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To be hurt by ILs' comment & ask how I can fix things?

(16 Posts)
TheSkyAtNight Tue 18-Apr-17 09:09:15

FIL starts chemo next week & lives about 90mins away. DH usually drops off our dd at nursery as we both work. DH will attend a hospital meeting with FIL on Tues, staying mon-tues. Then he will go back thurs-fri to help him after chemo. I've asked work (school) for late start on tues am so I can drop off our 16mo but I can't do this on thurs am as I have classes from period 1. FIL wld understandably like DH there 1st thing on thurs too, but we have no local support to help with my dd.

FIL & SIL (SAHM living in NZ) have decided we are a 'socially isolated unit' as we have no one to help. This stings as I worry about this too. I've tried hard with groups etc & made 4 friends but none are local & 3 of 4 work more hours than me. I'm not worried because of practical help but because I feel I should be helping dd more socially with local friends as she grows. We know lots of people to chat to in the park but not for play dates.

I was hoping this would be ok as she'll make friends at nursery as she grows but this has me a bit worried again.

AIBU to be worried by this comment & ask you all how you found local friends with similar age children after the initial stages of mat leave?

CassandraAusten Tue 18-Apr-17 09:12:18

I would not be worried by this comment, no. I think it's an unkind comment and reflects expectations from years gone by rather than the modern world. Is SIL maybe feeling guilty that she can't help out, and trying to make herself feel better by blaming you and DH?

Hope all goes well with the chemo.

HeyCat Tue 18-Apr-17 09:12:27

What a weird thing for them to say.

It's not unusual to have nobody you can ask to drop your DC off - I have lots of friends but none i could ask to take DS1 to nursery of a morning (they'd have to be late to their jobs to do it!).

So I wouldn't worry. I also think you'll make friends gradually with nursery and school parents.

ToastyFingers Tue 18-Apr-17 09:17:28

Hmm, I have lots of friends, but no-one I could just ask to step in like that.

SIL is probably just (understandably) upset and lashing out. I wouldn't worry about it.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately Tue 18-Apr-17 09:17:49

What a ridiculous comment at a stressful time for you all!

DH & I have friends, mostly from school/uni so many do have kids. However all of them work and those with kids have their own school & nursery drop-offs to deal with. Also some live 20-40 mins drive away so it's just not feasible to ask for favours or to offer them of they were in similar need.

Your DH obviously wants to be there for FIL but if your employer won't help at such a difficult time he'll just need to drop off DC & be late. I feel really sad for you however that your company can't flex over one day, as a line manager I would do everything to approve that

JaxingJump Tue 18-Apr-17 09:21:23

I think those networks and friends only really kick in from school onwards. Especially if you are working!

Don't worry at all, these things will come if you are open and friendly to people. I would however maybe find a babysitter you can trust and call on, especially if you will need help sometimes now with FIL I'll. ask at the nursery if any of the teachers do our if hours for extra cash, usually they do!

bookwormnerd Tue 18-Apr-17 09:23:36

We dont have anyone we could call at drop of hat. My family isnt local and also work and friends work. Its not that unusual. I am a sahm and always happy to look after others little ones but dont think I could do same easily. I know loads of people in same position if they dont have family local

TheSkyAtNight Tue 18-Apr-17 09:24:10

Thank you all, it's reassuring to hear we are not unusual in struggling with this. Yes, I think there is a lot of anxiety around understandably & SIL would like to do more. Good to hear that my hope that dd will be ok socially is probably realistic too, even if not the biggest concern right now!

allowlsthinkalot Tue 18-Apr-17 09:24:27

It would be very unusual to have friends who could pick up the slack like that. They all have their own morning commitments, kids to drop off, jobs to go to. You might find that if it was you or dh having chemo someone would offer. But to accompany FIL they probably won't think of it.

It's usually grandparents who can help out like that if they live locally and are able to and want to.

OfficerVanHalen Tue 18-Apr-17 09:33:16

That is a shame op and i am sorry for your trouble. As others have said though things will improve - my mum friendships were only just getting going when my eldest was 16mo, these things take time to bed in ime, especially the sort of friendships where you can ask for or reciprocate favours in a tight spot. You WILL have friends and a self made support network one day i promise you. It just takes time to find your people and tends to happen once the dc are a little bit older and able to talk to other dc/get invited to birthdays etc.

It could be an unkind remark, it could be basic lack of empathy or just have come from not really understanding your situation due to generational/geographical/life circumstances differences, it probably doesn't help that they are going through awful stress at this time. Think no more about it, i bet you are doing great.

Sorry about your fil, i hope it goes ok and that you manage to sort childcare somehow flowers

ChicRock Tue 18-Apr-17 09:33:52

I don't think your set up is unusual at all, I doubt many people have friends that could or would drop everything to help out in this situation.

Aside from the grandparents, when DS was younger we relied mostly on paid help - childminders, nursery, babysitters.

And it's a bit rich of SIL who has fucked off to the other side of the world and can be no real practical help at all in this scenario, to be passing comment about you and your DH, though I guess you'll have to bite your tongue and cut her a bit of slack hmm

ChicRock Tue 18-Apr-17 09:38:05

Just to add your FIL will get into a routine with his chemo and may find that it's better to have someone there a couple of days after the chemo, as this is when the side effects kick in.

My cousin's chemo day was Tuesday and it was Thursday/Friday each week when she really wanted someone with her for help and support.
flowers

Penhacked Tue 18-Apr-17 09:49:48

Well that's a slap in the face for your support isn't it! Also FIL commenting on your lack of a support network while expecting his DS to be his whole support network is rather hypocritical.
You sound lovely and hopefully you will find what you are after with nursery and school

TheSkyAtNight Tue 18-Apr-17 09:51:00

Thanks again everyone & especially ChicRock that is helpful to know. We expect the first cycle to be difficult for everyone as we don't yet know how FIL will react.

JaxingJump, we have great sitters from nursery & I hadn't thought to ask if any might be able to do a drop off for dd - that is a good route to investigate, thanks.

Feeling better & able to focus on real issue now. Thanks all

BertrandRussell Tue 18-Apr-17 09:55:10

I think it was an unnecessary thing to say. But I would be a bit concerned that you have no one you could call on in an emergency. (Not that this is an emergency, but but they do happen) .Do you have any nursery parents' numbers?

Sugarpiehoneyeye Tue 18-Apr-17 09:57:58

Don't give the flippant comment any more head space OP, hope all goes as smoothly as possible.

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