lied and minimised and I only know the tip of the iceberg ( he says he's had sex with 15 women in total but I reckon it's far more than that).
I would hate the thought the counsellor would know stuff that he'd disclosed to her which I wasn't party to.

Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 16:06:27

Yes I've been to a GUM clinic and thankfully I'm in the clear. We are no longer sleeping together.I haven't particularly got low self esteem but for various reasons, I'm staying put until I have my ducks in a row.

yellowfrog Tue 18-Apr-17 16:07:46

Given your update, I would avoid the (frankly terrible) counsellor and concentrate on getting the ducks lined up to leave, which sounds like a very sensible thing to do

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Apr-17 16:08:30

Get a counsellor that specialises in getting your ducks in a row, then! Self-esteem, future planning and trauma. Ditch the 'therapist' then ditch the feckless wanker.

mamatiger83 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:11:33

Where did you find the details for this counsellor? I'm a student counsellor and honestly shocked that's a statement a therapist of any level would make!

Chloe84 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:13:17

Yes, get your own counsellor, OP. Let him have his woe-is-unloved-me sessions with the loony doc.

Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 16:15:36

I just googled "councillor specialising in post affair trauma". We paid £55 to make me feel seriously pissed off! I have my own counsellor now . It's seriously expensive dealing with infidelity but not as expensive as paying for prostitutes I assume.

mamatiger83 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:21:24

It is important that you both have a counsellor that is accredited by a governing body that will inform good practice. Something like the BACP or in the case of a psychosexual therapist the BPS.
Having only 5 minutes with the counsellor and a statement of that sort being made, to me, screams not accredited and as such there is no assurance of quality of practice or ethics within practice. If this 'counsellor' is working under one of these umbrellas then you have cause for complaint which I would absolutely follow through with.

Notlovedenoughmyarse Tue 18-Apr-17 16:28:36

Hmm yes I'm sure you're right there. It did appear from her credentials that she was fully accredited.
I'm through with the intense emotions that experienced initially and I'm feeling pretty removed and distant from the situation most of the time however, I do have a few mini meltdowns which is probably why I just posted my thread.

mamatiger83 Tue 18-Apr-17 16:36:09

No need to justify your thread, you are entitled to your feelings. I won't harp on about the counsellor side of things, I just wanted to share what I know and that it does look wrong to me.
I think it was brave of you to try and work through it in the way you did and would encourage you to pursue your own therapy.

Lambzig Tue 18-Apr-17 16:48:55

YADNBU. It is erm, unusual, to see clients as individuals and a couple and If seeing a couple, colluding with one of them. I wouldn't go back at all.

Lambzig Tue 18-Apr-17 16:50:32

Actually, it's completely unethical and mamatiger is correct.

OneGreyElephantBalancing Tue 18-Apr-17 17:39:28

I had a similar situation with a marriage therapist who was allegedly one of Bupa's best (according to them!)

I was in a mess at the end of an abusive marriage and this was last ditch effort/ process. I told the unpleasant truth about his behaviour. He went mental defending himself. Therapist effectively validated his points entirely about how hard done by he was. Then session ended. He had his position reinforced and mine pissed all over. He wouldn't go back. We split 4 wks later...
I wanted to complain formally but oddly had too much going on.

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