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... to keep this from DH?

(24 Posts)
Elphame Tue 18-Apr-17 09:00:14

I'm currently undergoing tests for a breast lesion - the first biopsy is on Thursday and then I'll have to wait for the results for another week. I already know it isn't a simple cyst from the first ultrasound last week.

This is the second time in 8 months. Last time was awful, I told DH and ended up carrying his fears as well as my own. The constant concerned comments "Are you worried?" "are you OK" "How are you feeling" "Not long for the results" etc etc nearly drove me crazy. Of course I was worried, no I wasn't OK and yes I could tell you to the minute how much longer before the results were due.

In the end I banned him from mentioning it but still got the worried glances etc.

The lesion is similar to the last one so probably benign but there is a chance that it may not be.

So I haven't said a word to DH and I don't intend to. I can cope with my own fear but not his too.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately Tue 18-Apr-17 09:02:45

Just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Is there anyone you can speak with IRL who will be supportive but not talk about it too much? It's a lot to have on your mind flowers

MrsJaniceBattersby Tue 18-Apr-17 09:03:21

You do what feels best for you

user1471467016 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:04:00

My very best wishes are winging there way to you now.

Do what suits you entirely, no question.

1Evaline1 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:06:03

Elphame sorry to hear this. Hopefully it's just the same as last time. It's your choice if you decide not to tell him until you know.

Perhaps you might want him there with you when you get the results regardless of the outcome so think about what support you might need then as it's still really worrying for you. flowers

acornsandnuts Tue 18-Apr-17 09:07:56

I wouldn't blame you at all. I have gone through similar with my mother. She magnified everything I was going through and sent my anxiety through the roof. I would never involve her again.

Wishing you all the best flowers

ScarlettDarling Tue 18-Apr-17 09:13:41

Definitely not being unreasonable. You do what you've got to do to get you through the next week. If your dh will make things worse for you, instead of being supportive, then keep it from him. Do you have anyone else you could talk to though? It must be a horrible time for you.

NotMyPenguin Tue 18-Apr-17 09:27:05

YANBU. But please make sure you have your own support system.

I can totally understand the the worry/fear of others can increase one's own anxiety. My mother is a worrier and it makes me ten times as nervous when I've told her anything!

NotMyPenguin Tue 18-Apr-17 09:31:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrikeyPeg Tue 18-Apr-17 09:33:57

Totally not unreasonable at all. You need positive support and he doesn't sound like he can give that to you. Do you have someone else who you can tell just so you have someone you can talk about it with if you want/need? Let us know how you get on

EyeDrops Tue 18-Apr-17 09:35:37

YANBU - in fact my mother did exactly the same late last year, she only told my dad once she had the results. Turns out he'd had an idea after seeing a letter head from the hospital in her bag (she'd forgotten it was in there and he didn't read the full thing, just saw the address and put 2+2 together), but he respected her decision to keep it to herself until she was ready to tell him (when she had the results).

I was shocked she'd done so but then understood that she hadn't wanted to deal with his worry too, if it turned out there was nothing to worry about.

Do what you feel is best for you, and I hope the results are ok for you.

HashiAsLarry Tue 18-Apr-17 09:37:26

Before my DM got breast cancer I'd have totally said it wasn't fair to exclude your DH.
But my DF has been awful throughout, melodramatics about how she was going to die or have her life horrifically altered before she'd even had a biopsy and now keeps telling her to get over herself as she doesn't have cancer any more due to a lumpectomy (though the belt and braces chemo is really helping her feel good). At the same time he's having a go at everyone else for not supporting DM as he feels we should, though we ask DM what she wants and needs. DM wished she'd never told him.
Good luck OP, hope everything is fine flowers, just be prepared for him to be hurt if he does find out later.

TwitterQueen1 Tue 18-Apr-17 09:45:11

Absolutely do what is helpful to you. I would suggest you tell him afterwards though, and explain exactly why you didn't tell him beforehand. He needs to understand what is helpful and what isn't. He obviously can't cope at all - maybe suggest some counselling for him?

He would drive me mad - he's demanding reassurance from you instead of supporting you.

Best wishes to you.

UppityHumpty Tue 18-Apr-17 09:47:54

I personally wouldn't hide something like this from my dh (he's a worrier too, more emotional than me - he burst into tears when I was diagnosed with pcos). I know his emotions are probably a pain but you are married and presumably love him - a 'surprise' malignant diagnosis would really hurt him no?

SheSparkles Tue 18-Apr-17 09:52:56

It's perfectly reasonable-I did the same when I'd had a dodgy smear test a couple of years ago, it would have been time enough to tell him once I knew if there was something to tell, as it turned out, it was ok.
I hope yours is benign again

Grandmasterglitch Tue 18-Apr-17 09:59:33

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and I told DH, my DM & DF and although I asked him not to, my DH told my IL's. That was so stressful and far too many people knew about it for me - people either say the wrong thing or expel pity over you like you are dying. It was harder dealing with other people than the cancer tbh!
It slowly slipped out to a few of DHs friends, then they told their wives etc. I had to do damage control from his loose tongue and I was firefighting for about 6 months trying to keep it from coming out. I can't explain why it was so important to me that it was a secret but it really, really was. Other people did not understand this and struggled to respect it and if I could go back in time I'd have told DH less than I did so when it slipped out of him it wasn't the full story. I would never of thought I would keep secrets from him, but I would be happy to in future if I thought it was the best thing for me.
So YADNBU, keep it to yourself for as long as you want to, although I have my fingers crossed for you that it'll all be benign and not an issue for you anyway! I don't see why your health is anyone's business aside from yours, so tell (or don't tell!) whoever you want.

JaneEyre70 Tue 18-Apr-17 10:04:58

I can understand your feelings OP, my DH is a questioner at the best of times and when I've been in a state of worry myself over something, his constant questions are enough to tip me over the edge.
So now if I tell him something I'm worrying about, I add very firmly at the end that I'm troubled enough myself without being asked lots of questions and that as soon as I know anything more I will tell him immediately. It acts both ways then as a reassurance.
The only thing I would say OP is that he may be very hurt that you've kept it from him but if that's how best you can cope that it's your decision entirely. Best wishes, this must be awful for you.

e1y1 Tue 18-Apr-17 10:13:43

YANBU - do what is best for you. If you need him there for the results etc, then tell him then, he maybe a bit hurt yes, but would understand that his worry on top of your own would have been too much a 2nd time.

Good luck flowers.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Tue 18-Apr-17 10:14:15

Please do confide in someone else, some one who is able to control their emotions, in a difficult situation.
I think you're doing the right thing, I'm sure your DH is a lovely man, who can't bear the thought of anything happening to you, however, you don't need to be carrying the weight of someone else.
When you have a clear result, would be the time to involve him
Sometimes, as in the case of your DH, ignorance is bliss.
Good luck OP. 💐

saoirse31 Tue 18-Apr-17 10:45:59

You do what's best for you, definitely. Best of luck.


TheReefer Tue 18-Apr-17 10:52:12

No you are not being unreasonable - Your DH reminds me of mine.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Apr-17 10:57:51

From what you say about his previous responses, I would say you have enough to deal with at present without having to be a rock for him too.

Best of luck OP.

QueenOlivine Tue 18-Apr-17 11:29:31

Totally reasonable, you don't need the extra angst - though it might help to tell someone else, if there is someone who won't do this. I stopped telling my mum anything like this years ago for this reason.

FWIW I have been sent to the breast clinic numerous times to have various lumps, bumps and odd things checked - they have always been fine and I've been told I just have very lumpy breasts (nice smile) Of course that doesn't mean nothing can go wrong, and lumps do need investigating - but it's likely to be something similar to last time. Fingers crossed for you.

Is there anything that would help to take your mind off it a tiny bit - trashy magazine or novel, seeing friends or going to the cinema? I know how hard it is though.

Elphame Tue 18-Apr-17 13:33:51

Grandmasterglitch you sound like me. I don't do well with people clucking around me when I'm not 100%. I know they mean well but I would rather shut myself away and to be spoken of by all and sundry in those awful hushed tones fills me with horror. I hope your treatment went well.

Thanks everyone - I'm not going to tell him. If it turns out that there is a problem then I'll have to I guess but if that's the case any hurt feelings will be the least of my worries.

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