Had Enough Cant tolerate MIL Any Longer I need Proffesional help but which type(10 Posts)
I cant Bear Mil any longer I have had enough.
Over the years we have had ups and downs and mostly downs, I cant cope with her any more. My DM has just died a few weeks ago, I was only sibling there at her side supporting her through it, I am also one left with the estate to tie up etc.
Not one word from MIl to say " sorry to hear about your DM" or anything.
She only asked about the estate and how I am getting on with that because it may be a window for them to have the DC while we tackle other stuff, its a long way way away. Not a card, flowers or simple words.
She sat in my home over Easter and pretty much ignored me and all talk of DM.
We already had a period of not talking to fil or mil a few years ago when the constant pushing for hte dc got out of hand.
FIl seems better now - but Mil has continued to make digs at us - eg done nothing to our house like our neighbours therefore our house wont be going up in value like theirs, constant black cloud of doom, regards us as looser, will cry over the sadness that are dc are being brought up in a house that not to her specification - her home is a show home which you can barely breathe in etc.
She has crossed boundaries over potty training etc and when DC has been ill, and she has been due to collect they wont ask - " how is dc - are they well enough to come" its a steam roller over us - " what time shall we collect" ignoring all emails about dc condition.
But they dont do - child care. They see younger DC about on average once every two /three weeks and older less as she doesn't want to go - she is not keen on GM, and having seen her around GM, GM brings out the worst in her, I have never seen her so bad tempered.
Fil is a tank, whose job it is - to get the GC over to the house to keep MIL happy, we are pushed and pushed and pushed.
I want professional help on how to deal with her - but which type of Therapist is going to be the one. I have tried to get one before - but its all depression based it seems.
Ideally I want someone to help me detach from how Mil makes me feel...Ie when I am in her presence which I am likely to be for a good few years to come, I want to be more detached and let her countenance affect me less. I am by nature always aware of the moods of people in a room and it affects me, and seeing as she is always this negative cloud who hates us - I want to be able to let it run off me like water off ducks back.
Can't you just cut them off? They sound horrible.
Block her number. Ban her from your house. Let dh deal with her. If the dc don't want to visit then just let dh tell her so. If they do then let dh drop them off. You don't have to see /hear or speak to her. ..
Your dh needs to support you more.
And don't be letting dc stay over. . If she doesn't do actual child care then they don't need to sleep there. .
Yes all of that possible but I will still see her at family events, I need help myself on how to mentally compartmentalize her - put her away and not worry about her.
We have no other family back up and we have muddled through many tough times with our two dc - but occasionally our back has been agaisnt wall eg when DM died - we couldnt do anything with DC in tow - younger one is a real handful, we had to let them stay there - we had to close up property empty it out as much as possible, race around to loads of different places for death certificate etc, all harder as its hundreds of miles away. The DC were there for 2 days and nights but we immediately get messages - when are they going to see DC Same this easter when they have literally just had them for a big stay!!! Mil was such the martyr as always when she had to come here to drop off eggs instead of enjoying that time its not good enough "when can we see them again at ours" , anyone looking at that would honestly think its been years since mil a) saw them and b) had them in her lair.
We have been non contact but they channeled the rest of the family through themselves ie - granny wouldn't visit, uncles and aunts who were going to visit suddenly mysteriously cancelled and so on. DH Granny is a very sweet very elderly lady and we dont want to upset her, she is sweet and we all like her incl older DD.
Younger DD seems to get on better with them but older doesn't like to go Mil told her when they had to stay " I dot get you anything for the garden like Trampolines as we don't see you enough"
Sp for now - I need help with how to detach from her.
You need to say "No." You don't have to say it to her directly if you don't want to - it's okay to delegate that your DH, but he needs to be 100% on side, obviously. What's his relationship like with them? You don't mention him in this at all. How do they make HIM feel? If he also feels slighted and stressed by their behaviour, that's good, but if he feels that they;re fabulous, then you might have more of a struggle.
You don't need professional help. You don't need a therapist. You need to remove yourself from this woman's company.
Once a month your DH can bring them over to visit his parents for the afternoon, never have her in your home again under any circumstances, and all communication goes through him - never you again.
Given that you have already been through low/no contact for a period, what made you get back in touch? Why do you allow her to take them? You probably have perfectly good reasons, it just seems odd as you are clearly aware that your eldest does not want to go & it affects her behaviour negatively. So why do it?
Oh no he has had awful issues with them in the past too, he knows what they are like but whilst he has in the past stood up to them, its not an easy task at all.
Fil is hard to describe - as MN would say he is very much her enabler and is a very very pushy man who as mil says " wants to win at all costs", very competitive.
I do need help, I tried to get talking therapy from doctor but they were much more depression based. I asked another person I found on internet and again it seemed to be round anxiety and depression.
What I want I don't know - but its support with how to cope with her. As older DD is getting older I need shoring up with how to support her as well because she doesn't like MIL and doesn't want to go there.
Sounds like you're looking for CBT - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.
From that link above - "a talking therapy that can help you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave. It's most commonly used to treat anxiety and depression, but can be useful for other mental and physical health problems."
How does your husband deal with her? If he just rolls over, he probably needs therapy too. If she's groomed him from birth to serve her, he will be in FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. There's loads of good info on the internet to help you both understand it.
OK cross post a bit. Does DP granny live with her?
If she is so much in control over rest of family, do you really want to spend time with them individually? Why not leave it to family events?
Having a huge extended family that lives all over the city, I always get guilted out whenever we see them, how long has it been etc? But just ignore/point to dutits of caring for other family members & smile!
The only thing that I find remotely helpful is reminding myself that I can't change other people's behaviours or thoughts, only my own. So I try to avoid, & if I can't, I sing in my head to block things out.
CBT sounds promising but then isn't there a whole host of different therapy approached and types, how do I find someone suitable within that lot?
No Granny lives very long way away, family visits always in short windows of time. This is what i want to work on Hunky, detaching but I have been trying for a while now and its not working with her. She makes me feel bad. She disproves of everything has never said a nice word about anything to do with us or the DC and she looks like she has been stabbed if someone pays us a compliment in front of her!
Very happy to never see her ever again, the pain this woman has caused me but for the time being at least while granny is alive there may be other times....
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